hmmm i'm imagining another me standing in front of myself and asking 'what do you want?'

and after a few stunned seconds of wondering how good looking i am,

i say,

'i want to want God.'

i don't think i can honestly say that I want God. such moments are few and far in between. And i realize that the flesh still wages war. Though the new Man is supposed to be very much alive and kicking, at times it feels like the new Man is committing guerilla warfare.

it's not like before, where what counted the most was 'feeling God's presence'.

I think i'm happy just to know that i could praise God with utter sincerity and earnesty.

I wonder whether something's missing now, or if something was missing back then

God provides right?

I met up with Bezae yesterday morning for breakfast. by the way, my favourite meal to have with a person is officially BREAKFAST. on the condition that there is a lot of available time after that. But yes, if you're wondering what kind of a funny name 'Bezae' is, it's nowhere near as funny as the actual person is. Or his brother's name, which is Iranaeus. but anyway, I remember that one of the highlights of the meetup was when i told him i had achieved my measly GPA of 3.09, and he replied, almost smugly: 'see, God provides right? God provides right?'

unknown to many, i AM satisfied with my results. I didn't ask for much, but i asked to at least practice. and so my mid term exams were a nightmare. i had a C+ for both exams, and i was wondering whether i was actually cut out for this course in the first place. I need a minimum GPA of 3.0 to practice. and so i met bezae in a very troubled state of mind. he analyzed how my C+ was not that big a deal, since the paper was only 25%, and i would be missing out on a grand total of 3 marks in the final tabulation.

but more importantly, he brought me to Matthew 6.33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Then he brought me to 1 real life example after another. How Fu Khai(president of SMUCF) serves in Church, as a Cell group leader, meets up with the full time ministry staff, barely has any time for himself, and still ends up on the dean's list. How he also did nearly the same thing(because he's the vice president), and ends up with sufficient for himself.

He told me to put God first. Which i tried my very best. and now i thank God for what He has provided me with.

but digging deeper will reveal a few other things.

Firstly, whether putting God first is the means to getting what i want(i like to use this phrase a lot: means to an end. watch out for it guys!) I'd think that a simple dissection of that sentence would logically come to the conclusion that putting God first is NOT what i ultimately desire. and so things'll probably go south from there. I've started to ponder about the passage from matthew 10:39, which says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

I initially thought that it was about martyrdom and stuff, and that it would never apply to me. But the application suddenly becomes a lot clearer, and a lot broader: that accepting Christ as my lord is exactly how it sounds; that i follow Him, pick up my cross, instead of doing it my way(Frank Sinatra, anyone?), and getting crossed with my cross.

The challenge, therefore, is ensuring that putting God first, serving God, sacrificing for God, and all those churchy stuff(ok maybe not churchy) is done because and simply because i love God and not myself.

The second was whether i could accept what God would give me. I remember VERY clearly during my A' level results, i was perturbed by my results. Not just that i knew that i did not deserve it, but whether i could still thank God so whole-heartedly if i had received less. ok obviously i most likely would have not. but in relation to this semester, i was wondering what if God did not intend for me to graduate with a GPA above 3.0. i mean, i honestly started preparing in case things went south. i.e, comforting myself that i had 7 more semesters to pull my GPA up, thinking of changing to Business with a major in marketing(because marketing seems really fun!) or even Social Sciences. There very obviously was the TRUTH that God provides. but my issue was whether God's provision was the same as what i thought He would provide, and whether i could bring myself to accept it if it was different from what i had thought. all the cliches came, y'know. stuff like 'if He can bring you to it, He'll bring you through it', basically the same stuff that you see on the panicky smses that people send around because the A or O levels are around the corner and they conveniently become a Christian for that short period. ok i'm being mean here, i am. I think in the end i would come to accept God's way. but i would very much rather accept it sooner than later.

It's hard when you don't know God's specific ways. especially when the Bible does not say that Tan Chao Yuan is gonna be a brilliant lawyer or just a very handsome BMA graduate. and it gets really ridiculous when you start announcing that your way is God's way simply because you have FAITH. believe me, i've heard stuff like that before. suffice to say, the poor dude did not make it into NUS medicine, did not end up skipping the most of his army, will not be getting his officer rank as a medical officer, but is instead, unfortunately, not studying in the 3 recognized universities. thankfully he did not quit christianity.

as an ending, this is where the cheap shot answer to the questions come. ready for it? here goes:

this is where faith comes in, my boy.

and it's not false. this IS where faith comes in. but not faith that things are gonna go your way. Faith that things are gonna go God's way. and faith that God will supply what you need. faith that God will supply the courage and ability to thank Him for what he supplies.

It's not easy, it's hard as heck. But the good news is that we(Christians) don't have a choice; this is the only way if we want to continue with this road.

I thank God for what He provided. and I hope that when what He provides is harder to thank Him for, i will thank Him as much as i thank Him now. I hope you will, too.

as yourself

And he said to him, "You shall love your the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets"

OK i've failed. miserably. It's easy to love those who are easy to love (pretty, nice, hot, sexy, cute, funny when they're clumsy, and i'm going on a bit too much here but MOVING ON...) but when certain people pop into the picture, this commandment ends up as a back breaking burden.

