While you're there

day 3 and i thought i'd be fine

but guess who's wrong again this time

plus i feel like a cockle for not asking you when

you'd be returning, so this feeling will end

enckrip't

not healthy to hold eating in

best eyes can do, encrypt and degrammarize

maybe i'm the left

or it could be yew or perms

or just yew

the things unsaid are

the things unheard

fingers scrabble at them flimsy pebbles

but on Christ the solid rock i stand

i wish i was better

feeling better

being better

so now it's time

to listen more

and listen harder

sorry guys. it's not healthy, and this could be an ebenezer.

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?





i used to love this song. and songs like this (although i'd say this one has more depth)
but honestly i'd say this song is undeniable.
a credited speaker (Denesh from SMU CF) was saying that emotionality differs from people to people.
so i'd take that to mean that we should not fault people for jumping up and down in a charismatic church (although i'd prob steer clear from them because they'd prob be stinky. and probably arms and legs flailing about while they're jumping)
neither should we fault people for looking like statues when they sing hymns in a traditional service.
But rather, we should let their walk do the talking.

it's no lie that christians tend to be judgmental. It's ironic. the more focused (on churchy stuff) i become, the more accusing i become. It was like that in JC. it got worse after YFC. it remained that bad in the army. and hopefully now it's not so bad. but there's a difference between love and apathy.

so i wonder if i'll become how i was like in JC. on hindsight, while it was a frivolous and naive phase, i don't think the 'garang' spirit was any wrong.

so hopefully somehow it comes back

take everything

and leave me empty, full of You

i've seen enough emptiness

to know what's enough

so take everything and take all

once again, be everything and be all

hmmm i'm imagining another me standing in front of myself and asking 'what do you want?'

and after a few stunned seconds of wondering how good looking i am,

i say,

'i want to want God.'

i don't think i can honestly say that I want God. such moments are few and far in between. And i realize that the flesh still wages war. Though the new Man is supposed to be very much alive and kicking, at times it feels like the new Man is committing guerilla warfare.

it's not like before, where what counted the most was 'feeling God's presence'.

I think i'm happy just to know that i could praise God with utter sincerity and earnesty.

I wonder whether something's missing now, or if something was missing back then

God provides right?

I met up with Bezae yesterday morning for breakfast. by the way, my favourite meal to have with a person is officially BREAKFAST. on the condition that there is a lot of available time after that. But yes, if you're wondering what kind of a funny name 'Bezae' is, it's nowhere near as funny as the actual person is. Or his brother's name, which is Iranaeus. but anyway, I remember that one of the highlights of the meetup was when i told him i had achieved my measly GPA of 3.09, and he replied, almost smugly: 'see, God provides right? God provides right?'

unknown to many, i AM satisfied with my results. I didn't ask for much, but i asked to at least practice. and so my mid term exams were a nightmare. i had a C+ for both exams, and i was wondering whether i was actually cut out for this course in the first place. I need a minimum GPA of 3.0 to practice. and so i met bezae in a very troubled state of mind. he analyzed how my C+ was not that big a deal, since the paper was only 25%, and i would be missing out on a grand total of 3 marks in the final tabulation.

but more importantly, he brought me to Matthew 6.33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Then he brought me to 1 real life example after another. How Fu Khai(president of SMUCF) serves in Church, as a Cell group leader, meets up with the full time ministry staff, barely has any time for himself, and still ends up on the dean's list. How he also did nearly the same thing(because he's the vice president), and ends up with sufficient for himself.

He told me to put God first. Which i tried my very best. and now i thank God for what He has provided me with.

but digging deeper will reveal a few other things.

Firstly, whether putting God first is the means to getting what i want(i like to use this phrase a lot: means to an end. watch out for it guys!) I'd think that a simple dissection of that sentence would logically come to the conclusion that putting God first is NOT what i ultimately desire. and so things'll probably go south from there. I've started to ponder about the passage from matthew 10:39, which says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

I initially thought that it was about martyrdom and stuff, and that it would never apply to me. But the application suddenly becomes a lot clearer, and a lot broader: that accepting Christ as my lord is exactly how it sounds; that i follow Him, pick up my cross, instead of doing it my way(Frank Sinatra, anyone?), and getting crossed with my cross.

