an excerpt from Blue Like Jazz

an excerpt from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

From Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

 

I felt like both churches came to the table with a them and us mentality, them being the liberal non-Christians in the world, and us being Christians. I felt, once again, that there was this underlying hostility for homosexuals and Democrats and, well,  hippie types. I cannot tell you how much I did not want liberal or gay people to be my enemies. I liked them. I cared about them, and they cared about me. I learned that in the woods. I had never felt so alive as I did in the company of my liberal friends. It isn’t that the Christians I had been with had bad community; they didn’t, I just liked the community of the hippies because it was more forgiving, more, I don’t know, healthy.

 

The real issue in the Christian community was that it was conditional. You were loved, but if you had questions, questions about whether the Bible was true or whether America was a good country or whether last week’s sermon was good, you were not so loved. You were loved in word,  but there was, without question, a social commodity that was being withheld from you until you shaped up. By toeing the party line you earned social dollars; by being yourself you did not. If you wanted to be valued, you became a clone. These are broad generalizations, and they are unfair, but this is what I was thinking at the time. Bear with me, and I will tell you what I learned.

 

I began to attend a Unitarian church. All-Souls Unitarian Church in Colorado Springs was wonderful. The people were wonderful. Like my friends in the woods, they freely and openly accepted everybody the church didn’t seem to accept. I don’t suppose they accepted fundamentalists, but neither did I at the time. I was comfortable there. Everybody was comfortable there. I did not like their flaky theology though. I did not like the way they changed words in the hymns, and I did not like the way they ignored the Bible, but I loved them, and they really liked me. I loved the smiley faces, the hugs, the vulnerable feel to the place, the wonderful old gray-haired professors, former alcoholics and drug addicts, the intellectual feminists who greeted me with the kindest, most authentic faces that I understood as invitations to tell my story.

 

I began to understand that my pastors and leaders were wrong., that the liberals were not evil, they were liberal for the same reason Christians were Christians, because they believed their philosophies were right, good, and beneficial for the world. I had been raised to believe there were monsters under the bed, but I had peeked, in a moment of bravery, and found a wonderful world, a good world, better, in fact, than the one I had known.

 

The problem with Christian community was that we had ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in Christian community, but it was conditional love. Sure, we called it unconditional, but it wasn’t. There were bad people in the world and good people in the world. We were raised to believe this. If people were bad, we treated them as though they were evil or charity: If they were bad and rich, they were evil. If they were bad and poor, they were charity. Christianity was always right, we were always looking down on everybody else. And I hated this. I hated it with a passion. Everything in my soul told me it was wrong. It felt, to me, as wrong as sin. I wanted to love everybody. I wanted everything to be cool. I realize this sounds like tolerance, and to many in the church the word tolerance is profanity, but that is precisely what I wanted. I wanted tolerance. I wanted everybody to leave everybody else alone, regardless of their religious beliefs, regardless of their political affiliation. I wanted people to like each other. Hatred seemed, to me, the product of ignorance. I was tired of biblical ethic being used as a tool with which to judge people rather than heal them. I was tired of Christian leaders using biblical principles to protect their power, to draw a line in the sand separating the good army from the bad one. The truth is I had met the enemy in the woods and discovered they were not the enemy.  I wondered whether any human being could be an enemy of God.

enigmat

tell me, O Mysterious One

am I an enigma,

bits of conundrum, pieces of riddle?

that between the 2 of us, it might be easier, if not already better

to spend this span

figuring You?

that it would take eternity and then some

to decipher us

eternity for Yours

and an age for mine

maybe we're truly accidents that were waiting

once one examines the world we're inhabiting

and if not for You, I'd have bought into that 

are we to be figured out

or are we to question the answers

all already given out?

now this is really rather random

who are we, that You would actually die for us. who are we, that you still sustain us, from each breath to the next, heartbeat to heartbeat?

who are You, that you defend your enemies, the ones who hate You, and hold them to Yourself as Your children?

who are we, and who are You? what is life, a sojourn, a mystery, a moment of consciousness out of a rend in time?

oh that this would be forever! that i would feel you every moment of my life!

But let Your will be done. 

Let me go without drink so that i would thirst. 

For You.

let me lose myself only to find You.

Take my heart. You can't steal it, I'm giving it to You.

i'm wondering me; and pondering us

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

not now seeing

but thinking of stars

how far they are

how high they seem

how cheap we've made ourselves

for You to redeem

we were scarlet in sin

now we're white as snow

sacred blood, so carelessly spilled

so aimlessly wondering, amidst its flow

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

was it all worth it,

when You got Your scars

Yours is no place for a mind

a heart for numbers; profit and gain

Yours is a mystery

unwritable, untamable

who are You, and who am i?

but show me yourself, before anything else

show me yourself, and i'll have nothing else

have i told You before

how much i need You, 

how much i want to want You?