Suffice to say i've been shocked at how some people can behave. I used to want to never grow up. Thankfully that wish never came true. I mean, imagine acting like a 12 year old at your age now.

I had a hard time at the YF camp. i know i'm supposed to take things easily. but looking back 2 years, i had a group that helped me out in that area then.

now that i'm done complaining(hopefully it was subtle. i definitely did not go into any details), the worry is about myself.

God gives strength to the weak. and God knows i've been weakened(feel free to haha at this. I entered the camp in my usual garang 'welcome to the best group' mode, and left the camp thinking 'IT IS FINISHED'). Without intending to be self-centred, i question whether i have acted in God's will. Brennan Manning(my favourite christian writer still) always says that God expects you to fail a lot more than you expect yourself to. I don't know if i have even managed to act within God's expectations. ok actually, i have, because He's God. but the point is that i wonder if i have acted like a Reasonable Man(CRINGE, ALL YOU LAW STUDENTS! CRINGE AND WINCE!) would under such unreasonable(YES I THINK IT'S UNREASONABLE. OFFICIALLY, I DO!) circumstances. I'd imagine that the unreasonable man would lose all reason and self control under such grave and accumulated provocation.

Jesus says to love my neighbour as myself. and it seems to suggest that it is to be independent of how my neighbour acts or behaves. Lucky Jesus died for me.

hi guys and girls, i just had a modified gospel preached to me on my way back to school. this was pretty much an attack on my beliefs and theology, and i thank God for putting me in SMU Christian Fellowship to ground me in His Word.

the culprit is known as the Church of God. the guy preaching to me was from korea, and essentially he was preaching about God the Mother. Don't laugh. it was scary because he tried to back it up with the Bible. so i hope each and every one of us knows

1. God

2. The authentic Gospel

3. The Word of God.

he quoted from Revelations, about a new Jerusalem being the Mother, and another portion about the Spirit and the bride. i questioned him about trinity but he went back to the spirit and the bride again. He even used my favourite verse (Matthew 7: 21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father hwo is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!")

he was trying to get to the point that the church today is headed to hell, because we do not know the proper God, which includes God the mother.

suffice to say, I came to the conclusion that all he was saying is pure and utter bull.

1. Salvation is by faith alone, and faith in Jesus Christ
2. God's fullness is revealed in Jesus Christ, and the fullness of God dwelled in Jesus Christ
3. Jesus Christ is the Word, and to know God is to know the Word

anyone trying to take out or add to the Gospel is blaspheming. I'm using such strong words here because i realise the urgency to know God's Word well. this is, very obviously, a sign of a false teacher, a false gospel.

by the way, they also added that we need to partake of the Passover to escape God's judgement and His plagues in the end times, because the passover will cause the seal of God to be on our foreheads, which is also mentioned in Revelations. they quoted Jesus saying that we have to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and that at the last supper, he said take, eat, this is my flesh and so on. i'm sure you know where to find it.

I believe, what Jesus meant by eating His flesh and drinking His blood was that we are supposed to live by God's Word. This is congruent with when the bible says that man shall not live by bread alone, but by the Word of God. the Gospel of John says that in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word is Jesus Christ.

guys and girls, please remember to read your bible and to be sure of the gospel. i'm grateful that God saved me from straying.

ok the emo post is way overdue, and things are settling down.

well to be exact, i'm settling down, learning how to read cases, and learning how not to panic when more and more work pours in.

but uh, learnt the hard way that reasonable people are social creatures.

so, in a ministry context, ENCOURAGEMENT IS GOOD FOR ONE ANOTHER. and to think that i used to pride myself in not looking for compliments or praise.

well, i'd like to claim that i don't. but the truth is that it really will be nice to have a pat on the back once in a while, and not get a horrible feeling after giving up the saturday evenings half the time, waking up before reasonable people would on half the sunday mornings, carrying amplifiers(i'm ORD personnel now).

ok basically what happened was someone said something(unintentionally, probably) that cut quite a bit. i probably have an egg shell skull now, after all the incessant service and studying.

i know the part 1 of last sunday's message was: WE SERVE GOD.

but hey, the WE constitutes a very human we.

er, did i say the emo post was overdue? well, take this as a healthy outlet.

and thanks rachael :)

if only it'd ache

it's pretty shameful, how i've manage to sort of relegate my qt and stuff.

it's great that i've managed to shift it to the morning, but i guess even a spiritual thing like qt would be affected by my inability to think clearly within a couple of hours from waking up.

and so, it's silent now.

no awe, no wonder, no amazement.

just, trudging on. it's another one of those times.

it's disgusting, really, how i can easily forget my Saviour in light of material, immediate and tangible(or even intangible) things. and what makes it even worse is how i always end up dismissing my lack of desire(for God) within 10 minutes.

thank God for His grace and mercy; new every morning.

i want to yearn, to ache for God. but i can't. and i know, the usual disclaimer, feelings aside, blah blah blah. but, i want my heart and flesh to cry out. i have tasted and seen, and now i want it all over again.

what could be wrong with that?

an unfortunately enjoyable time

i had a really really great 2 weeks(those responsible for it, feel free to own up on my tagboard, i promise not to deny it if you played a part) and i'm feeling kind of guilty because of that.

