I've been waiting

i think i need to hear Someone or someone
say something that i've been needing to hear
and i don't know what it is, exactly
but i figure i'll know when i hear it.

*warning: truckload of depression ahead*

I suppose putting God first is far more than regularly going for church and cell
and serving.
and refraining from spewing vulgarities
and being a good boy.
I could be the whitewashed tomb that Paul accused the pharisees of being.
But i've come to realize, time and time again, and painfully
that i am but naught
the difference now is that i can't seem to move on from there
i can't. i just can't.
i cannot hear, i cannot see
but i can feel that something is wrong.
i want to run away and i want to be chased after
I want to be wanted, and I want to want
i want to be accepted unconditionally, and at the same time i feel like disowning myself, if i could
i want to sing and dance, but there's no music in the background.
i really want someone around right now.
but really, there's nobody. there really isn't.
i'd like to sit down with someone and say no more than nothing, for an hour
and know that even if it was an hour more of silence, he or she would still be there
i wish somebody could see the look in my eyes, because i think it shows
or hear the emptiness of my words
i think i am hollow.
and there is
nobody

as of now

but I suppose God will come
He always does
He always will

i just wish i could go to Him

5 minutes ago, i said
"if anyone says the words i'm longing to hear,
i'll be his or her best friend"
i remember my best friend leaving 7 years ago
and now he's different, and so am I
against all my promises, and all my guarantees, we have changed
and again and again, we change
maybe it would be nice if we made a 360 degree change
and find ourselves back to where we once were
but i suppose we will not.

so i'll have to strap on my smile
and rehearse my laughter
because i suppose it would be wrong
to burden my friends when they have done nothing.
they have done nothing.