The challenge, therefore, is ensuring that putting God first, serving God, sacrificing for God, and all those churchy stuff(ok maybe not churchy) is done because and simply because i love God and not myself.

The second was whether i could accept what God would give me. I remember VERY clearly during my A' level results, i was perturbed by my results. Not just that i knew that i did not deserve it, but whether i could still thank God so whole-heartedly if i had received less. ok obviously i most likely would have not. but in relation to this semester, i was wondering what if God did not intend for me to graduate with a GPA above 3.0. i mean, i honestly started preparing in case things went south. i.e, comforting myself that i had 7 more semesters to pull my GPA up, thinking of changing to Business with a major in marketing(because marketing seems really fun!) or even Social Sciences. There very obviously was the TRUTH that God provides. but my issue was whether God's provision was the same as what i thought He would provide, and whether i could bring myself to accept it if it was different from what i had thought. all the cliches came, y'know. stuff like 'if He can bring you to it, He'll bring you through it', basically the same stuff that you see on the panicky smses that people send around because the A or O levels are around the corner and they conveniently become a Christian for that short period. ok i'm being mean here, i am. I think in the end i would come to accept God's way. but i would very much rather accept it sooner than later.

It's hard when you don't know God's specific ways. especially when the Bible does not say that Tan Chao Yuan is gonna be a brilliant lawyer or just a very handsome BMA graduate. and it gets really ridiculous when you start announcing that your way is God's way simply because you have FAITH. believe me, i've heard stuff like that before. suffice to say, the poor dude did not make it into NUS medicine, did not end up skipping the most of his army, will not be getting his officer rank as a medical officer, but is instead, unfortunately, not studying in the 3 recognized universities. thankfully he did not quit christianity.

as an ending, this is where the cheap shot answer to the questions come. ready for it? here goes:

this is where faith comes in, my boy.

and it's not false. this IS where faith comes in. but not faith that things are gonna go your way. Faith that things are gonna go God's way. and faith that God will supply what you need. faith that God will supply the courage and ability to thank Him for what he supplies.

It's not easy, it's hard as heck. But the good news is that we(Christians) don't have a choice; this is the only way if we want to continue with this road.

I thank God for what He provided. and I hope that when what He provides is harder to thank Him for, i will thank Him as much as i thank Him now. I hope you will, too.

as yourself

And he said to him, "You shall love your the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets"

OK i've failed. miserably. It's easy to love those who are easy to love (pretty, nice, hot, sexy, cute, funny when they're clumsy, and i'm going on a bit too much here but MOVING ON...) but when certain people pop into the picture, this commandment ends up as a back breaking burden.

Suffice to say i've been shocked at how some people can behave. I used to want to never grow up. Thankfully that wish never came true. I mean, imagine acting like a 12 year old at your age now.

I had a hard time at the YF camp. i know i'm supposed to take things easily. but looking back 2 years, i had a group that helped me out in that area then.

now that i'm done complaining(hopefully it was subtle. i definitely did not go into any details), the worry is about myself.

God gives strength to the weak. and God knows i've been weakened(feel free to haha at this. I entered the camp in my usual garang 'welcome to the best group' mode, and left the camp thinking 'IT IS FINISHED'). Without intending to be self-centred, i question whether i have acted in God's will. Brennan Manning(my favourite christian writer still) always says that God expects you to fail a lot more than you expect yourself to. I don't know if i have even managed to act within God's expectations. ok actually, i have, because He's God. but the point is that i wonder if i have acted like a Reasonable Man(CRINGE, ALL YOU LAW STUDENTS! CRINGE AND WINCE!) would under such unreasonable(YES I THINK IT'S UNREASONABLE. OFFICIALLY, I DO!) circumstances. I'd imagine that the unreasonable man would lose all reason and self control under such grave and accumulated provocation.

Jesus says to love my neighbour as myself. and it seems to suggest that it is to be independent of how my neighbour acts or behaves. Lucky Jesus died for me.