JUST found out that a particular friend of mine is in a precarious position. and i'm sort of feeling ashamed because while he was having a horrible time, i was out having a great time. although, in total candor, i'm not really concerned for him and i would rather tai chi the responsibility of caring and whatever to others, i'm feeling the guilt now.

at which point, i'd really like to voice out my admiration for ANOTHER friend, who's shown how much of a friend he is.

and now i'm starting to realize how much i'm lacking in love, despite how much i say others should be more loving.

today's a humbling day.

exerpts from The Great Divorce by CS Lewis

ok, 1 reason i've been eager to get my hands on this book is because it is one of BROOKE FRASER'S favourite books. don't blame me if i find her lyrics beautifully poetic all the time.

so, this book is about a chap who boards a bus and goes to heaven and hell.

ok, down to the quotes

'That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering. "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven." and the Lost, "We were always in Hell/" And both will speak truly.'

'There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God. "Thy will be done," and those to whom God say,. in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who knock it is opened.'

this book is rather short, so i think this is all that's significant from this book. it's interesting to see the imagery and stuff that CS Lewis uses to show how so many people are disqualified from heaven(and God) because mainly of their self absorption.

so, thanks jem for lending me this book!

today

today is the only free day in July that has all 24 hours belonging to me. all the other days have been spent hanging out(thanks dear friends for being such great company), in school, having a beautiful japanese Fender Telecaster slung around me, or underwater.

so, after the obligated delayed wake up, i realize that i probably have to grasp the slightly-less-than-2-weeks of free days that i have. i'm currently not very sure how i'm going to spend them, but i do know that FISHING will be one of the much coveted activities, regardless of what i do or do not catch.

but most importantly, i have to figure out how i have to spend my free days for God's sake. it's funny how i don't know what i'm supposed to do after the whole 'picking up the cross' thing, which i'm not even sure i will remember to do. in fact, it's such an obscure thing, sometimes.

1 key thing i managed to take away from the campus crusade camp was another reminder of how God is not the distant cosmic manipulator i keep imagining him to be. honestly, it's hard to stop thinking of Him that way because of how people keep saying 'don't worry, God is in control' whenever my days are down the drain. so i guess we of this faith will have to keep coming back to the same things once in a while.

You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Psalms 56:8

postdive musings

so,

my instructor was extremely menopausal

there were absolutely NO turtle sightings(thank YOU planetscuba for wrecking my turtle sighting streak)

there were absolutely NO pretty girls too(quite a common phenomenon, i find)

i lost a mask(my own fault and stupidity, by the way anyone wants to accompany me to get a replacement mask for planetscuba?)

the beach was a bi... ok nevermind. suffice to say, it was not a beach. it was TINY. it's just a patch of sand

the boat ride was rather seasick inducing

the stupid shower actually ran out of water at the end when everyone was rushing for a bath. imagine the misery!

all in all, the worst dive trip i have ever had. talk about getaway, i couldn't wait to get the hell away from pulau aur.

ok now on to the good stuff :

my bouyancy control is improving! cheers to that! can act pro now and hover upside down for a bit

i saw flying fish! a whole school skipping in and out of the water!

night dive is an experience everyone should try, regardless of what you do or do not manage to see. the best part was when we turned our torches off and waved our hands: the agitated bioluminescent plankton would give an irritated glow. in english, when we waved our hands, it looked like there were sparks in the water. veeryyy preeeeettyyy!

a getaway is a getaway nonetheless. managed to take a nice break from everything and just concentrate on diving

ok i got a tan. i think i sound like i'm running out of reasons here, but i did get a tan!

so, on to the more important stuff.

admittedly, i HAVE lost that sense of amazement and wonder during this dive trip. which is quite a pity, really. but i DID ponder, among other things, how ironic that God would ostensibly hide this seemingly insane myriad of colours and their combinations from our eyes, and conceal it underwater, only for a few to see.

it's rather mind boggling, that when WE are the fishes out of water(pun intended), we observe for a moment what goes on everyday ever since time began, and we end up getting blown away, marveling at its beauty.

the question on my mind was: how much more is there? how much more before i could actually disbelieve what would be before my eyes. now i start to imagine better how the israelites could not bear to behold God's glory. perhaps there ARE things that are too amazing, and too beautiful.

it's an immense pity, that people could scuba dive their whole life, and ignore the obvious fact that the very beautiful creations were handcrafted by an even more beautiful God.

i hope never to ever go back to aur again. i'll settle, at the very least, for Dayang. but i want to go back for diving now that i have my advanced open water certificate!!

For you make me glad by your deeds, O Lord;

I sing for joy at the works of your hands.

How great are your works, O Lord,

how profound your thoughts!

