Boy A

so i went to watch this show with a hot date. 

yeah right who am i kidding. i watched it with jeremy. i mean, it's not that he's not hot(just get a fever!) it's just that he doesn't qualify as a date.

the movie was quite a short story stretched out to fill a 2 hour time slot. and fill it did. with garnish, icing, spices and whatever. fantastic movie. to cut the long(after being stretched out) story short, it's based on the murder of James Bulger, a 3 year old boy, very cute, although no where near as cute as I was when i was 3, all the way till now. 2 10 year old boys murdered him really brutally, including splashing blue paint on his face, to kicking and hitting him with BRICKS, stones and a 22lb iron bar(can you imagine 2 boys holding either side of the bar and smashing it into his fragile body). 

and i guess the most shocking thing about the 2 boys is that during the trial, they were LAUGHING as they recounted their murder and mutilation. 

yeap, they were laughing. that's cold, man. it's the stuff that brings goosebumps. 

but the show showed none of the laughing part. it showed one of the kids as a poor oppressed boy who befriended the other murderer, who protected him from bullies(kicking one of their faces in) and then revealed how he was raped by his elder brother, and mutilates an eel he caught before throwing it back into the river it came from. i mean, i thought he'd smack the eel to eat it or something.  

the two boys, with their family, have been given new identities and released from their detention. 

in the movie, phillip, portrayed as the instigator and basically, the more evil one, was murdered by older boys in the detention centre, and the whole scene was set up to look like a suicide. 

but the movie focused on how Jack(previously known as Eric, the more innocent one) faces life, with an immense phobia of having his identity found out, as well as a lack of communication skills with the people he works with. with a guardian who is a lot more effective playing the paternal role in his life than his biological father, as well as a rather, well, large girlfriend(to be honest i was quite disappointed to see the girlfriend wasn't one of those hot hollywood mamas) and a couple of friends, he DOES eventually have his identity found out and-AHA! I WILL NOT TELL YOU THE STORYLINE! oh wait i already have. ok well i won't tell you how it ends. 

the movie was basically fantastic. the guy acting as jack is really incredible, in fact the whole crew acted incredibly well. and i did leave the movie feeling arty and farty. well, arty cos i was already in artillery, and as for the latter... i'll let you know after i finish this basket of onions.(sorry jem, it's an old joke for you) and there were like, only 10 people in the cinema(from such a small number, i can easily say i was the BEST LOOKING GUY in the theatre, although this bears no significance to the movie whatsoever)

ok now it's time for the serious stuff(why so serious)

i went to the movie with an impression that i could see this as an avenue for me to exercise my new found opinion of showing grace and mercy to everyone who deserved and did not deserve it. not that i was anyone high up, mind you, but we who have normal lives, even good lives, ought to bear in mind those who do not, and can not have the mundane schedules that we take for granted and at times curse. 

it was so easy to say that Jack did not deserve to be persecuted by a public who cannot let go of the past. simply because jack seemed like a decent chap. innocent, even. 

and so, i'm thinking past the issue of Jack, and wondering about Phillip, had he survived. 

what kind of person would he have been? and what kind of person would we become when we meet him? i could just imagine, in the movie, normal people having normal lives, suddenly becoming extremely hateful when they hear a murderer was released. without seeing, talking the murderer, who, by the way, saved a girl from a car wreck too. 

how many masks do we have? and are we aware of when we change our faces? of how gradual, or how abrupt the change is? 

i wonder if we Christians would be scared to forgive someone like Phillip. someone who seems like, basically, 95% evil when he was already just 5% the size of Shaq.

I wonder whether Jesus would have forgiven him, and somewhere deep inside me, i think Jesus wants to, but whether Phillip would let himself be forgiven is a different thing. 

I think we're stingy with our love, maybe because we're afraid we'd lose it if we give it to the 'wrong' person, or because we'd be seen as idiots who are flamboyant and extravagant with affections. 

and i know we're quite a bunch of proud buggers who think we're immensely much better than the poor fools who've made a mistake in life that happens to be specified in a penal code from a miscellaneous country. and so we set up our own unwritten and unspoken code of ethics, and whoever does not fit in is given a good hard sharp kick in the butt, and left for dead after that. You would make a wide berth around a corpse wouldn't you? i think most companies make a wider berth around ex-cons too. 

and then i wonder if phillip could have changed while in detention, and came out a person very much as apparently innocent as jack. 

