if only it'd ache

it's pretty shameful, how i've manage to sort of relegate my qt and stuff.

it's great that i've managed to shift it to the morning, but i guess even a spiritual thing like qt would be affected by my inability to think clearly within a couple of hours from waking up.

and so, it's silent now.

no awe, no wonder, no amazement.

just, trudging on. it's another one of those times.

it's disgusting, really, how i can easily forget my Saviour in light of material, immediate and tangible(or even intangible) things. and what makes it even worse is how i always end up dismissing my lack of desire(for God) within 10 minutes.

thank God for His grace and mercy; new every morning.

i want to yearn, to ache for God. but i can't. and i know, the usual disclaimer, feelings aside, blah blah blah. but, i want my heart and flesh to cry out. i have tasted and seen, and now i want it all over again.

what could be wrong with that?

an unfortunately enjoyable time

i had a really really great 2 weeks(those responsible for it, feel free to own up on my tagboard, i promise not to deny it if you played a part) and i'm feeling kind of guilty because of that.

JUST found out that a particular friend of mine is in a precarious position. and i'm sort of feeling ashamed because while he was having a horrible time, i was out having a great time. although, in total candor, i'm not really concerned for him and i would rather tai chi the responsibility of caring and whatever to others, i'm feeling the guilt now.

at which point, i'd really like to voice out my admiration for ANOTHER friend, who's shown how much of a friend he is.

and now i'm starting to realize how much i'm lacking in love, despite how much i say others should be more loving.

today's a humbling day.

exerpts from The Great Divorce by CS Lewis

ok, 1 reason i've been eager to get my hands on this book is because it is one of BROOKE FRASER'S favourite books. don't blame me if i find her lyrics beautifully poetic all the time.

so, this book is about a chap who boards a bus and goes to heaven and hell.

ok, down to the quotes

'That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering. "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven." and the Lost, "We were always in Hell/" And both will speak truly.'

'There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God. "Thy will be done," and those to whom God say,. in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who knock it is opened.'

this book is rather short, so i think this is all that's significant from this book. it's interesting to see the imagery and stuff that CS Lewis uses to show how so many people are disqualified from heaven(and God) because mainly of their self absorption.

so, thanks jem for lending me this book!