The senseless man does not know,

fools do not understand,

that though the wicked spring up like grass

and all evildoers flourish

they will be forever destroyed

Psalm 92: 4-7

pre-dive musings

so before i go for my long awaited dive trip, i think i should just mention a couple of things

first to christine(the real one, in case the fake one is reading this), for making me look and sound so glamorous in her blog.

second, that i HOPE my handphone has been found. it's so sad that i feel a piece of myself is missing. but with that dive trip around the corner i doubt i'll be missing the handphone that much

3rd, to the awesome company today. didn't really miss my handphone with these lovely people around(own up on my tagboard if you see this!)

hopefully when i'm back i'll be able to write something arty farty dreamy creamy about diving and God! i always wanted to but could never put it in words.

mind:blank

right, so there's nothing on my mind now, but i feel the urge to post something. so by hook or by crook, i'll fish out something from my head!

aha so here it is: 

ok wait my mind's pretty much a blank. 

aha ok

so my cousin's cousin was explaining to me, after i complained to him about the way the rich were hoarding their wealth, that the problem with AFRICA had a lot to do with their leadership. 

because their resources were tangible things(diamonds, minerals), unlike singapore, which is our so-called talent, their way to success was to FIGHT for said resources. and hence, the corruption, the poor staying poor, the president suddenly getting very rich and disappearing, the CIVIL WARS. 

so what does that have to do with africa being poor? 

the instability of the country and its economy.

hence that rich old white man doesn't even want to set up his sweat shop in zimbabwe because it might get torn down to bits and pieces in a few months. 

and the problem with that is (correct me if i'm wrong all you econs people) that once a shop gets torn down, it means that the $x it took to set up the shop is just wiped off the face of the earth. although money is being printed like mad nowadays, i guess the fact that the money disappears isn't diminished by that.

ok enough of all that rhetoric. told you i'd dig something up. just came back from a bjj class so i'm pretty much blank in my head(although some of you would propose that it's been that way all along).

so, it's time to GRAB SOME SHUTEYE. GOODNIGHT

what goes on during msn

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting 
eh gimme 1 more week

can get the ragamuffin gospel to you

BUT i recommend you be impatient

and borrow it from the library

11:01

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk! 
haha!

11:01

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting 
it's worth going all the way to national library to borrow it

11:01

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk! 
library got ah

11:01

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting 
but i dunno if it's there

ya have

if you're lucky it's not on loan

but it's quite an old book

11:01

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk! 
i check now

11:01

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting 
eh i tell you, i really think you will cry

11:02

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk! 
ok

so far no book has made me cry

hm maybe my physics textbook

hahhaa

and the bible

what really matters

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus, 
You can have all this world, 
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus, 
You can have all this world, 
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus, 
You can have all this world, 
You can have all this world, 
You can have all this world, 
But give me Jesus

this is like, the ultimate funeral song(such a great tune + Brooke Fraser sang it).

on a more sombre note, it started to make me contemplate all over again what really matters. 

and the scary thing is that it's hard to tell when you're drifting away from God because you're(at least ME) busy enjoying and also busy enjoying being busy.

so it's a rather terrifying thought, that at the end of the road, we might find ourselves in a very different destination from where we intended to end up, all simply because we took a minor wrong turn along the way, and never bothered to turn back. 

and it led us further 

and further

and further away.

surely going to church isn't enough.

singing songs isn't enough

saying and doing the right things isn't enough.

desiring God seems to be the 2 magical words here.

but now i'm not sure that's enough. because somewhere along the way, we might end up getting mistaken in our pursuit.

and come on, we're human, how long can we desire God for?

surely we need to pick ourselves up once(not if) we fall.

i don't think simple words can tell anyone what's enough to stay on this straight and narrow path. 

recently wilfred(a nice friend who happens to be quite tall) told me he and eunice(a nice friend who's very nice to laugh at) met with a car crash. eunice(women drivers heehee) lost control of the car and it FLIPPED OVER TWICE and landed upright. they got away with mere cuts and bruises. 

and so i'm wondering what if i'm one of them, but i was not fortunate enough to escape death? 

right now i can say that i'm pretty much ok with it; life is great because i have Jesus.

but oh man, it's gonna suck, to have to leave behind so many things. 

what's scary is to wander away from God. and because i've friends who are away from God now, i don't dare to tilt my head back and laugh at the possibility of that thought. 

so i hope that for those of you who are reading this, we WILL stay in this faith and receive that promised crown of righteousness(ok it feels weird to use such big words) 

15 Aug

hi, for those of you who have seen this, you are obliged to spend ten bucks on(for actually, but on sounds more loving and caring) me! my church is having a fun fair on 15th Aug. I was supposed to get dunked at first, which suddenly made the event neither fun nor fair for me, HOWEVER, SMU decided to have their convocation event on 15th Aug as well, and I, a freshman, am somehow involved in it. SO, I CANNOT GET DUNKED. GET OVER IT LADIES, NO WET T SHIRT ON ME! 

however, i suspect that with some emotional blackmail and arm twisting(maybe literally) i might get forcefully dunked. but anyway, a little self glorifying is going to follow in the ensuing paragraph.