I think one of the hardest parts about being a Christian is the way God wants us to treat others. in a way opposite from that unwritten and unspoken code of ethics. we show love to whoever. that's basically how i see it. that we don't withhold our love from anyone. but this 'anyone' just mentioned did not contain people like phillip. 

well, Jesus did love Judas. He did wash Judas' feet. He loved, knowing that it would not be reciprocated did he not? us, we're already afraid if there's a mere CHANCE that the love would not have any results whatsoever. it seems like we're treating love like an investment. but what about when our love is GUARANTEED not to have any results? i wonder if we could be like Jesus, and love Judas just like that. I wonder if Jesus enjoys giving love, and not seeing its rewards.

well the movie didn't give me any answers. it left me asking the same questions, perhaps with a bit more insight and a lot less naivety, thanks to excellent acting. 

these murderers are the very ones Jesus died for. 

imagine that. 

It's so strange

that in these moments, i know it's true

all love, joy, freedom and peace

they're all found in You

despite my meandering 

you make my paths straight

when i look elsewhere

you still keep your eyes on me

and i realise it's all true

nothing will keep anyone from you

not rules nor laws

mistakes or flaws

any kind of distractions 

or our lame attempts at perfection

not songs of love, or songs of hate

politics, politicians, and all their perfidious bait

a lack of money, a lack of time

the absence of life's reason and rhyme

any victory, any loss

any gain or any cost

show me something that will quell You

any fane or rumination 

even strongest rock and softest flow'r

smallest sparrow and highest tower

could only came into being 

by your call and beckoning

so keep me, keep me with You

though the grass seems greener off the beaten path

if i stray, if i fail to follow through

call me, bring me back to You

show me, tell me of Your love

keep me in awe, and very much in love

with You

It's so strange

that in these moments, i know it's true

Your love is too good, and only too true

that i'd captured in this wonderful rapture

for one day further than forever

it's so strange

that it's so natural;

how i'm made to fit the crook of your arms

how we wander to you, in cheer and doldrums

how we long for You

Oh how we long for You

Day is dimming

The day is dimming and I'm yearning for You

I won't be satisfied till I see Your face

Every victory, every loss,

every ticket every cross

You can put them all in place

It seems I'm finding more of why in these moments

I feel like I'm made to sing of how good You are

The more the years swell by and pass

each seconds more than last

it's true by far

that no profound thought or clever rhyme

no soaring, grand melodic line

no theory, philosophy or sign

can explain it

can explain

Where You are, I wanna be

It's Your love that has changed me

I'd give the world and all its charms

for a moment in Your arms

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

than a thousand elsewhere

I still remember what it felt like before You

I'm grateful everyday for how things have changed

I'll thank You everywhere i can

'cos my life only began 

when I heard You call my name

now no praise of man, no great acclaim

no humble looking kind of fane

no power, wealth or worldly gain

could satisfy me,

could ever satisfy

cos where You are I wanna be

It's Your grace that has raised me

I'd give my whole life

to honour You

and whom I live

and whom I move

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

Better is one day in Your courts

better is one day in Your house

better is one day in Your courts

than anywhere else

Lead me, lead me

lead me to Yourself

lead me to Your heart

where You are I wanna be

It's Your love that has changed me

I'd give my life to honour You

and whom I live

and whom I move

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

Lead me to Yourself

Lead me to Your heart

I'll be found in You

I'll be found in You

here is peace

here is joy

here is life

here is, freedom, freedom

in You

I'm quite grateful that I forgot that i saved a draft of the very same lyrics.

quite a few times I had to pause while typing this out. 

I knew i had to seize that moment while it lasted.

that moment when the lyrics took on a form bigger and deeper, a lot more animated and alive than the words on my monitor. 

where the lyrics seemed to be God's way of speaking to me, despite them being a melancholic paean to Himself.

and so I grabbed it.

it felt like I was clutching at empty straws. because, to be completely dead honest, I did deliberately decide to pause halfway while typing the lyrics so I could honestly say I did so. to perhaps, appear more sentimental than I felt(I heard this song last wed and only slept after midnight).

but I dunno how, once again, this song impacted me like a sledgehammer.(i've never felt it before actually, so perhaps the closest thing it comes to is Tim's(cos he was the first) and everyone else's hands smashing my face into a birthday cake. well, you can't blame me, my birthday was quite recent so I want to bring this up although i doubt it will make any of the guilty parties feel as though they are supposed to-GUILTY!)

the best part is, I can't seem to give this song a permanent form.

it seems to have taken on a few forms and spoke different volumes of similar impact each time. (the irony is that it seems i could be describing an extremely satanic song but it's time to get back to the topic.)

