unknown to many, i AM satisfied with my results. I didn't ask for much, but i asked to at least practice. and so my mid term exams were a nightmare. i had a C+ for both exams, and i was wondering whether i was actually cut out for this course in the first place. I need a minimum GPA of 3.0 to practice. and so i met bezae in a very troubled state of mind. he analyzed how my C+ was not that big a deal, since the paper was only 25%, and i would be missing out on a grand total of 3 marks in the final tabulation.
but more importantly, he brought me to Matthew 6.33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Then he brought me to 1 real life example after another. How Fu Khai(president of SMUCF) serves in Church, as a Cell group leader, meets up with the full time ministry staff, barely has any time for himself, and still ends up on the dean's list. How he also did nearly the same thing(because he's the vice president), and ends up with sufficient for himself.
He told me to put God first. Which i tried my very best. and now i thank God for what He has provided me with.
but digging deeper will reveal a few other things.
Firstly, whether putting God first is the means to getting what i want(i like to use this phrase a lot: means to an end. watch out for it guys!) I'd think that a simple dissection of that sentence would logically come to the conclusion that putting God first is NOT what i ultimately desire. and so things'll probably go south from there. I've started to ponder about the passage from matthew 10:39, which says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
I initially thought that it was about martyrdom and stuff, and that it would never apply to me. But the application suddenly becomes a lot clearer, and a lot broader: that accepting Christ as my lord is exactly how it sounds; that i follow Him, pick up my cross, instead of doing it my way(Frank Sinatra, anyone?), and getting crossed with my cross.
The challenge, therefore, is ensuring that putting God first, serving God, sacrificing for God, and all those churchy stuff(ok maybe not churchy) is done because and simply because i love God and not myself.
The second was whether i could accept what God would give me. I remember VERY clearly during my A' level results, i was perturbed by my results. Not just that i knew that i did not deserve it, but whether i could still thank God so whole-heartedly if i had received less. ok obviously i most likely would have not. but in relation to this semester, i was wondering what if God did not intend for me to graduate with a GPA above 3.0. i mean, i honestly started preparing in case things went south. i.e, comforting myself that i had 7 more semesters to pull my GPA up, thinking of changing to Business with a major in marketing(because marketing seems really fun!) or even Social Sciences. There very obviously was the TRUTH that God provides. but my issue was whether God's provision was the same as what i thought He would provide, and whether i could bring myself to accept it if it was different from what i had thought. all the cliches came, y'know. stuff like 'if He can bring you to it, He'll bring you through it', basically the same stuff that you see on the panicky smses that people send around because the A or O levels are around the corner and they conveniently become a Christian for that short period. ok i'm being mean here, i am. I think in the end i would come to accept God's way. but i would very much rather accept it sooner than later.
It's hard when you don't know God's specific ways. especially when the Bible does not say that Tan Chao Yuan is gonna be a brilliant lawyer or just a very handsome BMA graduate. and it gets really ridiculous when you start announcing that your way is God's way simply because you have FAITH. believe me, i've heard stuff like that before. suffice to say, the poor dude did not make it into NUS medicine, did not end up skipping the most of his army, will not be getting his officer rank as a medical officer, but is instead, unfortunately, not studying in the 3 recognized universities. thankfully he did not quit christianity.
as an ending, this is where the cheap shot answer to the questions come. ready for it? here goes:
this is where faith comes in, my boy.
and it's not false. this IS where faith comes in. but not faith that things are gonna go your way. Faith that things are gonna go God's way. and faith that God will supply what you need. faith that God will supply the courage and ability to thank Him for what he supplies.
It's not easy, it's hard as heck. But the good news is that we(Christians) don't have a choice; this is the only way if we want to continue with this road.
I thank God for what He provided. and I hope that when what He provides is harder to thank Him for, i will thank Him as much as i thank Him now. I hope you will, too.
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