MY BAND ROCKS!

ok it's done. honestly, it does! i'm proud to say i'm the guy in my band who pulls everyone down-everyone is so good at what they do, and since we have 2 guitarists, obviously i'm lousy cos JUSTIN CHAN IS SO MUCH BETTER. but we just grabbed Nina Natasha Naidu to sing for us-missing quite a few of us, but i really honestly do think we can pull off a decent gig.

so while i'll be performing for half an hour, the rest of the band will carry on without me. do enjoy yourselves at the fun fair, and spend lots of money on ME(this money will go directly to the church rebuilding fund) so my church can grow bigger and taller and deeper(literally, but hopefulyy spiritually too).

by the way, for those of you who are from my church, my cell group, you are not exempted from buying the tickets from me too. who ask you to keep stalking me. 

friend of fishes

so i figure, after today's fishing trip, that i should be a fish's friend. 

didn't catch a single one. nope, not one. and 1 infuriating part was when my line was tangled(a phenomenon known as char bee hoon), the fishes near me decided to say hi by giving a little splash.

i'm not kidding! i heard like, 2 or 3 splashes NEAR me, in a reservoir that was SUPPOSED TO BE DEVOID OF ANY FISHES.

apparently these fishes must have learnt something. you know how they always describe fishes to be in schools? they aren't that wrong now, because after i excitedly and accurately cast slightly in front of a ripple(a sign of a fish), that fish didn't take a chomp out of my lure. 

1 word: infuriating!

but honestly, fishing at lower pierce is therapeutic. the whole scenery, the fun of casting, the solitude, as long as you remember to apply insect repellant so that the mozzies don't come and destroy your alone time. 

much thanks also goes to the 3 lovely ladies(better mention them here cos at least rachael has already read this blog) for food, drinks and entertainment. 

gotta go again. anyone interested, lemme know. i have an extra rod and reel!

petty man week: a review

so this petty man syndrome week, ironically, has been a really great week. 

because after all the horrible moods, irritating faces and everything, i really managed to see how God really IS better than all these. and to come to such a point, i realise, is painful. 

was having a talk with a cute girl(muahahaha) today and somehow the talk went south(by the world's standards) and we were talking bout the second coming. but the food for thought(ironic, since we were having lunch) was that both of us like, didn't really want Christ to come yet because there were quite a number of things to do. and so i guess something's wrong with me(aside from being so good looking) because as a Christian, why am i not panging for the new heaven and earth? by the way, cute girl, feel free to tag my whatever flooble chatterbox or whatever it's called and put your name there. i've a feeling someone NOT CUTE will prob try to impersonate her. 

another talk was with jem, bout how i always felt rather artificial as a church musician, especially because we always talked about how the mood was like, congregation response was like, technical skills were like, during the evaluation. er ok i still don't really like the part bout congregation, and i still feel rather unsettled that NO ONE(except maybe Joe P) ever says a sentence with the word 'God' in there. bleagh i'm in that list too. so i guess it's time for another change. but essentially, i'm quite thankful that jem brought me to the realization that as part of the band, playing good music IS part of my role as a musician, and hence the mood, the atmosphere, i feel, is an undeniable consequence of how the band plays. whether God does move in the congregation is a separate issue. 

oh, so like, 3 hours ago, i applied a kimura to a 16 year old boy. heard a CRACK and my goodness, i was done sparring for that night. 

COME ON MAN, YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD, HAVE A BIT OF MATURITY TO TAP OUT! 

fortunately his arm was alright, or at least he said so. but my goodness, that was the worst sound i heard in a long time. and i don't intend to hear anymore of that. it's really sick.

so, once again, I thank God for the petty man syndrome. because i am glad to be where i am: at the point of realization that all things are truly rubbish in light of knowing God. i don't intend to curse any of you, but i do hope you receive your fair share of PMS weeks so that you can come and enjoy this place like i have. 

Petty Man Syndrome

yeah i'm having my Petty Man Syndrome(PMS) now. the funny thing is that a few years ago i might have gone all spiritual and screamed 'SPIRITUAL ATTACK! GET BEHIND ME SATAN!' and utter a series of unintelligible guttural screams and gibberish. ok i'm exaggerating. i am. but the point is that number 1: i'm prob easily irritable now and 2: it's gonna prob last for a while so 3: please be careful lest you find yourself in an armbar(if your name is Jason Quek Tee Jien maybe i'll just wave a pointy stick at you and scream curses in your face)

the good point in all these is that i managed to see how God is better.

maybe it's an irresponsible remark, considering how i'm moving away from something that should be confronted. but maybe i'm also not in the best of states to confront whatever needs to be tackled horns on.

what i AM worried about is the lack of initiative and action to act accordingly after how i have managed to arrive at this rather painful point of realisation. work is ending soon, and i can see how easy it is to be distracted because my MACBOOK AT HOME IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS CRAP IBM LAPTOP I'M USING.

so, if you will, please pray for me.
thank you.

i'm starting to realise i have no problem with finding faults with people, ironically after i get to know them better. so much for love. 