I can't explain it, I can't box it up. I wish I could capture its impacting essence in my mp3 or my macbook(MACBOOK FOR THE WIN!), but i can't. I can't.

why something so beautiful has to be so fleeting, is something that at times frustrates me, but other times makes me sit back and realise the frailty and infidelity of my heart.

So i hope that, as you listen to this song, you're as impacted as I was.

that you find yourself wanting to repeat this song even before halfway through the first verse

that you realise God is in all the beautiful things, but more importantly, that all the beautiful things are in God

that you see how things could and should be between you and your Maker  

that you realise once again that tears can burn, and then they leave a gelid residue

and then when you take an occasional glance at the clock, you realise it's the next day, but you decide it's worth staying up to contemplate something unknown, because you have forever and a day

and then you realize that all your contemplation brings no answer, but you've been glad to receive an apparent nothing, because you finally feel, deep within your bones, that all this while you've never been alone.

Hosea's Wife

'... and he was a prophet, he was a kind of minor prophet in the bible, and he had a wife called Gomer. which is kind of a............... really.......

gross name. 

and so, that's why this song isn't called Gomer, it's called Hosea's Wife'

I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me

She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech

That turned to mine and asked belligerently

“What do I live for?”

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go

From hearts to wars to literature to radio

There’s a question like a shame no one will show

“What do I live for?”

We are Hosea’s wife

We are squandering this life

Using people like ladders and words like knives

If we’ve eyes to see

If we’ve ears to hear

To find it in our hearts and mouths

The word that saves is near

Shed that shallow skin

Come and live again

There is truth in little corners of our lives

There are hints of it in songs and children’s eyes

It’s familiar, like an ancient lullaby

What do I live for?

We are Hosea’s wife

We are squandering this life

Using bodies like money and truth like lies

We are more than dust

That means something

That means something

We are more than just

Blood and emotions

Inklings and notions

Atoms on oceans

ok i just found the first part really funny and i wanted to show EVERYONE Brooke Fraser has an incredible sense of humour. so i decided to paste the song lyrics after that. 

THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP

Just yesterday i was walking from city hall to excelsior hotel(yes, i christen that place 'Guitarland').

and there was this woman. this large woman. with crooked teeth and an annoying way of speaking.(i bet you can't tell my inclination toward her!)

and she is Christian. 

yup, she is. at least i'd think so. she loudly said words like 'HALLELUJAH'(that was much later on). but at that moment, a blind man selling tissues was saying(loudly) to her, 'no i don't want to talk about religion' and stuff like that. anyone could tell he was miffed. 

and so was the lady.

at a traffic light, she prayed(loudly, with her eyes open, and in chinese) 'Lord please let it rain'

I was thinking, what for? i mean, the grass outside St Andrew's Cathedral looked pretty green. i couldn't see anyone crawling on the ground(the way they do in books and movies when they're lost in the desert and looking for water). 

'please PUNISH all these people'

my eyes widened. Justin(he was with me, naturally)'s eyes widened. and no one else seemed to care. 

Why are we Christians wishing judgement on non-Christians?

Why are we wishing on others the same punishment we would deserve?

Why? 

What happened to grace and mercy? what happened to humility? what happened to meekness, to being sent out as lambs among wolves, to patience, kindness, forgetting wrongs, a lack of envy, and the whole load from 1 Corinthians 13? 

here's one age-old question: What would Jesus have done? 

would he have wished punishment on the people who rejected Him?

maybe we've forgotten, but at his last moments on the cross, in pain, at people's insults, he said 'Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing'.

imagine that.