yes i have, a thousand times over

and still, i repeat that prayer

which reaches further than stars

words are words, and i'll be me

while i wait for You

to release me from my skin

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

but now, no need for that

when i'm here, with the First and the Last

the crossroad is a memory away

and now the journey is the only way

would i lose it to refind it

lose it to refine it

sometimes it stings;

the knowledge that 

at the end of the day

i'm still clay

there to be made nothing

when i figure i've became something

to form teetering shapes 

tottering towers

Holy water-holding vases

for thirsty, pained faces

we're hardened, but we're breakable

we go through fires, fire after fire

when it all ends, who can, who will say

if i'm what i hoped to be, on that distant day

would I lose you, to find the real You

lose me, to refine the aged me

or are things what they seem to be

but blurred through wide awake eyes

don't let me lose You

but let me release me

let me find myself

in You

You can have all this world, but give me Jesus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tsEvV5REww

another amazing video of Brooke Fraser. yeah yeah, here i go again. this one is her doing a cover of Fernando Ortega(who's that?!)'s song, and then followed by Faithful(my most most most favourite song off Albertine)

my pessimistic soliloquy is overdue.

somewhere on the other side of the world, a so-called Christian is getting laid. and then on this side of the world, a similar confessor is having a similar experience.

and perhaps one third around the world, a Christian in Africa is facing a test of faith. at gunpoint.

on the same continent, the people starving to death are a lot more than the hairs on your head. your families' head, even.

in 3 different places at once, sons and daughters are denying their heavenly Father because of temporary things they see and feel. circumstances meant for their own good. 

6 hours ago, a potential believer had his chances erased when he saw a believer in cavorting in sin. and enjoying it.

someone just died of starvation.

3 people in Africa just got infected with AIDS.

and there's not a single thing any of us did about it. 

we'd probably forget about all these next week.

it sucks to know someone is really suffering, and all you do about it is sit on your ass.

Tony Campolo once said, "some of you don't give a shit about poverty in the world. And some of you are more offended that i just said 'shit' than by the fact there are more children dying of starvation in Africa."

I know, we're supposed to pray. and pray about it. 

but honestly, doesn't anyone find it a bit idealistic? 

but i guess i'm called to be a fool. so that some smart alecs out there would be put to immense shame. 

so after i've finished writing this, i'm going to pray. and perhaps someone out there would live to suffer another day.

and with that put aside, i've got my own winding road to travel. Lord knows how many potholes are waiting out there for me to sprain my ankle in. brambles and thistles, do your worst. i'm gonna meet the Gardener.

now, if you can, please pray a seemingly futile prayer for someone in africa. somewhere a kid has forgotten to smile. he hasn't smiled, and he'd rather spend the energy worrying about where the next scrap of food will come. his bloated stomach is an ironic stark contrast to his limbs. but it's bloated because he's starving, not because he's full. your futile prayer may help him remember how to smile one day.

in the neighbouring country, a 3 year old girl has just been raped because of a stupid and ridiculous myth that AIDS can be cured by having sex with a virgin. so that 3 year old girl will probably not live beyond the age of 14. all because of a stupid myth. 

who wants this world? give me Jesus.

Lord, we can't hear their cries. we may have felt their gastric pangs once in a while, but not as often as they do. we can't hear them but You do. and You hear our prayers too. Hear our prayers. Please. 

Tim and Jem, you guys KNOW you're jealous!

oh yeah you 2 guys know you're so jealous of me

so anyway, i just came back from a Tommy Emmanuel concert with Tim and Jem. and it was so  amazing. 

and the beautiful thing is, i met this beautiful caucasian girl with a lip stud, and she talked to us, but SPECIFICALLY TO ME. 

and she used a horrible pick up line! she asked 'excuse me, do you know where to get an afro wig?'

i mean, come on, can you believe someone would actually use such a random and horrible pickup line? and did i mention i'm totally nuts about pretty caucasian girls who have lip piercings, are shorter than me, and use totally random and horrible pickup lines? 

oh yeah i'm NUTS about them.

and so now tim and jem are sick with envy that she talked to ME. ME! and tim had to steal the attention away from me by telling her where to find afro wigs while i was soaking in the amazing moment where i've finally met my soul mate.

ah nothing like a little distortion of the truth. but hey, boys, please don't be jealous of me. man i really should have offered to BRING her to the party store or whatever. 

so, i guess the last gig of the year is over. and it was so amazing. 

i'm starting to realise that there seems to be no way i can ever lock any memories of gigs and replay them in my head. but i think the beauty of it is fleeting. and it's pretty amazing. sadly, i think i've only been to 2 official gigs, both of them this year and in this semester. but hey, it's Joe Satriani's fault for refusing to put on a show here. 

anyway, back to fleeting beauty. if i may roughly quote and summarize C.S Lewis and Donald Miller, one ironic constant of our human life is change. although C.S Lewis says that we fluctuate around a heavenbound path , while Donald Miller says that the beauty of change is to see how much we have changed once we have returned from a journey while others remain the same. ok i'm not quoting the exactly what they said, and i suspect i'm manipulating their words a little bit so i could get to my point. but what i'm trying to say is, hmmm.... oh well, i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. maybe something about how we should seize the day, the moment, or maybe something about avoiding ending up in a state of denial where we find out too late that we have somehow manage to seemingly cryogenically freeze ourselves while everything else has thawed with time, and altered so much that our frozen state is obsolete, and our best attempt is nothing more than a futile struggle.

but i'd say the best thing is to um, ignore that whole paragraph. i need some sleep. 