more C.S Lewis

No doubt Pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. It removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul. If the first and lowest operation of pain shatters the illusion that all is well, the second shatters the illusion that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us. Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We 'have all we want' is a terrible saying when 'all' does not include God. We find God an interruption. As St Augustine says somewhere, 'God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full - there's nowhere for Him to put it'. Or as a friend of mine said, 'We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.' Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call 'our own life' remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interests but make 'our own life' less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible sources of false happiness? It is just here, where God's providence seems at first to be most cruel, that the Divine humility, the stooping down of the highest, most deserves praise. We are perplexed to see misfortune falling upon decent, inoffensive, worthy people - on capable, hardworking mothers of families or diligent, thrifty little trades-people, on those who have worked so hard, and so honestly, for their modest stock of happiness and now seem to be entering on the enjoyment of it with the fullest right. How can I say with sufficient tenderness what here needs to be said? It does not matter that I know I must become, in the eyes of every hostile reader, as it were, personally responsible for all the sufferings I try to explain - just as, to this day, everyone talks as if St Augustine wanted unbaptised infants to go to Hell. But it matters enormously if I alienate anyone from the truth. Let me implore the reader to try to believe, if only for the moment, that God, who made these deserving people, may really be right when He thinks that their modest prosperity and the happiness of their children are not enough to make them blessed: that all this must fall from them in the end, and that if they have not learned to know Him they will be wretched. And therefore He troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have to discover. The life to themselves and their families stand between them and the recognition of their need; He makes that life less sweet to them

The Problem of Pain, pp. 76-7

If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

'The Weight of Glory' in Screwtape proposes a Toast, pp 87-8

But the most obvious fact about praise-whether of God or anything-strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honour. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless (sometimes even if) shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it. The world rings with praise-lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favourite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game-praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious, minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least.

Reflections on the Psalms, p. 80

Brooke Fraser-The Thief

Your eyes are full

full of the future of us

the air changes as you look across

at me in that wondering way

It is as if

I knew you before you spoke

do our hearts know something we don't

conspiring, converging without giving us any say

You 

sing me to sleep

talk down my walls

look through my windows as I

wait 

You could be the thief

I give the key to

You're ruining me

with secrets and gestures and looks

with sonnets in second-hand books

playing the chords in me 

nobody knew how to play

You 

sing me to sleep

talk down my walls

look through my windows as I

wait

You could be the thief

I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain

It unlocks our two differences and shows 

we are the same

rather than wait till I

put me out for the taking

you're breaking

you're breaking into my heart

and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full

full of the future of us

you guys have gotta hear this song if you haven't. 

old man stuff

so, i'm getting down to do more old man stuff. reading books in my free time(not at work), taking a break from all those computer games(helps when you have a mac, which is incompatible with tons of windows games, and then in addition to that i don't have a whatever geforce blablabla graphics card) and making instant soup(erm cos i'm supposed to be too old to make proper soup?)

OK SO I ADMIT THIS IS PROBABLY NOT WHAT ALL OLD PEOPLE DO. JOEL'S DAD PLAYS COMPUTER GAMES FOR GOODNESS' SAKE. AND IT'S NOT TEXAS HOLD'EM POKER ON FACEBOOK(like my dad does) IT'S LIKE CALL OF DUTY 4 OR 5.

but hey, this is something nice. i'm reading this book that has collected quotes by C.S Lewis on topics ranging from A to Z. and it's a pretty good way to unwind, contemplate God's goodness, and at the same time sound like a really high class guy who has read those incredibly hard to understand C.S Lewis books.

so, another nugget that i have from reading said book.

on Glory:

The promise of glory is the promise, almost incredible and only possible by the work of Christ, that some of us, that any of us who really chooses, shall actually survive that examination, shall find approval, shall please God. To please God... to be a real ingredient in the divine happiness... to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son - it seems impossible, a weight or burden of glory which our thoughts can hardly sustain. But so it is.
'The Weight of Glory' in Screwtape Proposes a Toast,
pp.96-7



by the way, bought this tomato and basil instant soup packet stuff from malaysia. you know, the kind that you put into a nice mug and add hot water?
it's well.... souper....

it's hard to wait

for things that come

a little too late

Time is Yours it's not mine

my fingers they scrabble and grasp

for things of a few different kind

I said it was You

I hope it still holds true

keep me from walking, keep me from searching

make me start to stop, get me started on waiting

it's hard to wait 

even for things 

that were never late

 

a quote from C.S. Lewis

You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. In the Trinity Term of 1929, I gave in and admitted that God was God and knelt and prayed: perhaps that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England. i did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing, the divine humility which will accept the convert on even such terms. The prodigal son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can not duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance to escape? These words, compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but. properly understood, they plumb the depth of the divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and his compulsion is our liberation.

Surprised by Joy, p. 17

i love this. it made me guffaw, and at the same time want to cry. 