'Father, forgive them'

'Father, punish them'

while i have not been ridiculed and rejected yet, here's what i think : 

If we love the lost, we would be SAD at rejection. not bitter and angry. we would say 'Father, help them to listen', NOT 'Father, punish them.' 

the new guy in my office told me, while he was going out with his friends, someone came up to him and said, 'if you do not believe in God, you're going to hell'.

well, very obviously, people do not like to find out they're going to hell. and they probably think that if they disbelieve it, it won't happen to them. 

imagine saying 'I'm not gonna become a Christian because if i do, i don't need to go to hell!'

it's like they're a sucker for punishment.

but ok back to the serious stuff. it's like how children would close their eyes when they were in trouble, the logic being 'if i can't see him, he can't see me!'

pretty cute, but honestly, it's rather pitiful. 

I think some of us Christians are a lot less helpful than we imagine ourselves to be.

that in trying to help some people get their one-way ticket to the pearly gates, we end up trying to give the ticket by SMACKING it on their noses and telling them to hold the ticket with said facial feature. that in trying to save, we hurt, maim, poison. in trying to show God's glory, we end up forfeiting it. albeit unwillingly. but we do. 

it sucks when i feel like this. so helpless. 

caught in between righteousness and grace, looking across a chasm at a blindfolded friend trying to build a bridge.

have we gone overboard? i get the feeling that if a stranger approaches you on a street, he's either a surveyor, an insurance salesman, someone trying to sell stuff for charity, or a street evangelist. and i dunno why but the last category seems to receive the most complains from my friends. 

I believe we should show unconditional love.

i believe we can show unconditional love.

that we don't use love as a currency, as a reward, as bait.

but we give love, because love is not quantitative.

and we can give more and more love. because the more we give, the more we have. 

Jesus could have thrown the first stone at the woman. out of everyone there, he was the only one who met the standard(although he set the standard. rather crafty way of stopping everyone to chuck granite chunks at the poor lady). 

If He should have, he would have.

but he did not.

Jesus was(and since he is unchanging, IS) a radical. 

so why are some of us going back to all that legalism? 

'it's fair, i see' some of us may reply.

well it sounds like it's 'phar-i-see' if you say it really really fast. 

it's not that we Christians disregard God's rules for living. no, we hold on to it. but we do not live by it. 

2 commandments : Love God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul. and also love your neighbour as yourself

and see how it has been changed to laws, rituals, restrictions, penalties. 

we are a lot less helpful than we think we are. 

to non-Christians who read this: i mean no harm to you. as much as I would like you to accept my Jesus, i would also like to treat you the same way i would if you were a Christian.

I'd show you all within myself

If you'd acquiesce to unconditional love

not acceptance, but love

more than acceptance, but love

but you won't; you can't

us mere humans who'd conquer the sky

if not for the fact that

we're but humans who want even the sky

i see the silver coated glass

and i watch you return the glare

if you'd become what you've metamorphed

then i'd pull the beam lodged in my eye

even blow off the sawdust and specks

if i'd see what i've become

maybe i'm wrong; i've been right all along

maybe the fault lies in your saying, your doing 

i could be clean; you might have been dirty

all this while, you were more than just annoying

still i'd choose to 

remain as promised: true

true to unconditioned affection

to be part of a love compelling

overbearin us, overloading us;

our pain is our joy, Your joy is my strength

I'll wear Your yoke, i'll carry Your load

I can't see what i'll carry

though You carried the world

2 beams, a promise to You

all You ask is all i have

all You want is all i can give

and it's Yours

it's all Yours

In the air

Another Brooke Fraser song. this one's called mystery

i have a feeling pretty soon i'll have all the lyrics for all the Brooke Fraser songs. 

I wanna get your words stuck in my head
I wanna touch your soul with mine
I want to always be, be by your lead
Always

I wanna know that you hung the stars in the sky
So on lonely nights I would know your presence
I wanna feel your love under my skin, down through my bones

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures

I wanna feel the wind and know that you're near me
And see in the seasons your mystery
I wanna feel your love flow through my veins

I want to know how this could be
Yet your love remains a mystery
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way through me

But anyway, this one isn't for fun.

Despite how sleepy i've been, despite how thick my skull has grown, no matter how callous my heart may grow to be, in spite of how impervious my soul can become,

there's something in the air. I can feel it. 

(and no, it's not the haze, to all you snickering cynics out there)

this one is to my fellow future eternal neighbours. 