so tim and jem, stop being so jealous of me. SHE CHOSE ME. LIVE WITH IT MUAHAHAHAHA

 like my eggs done over easy and flour tortillas

10:43

one girl i know actually said she might be interested in you

43:41

lols

43:50

cos she said she likes big heads and ear piercings

43:51

hahahahah

thanks alot jem. 

anyway, here's a really cool video about an incredibly incredible and poisonous(venomous?) underwater

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHnm4I4RBMo

well let's just put aside all the evolution and creationism theories and differences, and let's all just agree that such animals deserve more dignity than just being evidence for people's theories. (HOWEVER, I SUPPORT CREATIONISM!)

sometimes i really wonder if it's possible that i remove all lines between christians and non-christians. and let friendship be friendship. no ulterior motives, like wanting to convert everything that moves to christianity.

and then i realise, regardless of public or private opinion, that wanting my friends to become christian is really concern, and sadly at times a legalistic responsibility that i have.

and then there's an issue that most non-christians(and quite a number of christians) act in ways that i cannot reconcile or ignore. at the risk of sounding self righteous and holier-than-thou, to do so seems nothing more than a betrayal of myself, of what i stand for and who i live for.

it's not so much a question of tolerance. but i see it as an issue of acknowledging who i am, of understanding the shape i have been moulded into, of how hard it was to be moulded into that shape. 

so i'll have to find a way to get my big head and ear piercings around this. 

I like the way you look

those papered memories we took

a minute, a second from the giggles

we could never hope to stifle

now we're the past, and the past is broken

yes, we're broken, and it's still unspoken

we're the future, we're apart

we're the desires of our heart

it's a crying shame; that stupid game

i took the bait; now there're only losers

the seams are undone, it seems

it teems with unbridled arbitrary unlicensed hope

it's barely bound by fraying tattered rope

i'm running, i'm hiding

from you, myself, from everything

tell me your name, i fear of you

we haven't met; i already know you

i've seen you in black and white

moving pictures, at high temperatures

i spoke to you before, my friend of uncharted future

you just didn't hear, you never strained an ear

give me your self, and i'll give you mine

we could be beautiful, i can divine

never apart, at worst a part

of a One, a palpitating heart.

we're one plus one, and still we're One

or maybe we are halves, with wedges and nooks

crannies and crooks

all along waiting; all along aching

to fit and fill, relieve and fulfill

myself, yourself and us

to write an unwritten book

then unwrite the written book

that others, mortal and now dust

have painstakingly written, 

and left for replication

no, my dear, let's not be taken

we'll write a classic, an epic storybook!

we'll be divine, we'll learn to fly

we'll make our homes up in the sky

we're no Icarus, we'll never collide

with the earth, it's unbreakable hide

*here's a rather light hearted version*

we'll be divine, we'll be so fly

we'll even do our business in the sky

poor fools who're down to earth

when they find out what hit them, they'll be unnerved!

we could be beautiful, we could be divine

my friend from uncharted future, you left me for Time

we're apart now, but soon we'll be a part

of a One, a One beating heart

just tell me your name, show me your face

step through time, then we can keep in pace

I don't know you, but I don't know me too

we'll start on the same page, and write us through

Paul Washer

ok so a few months ago i was on duty and i was checking out this site www.godtube.com. so there was this preacher called Paul Washer, there was a video of him preaching at a Youth Group. here's one of the links, http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=c1d1e567eb773a4b288d.

so anyway, what he basically does, is he goes to a youth group, and lets them know how they've gone wrong.

'i'll preach as a dying man. to dying men. and women. and youth. and i'll preach as though i will never preach again. and i will tell you things that you will misunderstand, and i will tell you things that will make you so angry with me. and i will tell you things that you will deny. and i will tell you things and you will say i have no right to tell you what i'm telling you.'

and he's not wrong man. 

he lambasts them over and over and over again about their anti nominism, and what's frightening is that i wonder whether the message is for me too. he talks about American christianity, and one of his controversial quotes

"The greatest heresy in the American evangelical and Protestant church is that if you pray and ask Jesus Christ to come into your heart, He will definitely come in."

from there he talks about how salvation is by faith and faith alone in Jesus, which is preceeded and followed by repentance, a desire not to be like the world, not to be like the great majority of christians, not to be like britney spears, but to be like Jesus Christ. so the audience starts clapping, amening.

and then he says, "I don't know why you're clapping. I'm talking about you. I didn't come here to get amens. i didn't come here to be applauded. I'm talking about you."

as much as i love Donald Miller's writing, i'd say Paul Washer preceeds him should we talk about truth. simply because he used scripture. and it's sobering. and rather shocking. 

i wonder!

i forgot i had a bunch of stuff saved in my macbook(i'm deliberately mentioning macbook because i want to let all of you know that ONCE YOU GO MAC YOU DON'T GO BACK), them being excerpts from good reads i had. so this one is from The Ragamuffin Gospel, it's really my most favourite book of the year, i'm not saying that it's my most favourite book simply because i'm mentioning it now and therefore i'm unconsciously brainwashing myself that the book is good, the book is wonderful, the book is therefore THE BEST. 

if you don't understand what i said, there's a high chance a lot of other people don't. me included.

anyway, this was the prayer of a rabbi, which he revealed as he lay on his deathbed. he said that he had never regretted a single moment of his life, thanks to God.

without further delay, here it is

Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men’s faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all. 

i don't wanna spoil the mood now by saying too much stuff, but i think this is something i really could learn from. to re learn once again how to be a child. a good boy, not a naughty one, of course. to take my cynicism, my skepticism, and sarcasm(the kind that is intentionally hurtful) and give their butts a good hard kick. then chuck them out of the window(remembering to open the window because it would be a pain to sweep up any broken glass).

Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all.

the Hall of Shame

well just yesterday, youtube managed(for the umpteenth time) to keep me awake a few hours longer than i was supposed to. 

but anyway, on to the reason for my title. 

for those of you who want to find out how disgusting some of today's so-called Christians can actually be, you may want to visit this site

http://leavingfundamentalism.org/hallofshame.htm

there's this guy, called Peter Popoff(this surname is a LAME JOKE waiting to happen, i tell you). apparently, he was found out by a professional skeptic(can you believe such a job exists?) to be fake. one of his tricks was to feign prophecy. so he'd point out a poor(sometimes, literally) unsuspecting audience member, and start to declare, much to his/her amazement, his/her name, address, personal details, like what he/she was suffering from. 

well, James Randi used a radiowave detector, and discovered popoff's wife popping off information to him into his earphones. 

he went bankrupt shortly after that. 

and then in 2007, he came back to the commercial scene selling AUTHENTIC HOLY WATER. and it was FREE! 

so upon ordering, the person will find with it a bunch of instructions on how to properly use the holy water. like, drinking it for 5 days, after which, do not be surprised to find yourself healed of cancer! aids! necrophillia! and remember to make send a large paycheck to Rev. Peter Popoff too! as he says from an instructional video, the power does not come from drinking the Holy Water, it comes from following the instructions!

i know i'm not the only one hoping popoff well, pops off. 

desperate people suffering from cancer, have been made bankrupt because of a misguided faith used when they were at their wits' end. you know what's one thing worse than having cancer? having cancer and being a lot poorer than you already are. and that's what popoff did. 

Peter, the Holy Ghost is telling me you're a huckster and an idiot. Welcome to the Hall of Shame.

to my pentecostal charismatic(or is it charismatic pentecostals?) friends, i really am not trying to lambast you, and i know this will contribute to your chagrin. but i've given up on these signs and wonders. take a look at Derren Brown and his 'conversions' of the atheists he randomly assembles. Derren Brown is an atheist, and with manipulative words and 'mysterious' gestures, he achieves the same wonders, such as causing people to be slain in the spirit. 

The book of James tells us true faith is accompanied by works. i guess the question is what kind of works? 

would you speak in tongues on saturdays and sundays, and maybe for fifteen minutes every day as well, and for the rest of the time, a vulgarity is waiting to spring off your tongue? with the same mouth you curse man and praise God? 

i'd rather be silent. 

i know, i have generalised. i have assaulted an imaginary enemy. or maybe i haven't. i don't know, i've never met these people. 

something different

Simon

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall, 
Scream out loud, 
As you start to crawl 
Back in your cage 
The only place 
Where they will 
Leave you alone. 
'Cause the weak will 
Seek the weaker til they've broken them. 
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same? 
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense, 
Left you with no defense; 
They tore it down. 

(Chorus):
And I have felt the same as you, 
I've felt the same as you, 
I've felt the same. 

Locked inside 
The only place 
Where you feel sheltered, 
Where you feel safe. 
You lost yourself 
In your search to find 
Something else to hide behind. 

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence. 
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around? 
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones, 
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown. 

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip, 
Refuse to fall. 
Can't be weak, 
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will. 
You don't know why they had to go this far, 
Traded your worth for these scars, 
For your only company. 
And don't believe the lies 
That they have told to you. Not one word was true 
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

by Lifehouse

when i first heard this song(now on hindsight it sounds like a possible soundtrack for City of Angels) i knew it was one of those songs that was different. and so i couldn't listen out for the lyrics, mostly cos everyone around me was singing very loudly and out of tune, but not as bad as the overweight and overbearing bimbo wannabe happily screaming for Jason Wade(MARRY ME! AAAAHH!). maybe Jason Wade would be screaming(in horror) if he saw her demanding him to forfeit the rest of his life(and romantic dreams) to her. furthermore, i bet most of her screaming didn't reach Jason Wade cos it ended up in MY LEFT EAR. 

furthermore there was another guy who happily stood in front of me, conveniently being a head(a t-rex's head) taller than me. after introducing himself as Shawn/Shaun/Sean, he happily started grooving, giving an impression that he was either drunk, on drugs, mad, asking for a beating, or (most likely) all of them. it was quite funny how he looked like a happy pigeon with the unique and er, rather bollywood style of moving his head. oh well, at least he has a flexible neck. and most importantly, the opening act(Jack and Rai) managed to tire him out when Lifehouse started.

oh my, how i've digressed. deliberately.

but hey, for those of you who dunno yet, i just came back from a Lifehouse gig at Power Station at St James', my first time seeing what a club looks like. no clubbing involved, although i could say that a lot of us wanted to club Shawn/Shaun/Sean with anything and everything we could find. man, if only we had some clubbing. 

shucks, i've digressed again.

so, back, and fully devoted to Lifehouse. before Brooke Fraser came along, i think i probably thought Jason Wade wrote lyrics that i, with hot air, deemed high class enough.