Before the throne

Before the throne of God above

I have a strong, a perfect plea

a great High Priest whose name is Love

who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on His hands

My name is written on His heart

I know that while in heav'n He stands

no tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair

and tells me of the guilt within 

upward I look and see Him there

who made and end of all my sin

Because a sinless Saviour died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God the Just is satisfied

to look on Him and pardon me

Behold Him there the risen Lamb

My perfect spotless righteousness

the great unchangeable I Am

the King of Glory and of Grace

One in Himself I cannot die

my soul is purchased with His blood

My life is hid with Christ on High

with Christ my Saviour and my God

i wish there'd be more *GOOD* remakes of hymns.

too many fruitless hours in the ACS(I) chapel coupled with an immature mind to comprehend the lyrics I now find 'high class' and 'arty farty' but generally really beautiful and poetic.

and it rhymes!

yomama

YOMAMA SKIN SO BAD SHE GAVE FREDDY KREUGER NIGHTMARES

sorry just had to let it out. dunno why i suddenly thought of this in the shower 2 days ago.

another sidenote: Wawa pissed on my mum's bed. more specifically, the blanket. the funny thing is that my dad didn't even scold wawa at all, but immediately remarked that my mom must have treated wawa badly(which isn't exactly true, she just doesn't treat wawa as good as the rest of us do). 

this is so remarkable. wawa throwing tantrums and bringing 'piss off' to a whole new and much more literal level.

laxatives

what do certain people and laxatives have in common? they irritate the s**t out of you. 

this past week has been rather horrible as far as my mood has been concerned. perhaps most of it came from continuously thinking of things said at my expense. and i know how some people are gonna say i'm too sensitive, but honestly sensitivity and maturity is needed on their part as well. 

when i'm annoyed i'll voice it out to someone else in a joking manner.

when i'm really annoyed i'll shut up and sit out. 

i'm annoyed now, but it's ebbing. 

i'm desperate too. WHERE ARE ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS??? DEFINITELY NOT NEAR ME AND NOT TALKING TO ME! 

a day in the life of the Tan family's chihuahua

6am: wake son up to open the door
6.05am:bug the father for breakfast
6.15am: scratch at son's door to be carried in and go back to sleep on son's bed(now that the son has found work, daughter takes place, if not, go to own bed and sleep)
6.20am-12pm: sleep/keep low profile lest grandma scolds for absolutely no reason at all
12pm: bug anyone and everyone for extra lunch
1pm: back to afternoon nap in own bed
6.30pm: greet son when he comes back from work, follow son around until father and mother arrive
7.30pm: greet father and mother. remember to treat father badly by barking very loudly
7.30pm: bug people for extra dinner. father is most likely to relent, followed by son, then grandmother.
8pm: dash upstairs and proceed to bark madly at father again. exercise a bit by playing catching with anyone who will play(usually the father)
10pm: start bugging son to open door. must be carried in by son so as to maintain high level of class and respect.
11pm: sleep on son's bed. walk over son a few times to make sure he does not go to sleep peacefully.

this is so provoking

how their smiles can bring tears

and we shouldn't keep it inside or forget about it. 

David Crowder Band - Surely we can change

And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn't hit

And I don't know
What to do with a love like that
And I don't know
How to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something

And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything

Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Oh surely we can change
Something

Oh, the world's about to change
The whole world's about to change

But let the cross draw men to You

now this is some R & B that I like

quite an old song, but this is one of those reminders that show me how dynamic and ALIVE God's love is. that from time to time i am still amazed by Jesus' words.

All for love a Saviour prayed

'so Abba Father, have Your way

though they know not what they do

but let the cross draw Man to You

to You

to You

to You'

how timely, that Good Friday is around the corner.

and it's so ironic, that on Good Friday a good man died for the bad ones. 

we wouldn't say it's good unless we were the bad ones, would we? 

it's still so amazing, so unresolved, this love that God has for us.

unresolved, because i hope to never ever come to a conclusion about it

that it'd remain a mystery to me. 

if my leg was long enough

i'd kick myself in the butt. ok maybe i can reach, but it's not really hard enough. 

went for the life con full dress rehearsal today. wonderful! and i feel like kicking myself for not jumping into it. ok actually i don't, i'm really thankful for all of these blissful moments of serenity and er.... dizzy dazes. 

it's just that i'm getting older(not old yet! i look 18!) and i think this year may have been my last shot at life concert. but God willing, if He grants another opportunity i'll jump into it. the drummer is pretty fantastic man. i love the way the bass drum is mic'd up, and each pound makes the floor tremble. so wonderful man. 

so, here is one song they sang. love this one

 Steven Curtis Chapman - Children of God

i know it's just a word but

you will think i'm an irritant for doing this but i've been a bit bothered by this popular phrase used lately. so i will break it down and copy the 2 separate meanings from macbook's dictionary. 

camera 1 |ˈkam(ə)rə|nouna device for recording visual images in the form of photographs, movie film, or video signals.PHRASESon (or off) camera while being filmed or televised (or not being filmed or televised) : on camera, she was error-prone and nervous.

whore |hôr|noun derogatorya prostitute.• a promiscuous woman.verb [ intrans. ](of a woman) work as a prostitute : she spent her life whoring for dangerousmen.• [often as n. ] ( whoring) (of a man) use the services of prostitutes : he lived by night, indulging in his two hobbies, whoring and eating.• debase oneself by doing something for unworthy motives, typically to make money : he had never whored after money.