I do believe there's going to be a buildup. maybe it's cos church camp is coming and i'm trying to hype myself up.

but i think i'd rather be disappointed by something i make up, then be cynical and be saying the famous 'i told you so' to others. 

yeah i think i wouldn't mind risking a fall. i wouldn't mind risking an embarrassment. 

it's rather remarkable(i use this word because i don't know if this is a good or bad thing) how cynical and disbelieving i've become, thanks to how other self professed Christians have behaved(and in the process, really making me feel ashamed and at a loss for words), the lack of 'God-talk' in my life, the draining effect of WORK. On one hand, i don't think i rattle off stuff i'm not sure about anymore. my brain seems to have better control over the wacky nerves in my mouth. and i don't think i missed the days when i was an enthusiastic, albeit ignorant and impulsive little fish. (for those of you who may want to know, the fish was a sign of Christianity in the early days. Christians who shared no common language would draw the symbol of the fish, which looks like an infinity sign with one end closed. however, aside from myself thinking it sounds cute, i dunno why i described myself as a fish) those were the Ibanez days, i'd think. yet on this side of the hill, i think my cynicism has caused me to experience lesser moments of awe. those were the moments where time would seem to sit still, and i'd let myself be taken to Calvary. those were heart wrenching moments of joy. and i do miss those spaces of time. 

i do.

I wanna have the cake and eat it. 

I want the innocence of the Ibanez days, and I wanna play like Satriani. 

I want to be doubtful and cynical at the correct time and place, but lavish my faith, hope and love on the Way, the Truth, the Light, and all the things He stands for. 

I want to sound like a child who flows over the brim with wisdom. 

I want to be funny without hurting anyone

I want to be holy, and not be aloof

I want to love unconditionally, but not partake of sin

I want God's blessings on my friends, and I want His blessings on my enemies.

I want to experience the joy of giving a large wad of cash to people who need it

I want the income disparity in the world to end

I don't want any enemies. 

I don't want the pain from the baptism of fire, but i want to be refined as gold. 

I don't want to make screw ups, but i want to remember not to make them. 

I don't want black bile. but I want to be driven heavenward

I want to want God more and more. and more and more. 

then I want to love Him more and more.

this would be the perfect birthday present. ok maybe not perfect, perfect would include stuff like being taller, being able to dunk, having the same skill and MUSICALITY as Joe Satriani, having a 24 fret fender telecaster, having a wife that's 'HOTTER THAN MUTHU'S CURRY AND SPICIER THAN FATIMAH'S SPICES'(and a voice and talent like Brooke Fraser's!), having time and money to go on ALL the dive trips i want, which would somehow, with the help of worm holes and time machines, NEVER clash with sunday services. 

there's still a lot more. 

Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven

The Least of us

31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory.32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

 34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

 37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

 40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

 41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

 44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

 45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

 46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

Matthew 25:31-46

This sucks.

I mean, it's great for the hungry, naked and imprisoned guy.

but not for me. 

this means that I am supposed to meet his or her need. hmmm... now that we're talking about ME meeting the need, maybe it's not so great for that person.

so if he/she's hungry, i'll cook maggi mee for him/her(anything else will give him a stomachache, if he's lucky)

if he's naked, i'll lend him my clothes. however, because of my size, or rather the lack of it, it may inadvertently end up making him look sexually confused. an alternative lifestyle, as they like to say. but the rest of us call it GAY.

if he's in prison, i'll visit him. and tell him lame jokes and funny stories. I mean, he's a CAPTIVE audience.

but if he's a jerk, if he treats me and everyone less than what we deserve, if the sight of him makes my stomach churn, if he's balding prematurely, how do I respond? even a bottle of Yun Nam hair cream has to be tactfully given in love, lest he misunderstand my genuine concern as mockery.

there is a need in all of us. and for some of us, Jesus wants to use us to meet that need in others. sounds glamorous. but that's all the glamour we could ever get. 

Lord knows I don't want to do it. I feel like Ananias going to Saul's house to heal his eyes. Or more accurately, like me wearing a giant chicken wing suit and dancing in front of a ravenous crocodile.

but i think there's more to it than meeting a need. I think this is another one of His ways of changing us. of making us pick up our cross (now it feels like a crucification!), of denying ourselves and following Him. 

This is one of those things where i do it because i know i have to. if i could, i'd do it willingly and cheerfully, with a big smile on my face. but if i can't do it willingly, i'd rather do it unwillingly than not do it at all.