this gig was really fantastic. i really wish i could have recorded it in my mind but it seems like i'm forgetting it. but lifehouse live is fantastic. really fantastic. even though they managed to attract a few psycho fans.

on a more sombre thought, i really hope i haven't been one of the arrogant weak mentioned in this song. i doubt it's being meaty beefcakes with tattoos, but more of oppressing different people, who usually are different because they are weird. well, Shawn/Shaun/Sean the pigeon was weird but he really didn't seem oppressed, depressed, and he definitely impressed nobody with his extreme enthusiasm.

after watching boy a, i'm starting to have a more empathic sympathy(or should it be sympathetic empathy?) for the outcasts. the thing is i always find myself on the apathetic side. and i really don't know how it would be like, to stand up for them, to be proud of being a weirdo's friend, to treat them the same as everyone. it's not as easy as it seems in the movies, where the weirdos are just quieter people. how easy is it when you're asked to put your arm around somebody who talks differently, has a complete set of interests that you may never have heard of, basically, someone you can't identify with? 

sometimes i wish i had cotton wool for brains. then i'd innocently befriend anyone and everyone, and treat them the same. but it's different when you want to be part of the crowd. 

so, i wonder how it would be like not to be part of the crowd. to be alone, but not lonely. 

Boy A

so i went to watch this show with a hot date. 

yeah right who am i kidding. i watched it with jeremy. i mean, it's not that he's not hot(just get a fever!) it's just that he doesn't qualify as a date.

the movie was quite a short story stretched out to fill a 2 hour time slot. and fill it did. with garnish, icing, spices and whatever. fantastic movie. to cut the long(after being stretched out) story short, it's based on the murder of James Bulger, a 3 year old boy, very cute, although no where near as cute as I was when i was 3, all the way till now. 2 10 year old boys murdered him really brutally, including splashing blue paint on his face, to kicking and hitting him with BRICKS, stones and a 22lb iron bar(can you imagine 2 boys holding either side of the bar and smashing it into his fragile body). 

and i guess the most shocking thing about the 2 boys is that during the trial, they were LAUGHING as they recounted their murder and mutilation. 

yeap, they were laughing. that's cold, man. it's the stuff that brings goosebumps. 

but the show showed none of the laughing part. it showed one of the kids as a poor oppressed boy who befriended the other murderer, who protected him from bullies(kicking one of their faces in) and then revealed how he was raped by his elder brother, and mutilates an eel he caught before throwing it back into the river it came from. i mean, i thought he'd smack the eel to eat it or something.  

the two boys, with their family, have been given new identities and released from their detention. 

in the movie, phillip, portrayed as the instigator and basically, the more evil one, was murdered by older boys in the detention centre, and the whole scene was set up to look like a suicide. 

but the movie focused on how Jack(previously known as Eric, the more innocent one) faces life, with an immense phobia of having his identity found out, as well as a lack of communication skills with the people he works with. with a guardian who is a lot more effective playing the paternal role in his life than his biological father, as well as a rather, well, large girlfriend(to be honest i was quite disappointed to see the girlfriend wasn't one of those hot hollywood mamas) and a couple of friends, he DOES eventually have his identity found out and-AHA! I WILL NOT TELL YOU THE STORYLINE! oh wait i already have. ok well i won't tell you how it ends. 

the movie was basically fantastic. the guy acting as jack is really incredible, in fact the whole crew acted incredibly well. and i did leave the movie feeling arty and farty. well, arty cos i was already in artillery, and as for the latter... i'll let you know after i finish this basket of onions.(sorry jem, it's an old joke for you) and there were like, only 10 people in the cinema(from such a small number, i can easily say i was the BEST LOOKING GUY in the theatre, although this bears no significance to the movie whatsoever)

ok now it's time for the serious stuff(why so serious)

i went to the movie with an impression that i could see this as an avenue for me to exercise my new found opinion of showing grace and mercy to everyone who deserved and did not deserve it. not that i was anyone high up, mind you, but we who have normal lives, even good lives, ought to bear in mind those who do not, and can not have the mundane schedules that we take for granted and at times curse. 

it was so easy to say that Jack did not deserve to be persecuted by a public who cannot let go of the past. simply because jack seemed like a decent chap. innocent, even. 

and so, i'm thinking past the issue of Jack, and wondering about Phillip, had he survived. 

what kind of person would he have been? and what kind of person would we become when we meet him? i could just imagine, in the movie, normal people having normal lives, suddenly becoming extremely hateful when they hear a murderer was released. without seeing, talking the murderer, who, by the way, saved a girl from a car wreck too. 

how many masks do we have? and are we aware of when we change our faces? of how gradual, or how abrupt the change is? 

i wonder if we Christians would be scared to forgive someone like Phillip. someone who seems like, basically, 95% evil when he was already just 5% the size of Shaq.

I wonder whether Jesus would have forgiven him, and somewhere deep inside me, i think Jesus wants to, but whether Phillip would let himself be forgiven is a different thing. 