yeah i know it's just a simple word, and i'm possibly acting like i have an umbrella up my posterior. but words don't just mean things, they also indicate things. for us who have been freed to live the holy lives, let's do our utmost best to live it. 
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water
James 3:9-12
alright it's out of context cos i think this verse refers to cursing people. but this one came to mind. 

this is a bit sudden

ok this is a bit sudden but i'm going for a mission trip in 2 weeks time on the first weekend of april to kuala lipis. those interested pls let me know, there's like space for only 1 more. this trip should be fun fun fun because it's 3 AC guys. and it's a combination of Lee Kelvin's lame jokes and my lame jokes! powerhouse! 

ulterior interior anterior

been talking about intending to pray for someone, and the bible mentions that faith is useless without deeds. so this means that this person will have to be talked to. so now i'm wondering how we could go about doing this.

and now i realize the slight manifestations of our selfish nature. that when we have friends, it seems like somehow we try to gain something out of it. i wonder if we can ever go to a person with no agenda, no motive, but just as friends, just to hang out.

oh wait we can. i think we do that a lot. 

oops. 

but with how many people? hmmmm. not a lot, for me. 

but on to the pressing issue, i wonder if i can hang out with this guy, and not ignore his problem, but just be a friend. show how God loves people by showing God's love to His people. 

i think it's pretty tough. i'm not very familiar with this person(i keep my distance), like a lot of people. and maybe God is telling me to throw myself at His mercy by abandoning my privacy, by moving into a bigger shell. or getting out of my current one. 

Live Out Loud - Steven Curtis Chapman

Imagine this...I get a phone call from Regis 
He says, "Do you want to be a millionaire?" 
They put me on the show and I win with two lifelines to spare 
Now picture this...I act like nothing ever happened 
And bury all the money in a coffee can 
Well, I've been given more than Regis ever gave away 
I was a dead man who was called to come out of my grave 
And I think it's time for makin' some noise 

Wake the neighbors, get the word out 
Come on...crank up the music...climb a mountain and shout 
This is life we've been given made to be lived out 
So la la la la live out loud 
Live out loud, yeah 

Think about this...try to keep a bird from singing 
After it's soared up in the sky 
Give the sun a cloudless day and tell it not to shine 
Now think about this...if we really have been given 
The gift of a life that will never end 
And if we have been filled with living hope we're gonna overflow 
And if God's love is burning in our hearts we're gonna glow 
There's just no way to keep it in 

Wake the neighbors, get the word out 
Come on...crank up the music...climb a mountain and shout 
This is life we've been given made to be lived out 
So la la la la live out loud 
Live out loud, yeah 

Everybody, come on 
La la la...la la la la 
La la la live out loud 
I want to hear everybody sing 
La la la...la la la la 
La la la live out loud, loud, loud 

Every corner of creation is a living declaration 
Come join the song we were made to sing 

Wake the neighbors, get the word out 
Come on...crank up the music...climb a mountain and shout 
This is life we've been given made to be lived out 
So la la la la live out loud 
Live out loud, yeah

BJJ

ok so i've started learning brazilian jiujitsu with wilfred, and maybe jem is gonna join in soon. i even made a lame joke about it(bjj costs an arm and leg!) but that's another story. simply put, this sport is pretty fun, offers a really intensive workout(i almost vomitted after last training, and that was the 2nd time in my life. i never even vomitted after bball although i experience another set of problems) and i think i feel a lot safer with the knowledge(or delusion) that i can pretty much defend myself. although i'm still getting bullied/owned by about everyone i've sparred with. the closest i ever came to winning was when i used an illegal lock. yeah that's how sad it is. but anyway, here's a rather glamorous vid for BJJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzHraEVEaY4&feature=related

But other than that, most of the time we are basically molesting each other to get to advantageous places. i am seriously not kidding about this. GUYS, if you want to impress GIRLS, do NOT use BRAZILIAN/GRACIE JIUJITSU or any other form of ground fighting. just. don't.  

i don't know whether to thank you or to whack you

ok Jem, i don't know whether to thank you or to whack you.

to thank you, is because you lent me that fantastic Shane and Shane album. you know how when some musicians are REALLY good, other musicians somehow just appear less talented? with the exception of Joe Satriani, Brooke Fraser, Lifehouse, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones, Organissimo, Salvador(hopefully i have not left out important others. JOHN PETRUCCI AND DREAM THEATRE ARE NOT INCLUDED IN THIS LIST MUAHAHAHAHAHA), i feel like swearing off other musicians and trampling their cd into the ground. 

i'd wanna whack you cos you didn't introduce me to this band earlier or lend me their cd earlier. 

i mean, it's not like i didn't introduce you to Joe Satriani or Brooke Fraser. in fact i introduced you to them over and over again over the course of... hmmm..... ok ever since i knew you. 

plus the fact that i save you from long tongued, agile, fragile, fat, bloated, obese, muscular and female zombies on an average of 5 times a week. 

alright for those of you who are confused, I am raving about how good Shane and Shane are. Shane and Shane is an acoustic Christian band. they are good. listen to them now. i have already included them in my favourite music list in facebook.

and i'm also saying that i help jem a lot in left 4 dead. a lot. and he's rather unappreciative of it.