I think we're stingy with our love, maybe because we're afraid we'd lose it if we give it to the 'wrong' person, or because we'd be seen as idiots who are flamboyant and extravagant with affections. 

and i know we're quite a bunch of proud buggers who think we're immensely much better than the poor fools who've made a mistake in life that happens to be specified in a penal code from a miscellaneous country. and so we set up our own unwritten and unspoken code of ethics, and whoever does not fit in is given a good hard sharp kick in the butt, and left for dead after that. You would make a wide berth around a corpse wouldn't you? i think most companies make a wider berth around ex-cons too. 

and then i wonder if phillip could have changed while in detention, and came out a person very much as apparently innocent as jack. 

I think one of the hardest parts about being a Christian is the way God wants us to treat others. in a way opposite from that unwritten and unspoken code of ethics. we show love to whoever. that's basically how i see it. that we don't withhold our love from anyone. but this 'anyone' just mentioned did not contain people like phillip. 

well, Jesus did love Judas. He did wash Judas' feet. He loved, knowing that it would not be reciprocated did he not? us, we're already afraid if there's a mere CHANCE that the love would not have any results whatsoever. it seems like we're treating love like an investment. but what about when our love is GUARANTEED not to have any results? i wonder if we could be like Jesus, and love Judas just like that. I wonder if Jesus enjoys giving love, and not seeing its rewards.

well the movie didn't give me any answers. it left me asking the same questions, perhaps with a bit more insight and a lot less naivety, thanks to excellent acting. 

these murderers are the very ones Jesus died for. 

imagine that. 

It's so strange

that in these moments, i know it's true

all love, joy, freedom and peace

they're all found in You

despite my meandering 

you make my paths straight

when i look elsewhere

you still keep your eyes on me

and i realise it's all true

nothing will keep anyone from you

not rules nor laws

mistakes or flaws

any kind of distractions 

or our lame attempts at perfection

not songs of love, or songs of hate

politics, politicians, and all their perfidious bait

a lack of money, a lack of time

the absence of life's reason and rhyme

any victory, any loss

any gain or any cost

show me something that will quell You

any fane or rumination 

even strongest rock and softest flow'r

smallest sparrow and highest tower

could only came into being 

by your call and beckoning

so keep me, keep me with You

though the grass seems greener off the beaten path

if i stray, if i fail to follow through

call me, bring me back to You

show me, tell me of Your love

keep me in awe, and very much in love

with You

It's so strange

that in these moments, i know it's true

Your love is too good, and only too true

that i'd captured in this wonderful rapture

for one day further than forever

it's so strange

that it's so natural;

how i'm made to fit the crook of your arms

how we wander to you, in cheer and doldrums

how we long for You

Oh how we long for You

Day is dimming

The day is dimming and I'm yearning for You

I won't be satisfied till I see Your face

Every victory, every loss,

every ticket every cross

You can put them all in place

It seems I'm finding more of why in these moments

I feel like I'm made to sing of how good You are

The more the years swell by and pass

each seconds more than last

it's true by far

that no profound thought or clever rhyme

no soaring, grand melodic line

no theory, philosophy or sign

can explain it

can explain

Where You are, I wanna be

It's Your love that has changed me

I'd give the world and all its charms

for a moment in Your arms

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

than a thousand elsewhere

I still remember what it felt like before You

I'm grateful everyday for how things have changed

I'll thank You everywhere i can

'cos my life only began 

when I heard You call my name

now no praise of man, no great acclaim

no humble looking kind of fane

no power, wealth or worldly gain

could satisfy me,

could ever satisfy

cos where You are I wanna be

It's Your grace that has raised me

I'd give my whole life

to honour You

and whom I live

and whom I move

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

Better is one day in Your courts

better is one day in Your house

better is one day in Your courts

than anywhere else

Lead me, lead me

lead me to Yourself

lead me to Your heart

where You are I wanna be

It's Your love that has changed me

I'd give my life to honour You

and whom I live

and whom I move

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

Lead me to Yourself

Lead me to Your heart

I'll be found in You

I'll be found in You

here is peace

here is joy

here is life

here is, freedom, freedom

in You

I'm quite grateful that I forgot that i saved a draft of the very same lyrics.

quite a few times I had to pause while typing this out. 

I knew i had to seize that moment while it lasted.

that moment when the lyrics took on a form bigger and deeper, a lot more animated and alive than the words on my monitor. 

where the lyrics seemed to be God's way of speaking to me, despite them being a melancholic paean to Himself.

and so I grabbed it.

it felt like I was clutching at empty straws. because, to be completely dead honest, I did deliberately decide to pause halfway while typing the lyrics so I could honestly say I did so. to perhaps, appear more sentimental than I felt(I heard this song last wed and only slept after midnight).

but I dunno how, once again, this song impacted me like a sledgehammer.(i've never felt it before actually, so perhaps the closest thing it comes to is Tim's(cos he was the first) and everyone else's hands smashing my face into a birthday cake. well, you can't blame me, my birthday was quite recent so I want to bring this up although i doubt it will make any of the guilty parties feel as though they are supposed to-GUILTY!)

the best part is, I can't seem to give this song a permanent form.

it seems to have taken on a few forms and spoke different volumes of similar impact each time. (the irony is that it seems i could be describing an extremely satanic song but it's time to get back to the topic.)

I can't explain it, I can't box it up. I wish I could capture its impacting essence in my mp3 or my macbook(MACBOOK FOR THE WIN!), but i can't. I can't.

why something so beautiful has to be so fleeting, is something that at times frustrates me, but other times makes me sit back and realise the frailty and infidelity of my heart.

So i hope that, as you listen to this song, you're as impacted as I was.

that you find yourself wanting to repeat this song even before halfway through the first verse

that you realise God is in all the beautiful things, but more importantly, that all the beautiful things are in God

that you see how things could and should be between you and your Maker  

that you realise once again that tears can burn, and then they leave a gelid residue

and then when you take an occasional glance at the clock, you realise it's the next day, but you decide it's worth staying up to contemplate something unknown, because you have forever and a day

and then you realize that all your contemplation brings no answer, but you've been glad to receive an apparent nothing, because you finally feel, deep within your bones, that all this while you've never been alone.

Hosea's Wife

'... and he was a prophet, he was a kind of minor prophet in the bible, and he had a wife called Gomer. which is kind of a............... really.......

gross name. 

and so, that's why this song isn't called Gomer, it's called Hosea's Wife'

I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me

She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech

That turned to mine and asked belligerently

“What do I live for?”

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go

From hearts to wars to literature to radio

There’s a question like a shame no one will show

“What do I live for?”

We are Hosea’s wife

We are squandering this life

Using people like ladders and words like knives

If we’ve eyes to see

If we’ve ears to hear

To find it in our hearts and mouths

The word that saves is near

Shed that shallow skin

Come and live again

There is truth in little corners of our lives

There are hints of it in songs and children’s eyes

It’s familiar, like an ancient lullaby

What do I live for?

We are Hosea’s wife

We are squandering this life

Using bodies like money and truth like lies

We are more than dust

That means something

That means something

We are more than just

Blood and emotions

Inklings and notions

Atoms on oceans

ok i just found the first part really funny and i wanted to show EVERYONE Brooke Fraser has an incredible sense of humour. so i decided to paste the song lyrics after that. 

THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP

Just yesterday i was walking from city hall to excelsior hotel(yes, i christen that place 'Guitarland').

and there was this woman. this large woman. with crooked teeth and an annoying way of speaking.(i bet you can't tell my inclination toward her!)

and she is Christian. 

yup, she is. at least i'd think so. she loudly said words like 'HALLELUJAH'(that was much later on). but at that moment, a blind man selling tissues was saying(loudly) to her, 'no i don't want to talk about religion' and stuff like that. anyone could tell he was miffed. 

and so was the lady.

at a traffic light, she prayed(loudly, with her eyes open, and in chinese) 'Lord please let it rain'

I was thinking, what for? i mean, the grass outside St Andrew's Cathedral looked pretty green. i couldn't see anyone crawling on the ground(the way they do in books and movies when they're lost in the desert and looking for water). 

'please PUNISH all these people'

my eyes widened. Justin(he was with me, naturally)'s eyes widened. and no one else seemed to care. 

Why are we Christians wishing judgement on non-Christians?

Why are we wishing on others the same punishment we would deserve?

Why? 

What happened to grace and mercy? what happened to humility? what happened to meekness, to being sent out as lambs among wolves, to patience, kindness, forgetting wrongs, a lack of envy, and the whole load from 1 Corinthians 13? 

here's one age-old question: What would Jesus have done? 

would he have wished punishment on the people who rejected Him?

maybe we've forgotten, but at his last moments on the cross, in pain, at people's insults, he said 'Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing'.

imagine that.

'Father, forgive them'

'Father, punish them'

while i have not been ridiculed and rejected yet, here's what i think : 

If we love the lost, we would be SAD at rejection. not bitter and angry. we would say 'Father, help them to listen', NOT 'Father, punish them.' 

the new guy in my office told me, while he was going out with his friends, someone came up to him and said, 'if you do not believe in God, you're going to hell'.

well, very obviously, people do not like to find out they're going to hell. and they probably think that if they disbelieve it, it won't happen to them. 

imagine saying 'I'm not gonna become a Christian because if i do, i don't need to go to hell!'

it's like they're a sucker for punishment.

but ok back to the serious stuff. it's like how children would close their eyes when they were in trouble, the logic being 'if i can't see him, he can't see me!'

pretty cute, but honestly, it's rather pitiful. 

I think some of us Christians are a lot less helpful than we imagine ourselves to be.

that in trying to help some people get their one-way ticket to the pearly gates, we end up trying to give the ticket by SMACKING it on their noses and telling them to hold the ticket with said facial feature. that in trying to save, we hurt, maim, poison. in trying to show God's glory, we end up forfeiting it. albeit unwillingly. but we do. 

it sucks when i feel like this. so helpless. 

caught in between righteousness and grace, looking across a chasm at a blindfolded friend trying to build a bridge.

have we gone overboard? i get the feeling that if a stranger approaches you on a street, he's either a surveyor, an insurance salesman, someone trying to sell stuff for charity, or a street evangelist. and i dunno why but the last category seems to receive the most complains from my friends. 

I believe we should show unconditional love.

i believe we can show unconditional love.

that we don't use love as a currency, as a reward, as bait.

but we give love, because love is not quantitative.

and we can give more and more love. because the more we give, the more we have. 

Jesus could have thrown the first stone at the woman. out of everyone there, he was the only one who met the standard(although he set the standard. rather crafty way of stopping everyone to chuck granite chunks at the poor lady). 

If He should have, he would have.

but he did not.

Jesus was(and since he is unchanging, IS) a radical. 

so why are some of us going back to all that legalism? 

'it's fair, i see' some of us may reply.

well it sounds like it's 'phar-i-see' if you say it really really fast. 

it's not that we Christians disregard God's rules for living. no, we hold on to it. but we do not live by it. 

2 commandments : Love God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul. and also love your neighbour as yourself

and see how it has been changed to laws, rituals, restrictions, penalties. 

we are a lot less helpful than we think we are. 

to non-Christians who read this: i mean no harm to you. as much as I would like you to accept my Jesus, i would also like to treat you the same way i would if you were a Christian.

I'd show you all within myself

If you'd acquiesce to unconditional love

not acceptance, but love

more than acceptance, but love

but you won't; you can't

us mere humans who'd conquer the sky

if not for the fact that

we're but humans who want even the sky

i see the silver coated glass

and i watch you return the glare

if you'd become what you've metamorphed

then i'd pull the beam lodged in my eye

even blow off the sawdust and specks

if i'd see what i've become

maybe i'm wrong; i've been right all along

maybe the fault lies in your saying, your doing 

i could be clean; you might have been dirty

all this while, you were more than just annoying

still i'd choose to 

remain as promised: true

true to unconditioned affection

to be part of a love compelling

overbearin us, overloading us;

our pain is our joy, Your joy is my strength

I'll wear Your yoke, i'll carry Your load

I can't see what i'll carry

though You carried the world

2 beams, a promise to You

all You ask is all i have

all You want is all i can give

and it's Yours

it's all Yours

In the air

Another Brooke Fraser song. this one's called mystery

i have a feeling pretty soon i'll have all the lyrics for all the Brooke Fraser songs. 

I wanna get your words stuck in my head
I wanna touch your soul with mine
I want to always be, be by your lead
Always

I wanna know that you hung the stars in the sky
So on lonely nights I would know your presence
I wanna feel your love under my skin, down through my bones

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures

I wanna feel the wind and know that you're near me
And see in the seasons your mystery
I wanna feel your love flow through my veins

I want to know how this could be
Yet your love remains a mystery
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way through me

But anyway, this one isn't for fun.

Despite how sleepy i've been, despite how thick my skull has grown, no matter how callous my heart may grow to be, in spite of how impervious my soul can become,

there's something in the air. I can feel it. 

(and no, it's not the haze, to all you snickering cynics out there)

this one is to my fellow future eternal neighbours. 

I do believe there's going to be a buildup. maybe it's cos church camp is coming and i'm trying to hype myself up.

but i think i'd rather be disappointed by something i make up, then be cynical and be saying the famous 'i told you so' to others. 

yeah i think i wouldn't mind risking a fall. i wouldn't mind risking an embarrassment. 

it's rather remarkable(i use this word because i don't know if this is a good or bad thing) how cynical and disbelieving i've become, thanks to how other self professed Christians have behaved(and in the process, really making me feel ashamed and at a loss for words), the lack of 'God-talk' in my life, the draining effect of WORK. On one hand, i don't think i rattle off stuff i'm not sure about anymore. my brain seems to have better control over the wacky nerves in my mouth. and i don't think i missed the days when i was an enthusiastic, albeit ignorant and impulsive little fish. (for those of you who may want to know, the fish was a sign of Christianity in the early days. Christians who shared no common language would draw the symbol of the fish, which looks like an infinity sign with one end closed. however, aside from myself thinking it sounds cute, i dunno why i described myself as a fish) those were the Ibanez days, i'd think. yet on this side of the hill, i think my cynicism has caused me to experience lesser moments of awe. those were the moments where time would seem to sit still, and i'd let myself be taken to Calvary. those were heart wrenching moments of joy. and i do miss those spaces of time. 

i do.

I wanna have the cake and eat it. 

I want the innocence of the Ibanez days, and I wanna play like Satriani. 

I want to be doubtful and cynical at the correct time and place, but lavish my faith, hope and love on the Way, the Truth, the Light, and all the things He stands for. 

I want to sound like a child who flows over the brim with wisdom. 

I want to be funny without hurting anyone

I want to be holy, and not be aloof

I want to love unconditionally, but not partake of sin

I want God's blessings on my friends, and I want His blessings on my enemies.

I want to experience the joy of giving a large wad of cash to people who need it

I want the income disparity in the world to end

I don't want any enemies. 

I don't want the pain from the baptism of fire, but i want to be refined as gold. 

I don't want to make screw ups, but i want to remember not to make them. 

I don't want black bile. but I want to be driven heavenward

I want to want God more and more. and more and more. 

then I want to love Him more and more.

this would be the perfect birthday present. ok maybe not perfect, perfect would include stuff like being taller, being able to dunk, having the same skill and MUSICALITY as Joe Satriani, having a 24 fret fender telecaster, having a wife that's 'HOTTER THAN MUTHU'S CURRY AND SPICIER THAN FATIMAH'S SPICES'(and a voice and talent like Brooke Fraser's!), having time and money to go on ALL the dive trips i want, which would somehow, with the help of worm holes and time machines, NEVER clash with sunday services. 

there's still a lot more. 

Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven