i'm wondering me; and pondering us

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

not now seeing

but thinking of stars

how far they are

how high they seem

how cheap we've made ourselves

for You to redeem

we were scarlet in sin

now we're white as snow

sacred blood, so carelessly spilled

so aimlessly wondering, amidst its flow

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

was it all worth it,

when You got Your scars

Yours is no place for a mind

a heart for numbers; profit and gain

Yours is a mystery

unwritable, untamable

who are You, and who am i?

but show me yourself, before anything else

show me yourself, and i'll have nothing else

have i told You before

how much i need You, 

how much i want to want You?

yes i have, a thousand times over

and still, i repeat that prayer

which reaches further than stars

words are words, and i'll be me

while i wait for You

to release me from my skin

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

but now, no need for that

when i'm here, with the First and the Last

the crossroad is a memory away

and now the journey is the only way

would i lose it to refind it

lose it to refine it

sometimes it stings;

the knowledge that 

at the end of the day

i'm still clay

there to be made nothing

when i figure i've became something

to form teetering shapes 

tottering towers

Holy water-holding vases

for thirsty, pained faces

we're hardened, but we're breakable

we go through fires, fire after fire

when it all ends, who can, who will say

if i'm what i hoped to be, on that distant day

would I lose you, to find the real You

lose me, to refine the aged me

or are things what they seem to be

but blurred through wide awake eyes

don't let me lose You

but let me release me

let me find myself

in You

You can have all this world, but give me Jesus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tsEvV5REww

another amazing video of Brooke Fraser. yeah yeah, here i go again. this one is her doing a cover of Fernando Ortega(who's that?!)'s song, and then followed by Faithful(my most most most favourite song off Albertine)

my pessimistic soliloquy is overdue.

somewhere on the other side of the world, a so-called Christian is getting laid. and then on this side of the world, a similar confessor is having a similar experience.

and perhaps one third around the world, a Christian in Africa is facing a test of faith. at gunpoint.

on the same continent, the people starving to death are a lot more than the hairs on your head. your families' head, even.

in 3 different places at once, sons and daughters are denying their heavenly Father because of temporary things they see and feel. circumstances meant for their own good. 

6 hours ago, a potential believer had his chances erased when he saw a believer in cavorting in sin. and enjoying it.

someone just died of starvation.

3 people in Africa just got infected with AIDS.

and there's not a single thing any of us did about it. 

we'd probably forget about all these next week.

it sucks to know someone is really suffering, and all you do about it is sit on your ass.

Tony Campolo once said, "some of you don't give a shit about poverty in the world. And some of you are more offended that i just said 'shit' than by the fact there are more children dying of starvation in Africa."

I know, we're supposed to pray. and pray about it. 

but honestly, doesn't anyone find it a bit idealistic? 

but i guess i'm called to be a fool. so that some smart alecs out there would be put to immense shame. 

so after i've finished writing this, i'm going to pray. and perhaps someone out there would live to suffer another day.

and with that put aside, i've got my own winding road to travel. Lord knows how many potholes are waiting out there for me to sprain my ankle in. brambles and thistles, do your worst. i'm gonna meet the Gardener.

now, if you can, please pray a seemingly futile prayer for someone in africa. somewhere a kid has forgotten to smile. he hasn't smiled, and he'd rather spend the energy worrying about where the next scrap of food will come. his bloated stomach is an ironic stark contrast to his limbs. but it's bloated because he's starving, not because he's full. your futile prayer may help him remember how to smile one day.

in the neighbouring country, a 3 year old girl has just been raped because of a stupid and ridiculous myth that AIDS can be cured by having sex with a virgin. so that 3 year old girl will probably not live beyond the age of 14. all because of a stupid myth. 

who wants this world? give me Jesus.

Lord, we can't hear their cries. we may have felt their gastric pangs once in a while, but not as often as they do. we can't hear them but You do. and You hear our prayers too. Hear our prayers. Please. 

Tim and Jem, you guys KNOW you're jealous!

oh yeah you 2 guys know you're so jealous of me

so anyway, i just came back from a Tommy Emmanuel concert with Tim and Jem. and it was so  amazing. 

and the beautiful thing is, i met this beautiful caucasian girl with a lip stud, and she talked to us, but SPECIFICALLY TO ME. 

and she used a horrible pick up line! she asked 'excuse me, do you know where to get an afro wig?'

i mean, come on, can you believe someone would actually use such a random and horrible pickup line? and did i mention i'm totally nuts about pretty caucasian girls who have lip piercings, are shorter than me, and use totally random and horrible pickup lines? 

oh yeah i'm NUTS about them.

and so now tim and jem are sick with envy that she talked to ME. ME! and tim had to steal the attention away from me by telling her where to find afro wigs while i was soaking in the amazing moment where i've finally met my soul mate.

ah nothing like a little distortion of the truth. but hey, boys, please don't be jealous of me. man i really should have offered to BRING her to the party store or whatever. 

so, i guess the last gig of the year is over. and it was so amazing. 

i'm starting to realise that there seems to be no way i can ever lock any memories of gigs and replay them in my head. but i think the beauty of it is fleeting. and it's pretty amazing. sadly, i think i've only been to 2 official gigs, both of them this year and in this semester. but hey, it's Joe Satriani's fault for refusing to put on a show here. 

anyway, back to fleeting beauty. if i may roughly quote and summarize C.S Lewis and Donald Miller, one ironic constant of our human life is change. although C.S Lewis says that we fluctuate around a heavenbound path , while Donald Miller says that the beauty of change is to see how much we have changed once we have returned from a journey while others remain the same. ok i'm not quoting the exactly what they said, and i suspect i'm manipulating their words a little bit so i could get to my point. but what i'm trying to say is, hmmm.... oh well, i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. maybe something about how we should seize the day, the moment, or maybe something about avoiding ending up in a state of denial where we find out too late that we have somehow manage to seemingly cryogenically freeze ourselves while everything else has thawed with time, and altered so much that our frozen state is obsolete, and our best attempt is nothing more than a futile struggle.

but i'd say the best thing is to um, ignore that whole paragraph. i need some sleep. 

so tim and jem, stop being so jealous of me. SHE CHOSE ME. LIVE WITH IT MUAHAHAHAHA

 like my eggs done over easy and flour tortillas

10:43

one girl i know actually said she might be interested in you

43:41

lols

43:50

cos she said she likes big heads and ear piercings

43:51

hahahahah

thanks alot jem. 

anyway, here's a really cool video about an incredibly incredible and poisonous(venomous?) underwater

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHnm4I4RBMo

well let's just put aside all the evolution and creationism theories and differences, and let's all just agree that such animals deserve more dignity than just being evidence for people's theories. (HOWEVER, I SUPPORT CREATIONISM!)

sometimes i really wonder if it's possible that i remove all lines between christians and non-christians. and let friendship be friendship. no ulterior motives, like wanting to convert everything that moves to christianity.

and then i realise, regardless of public or private opinion, that wanting my friends to become christian is really concern, and sadly at times a legalistic responsibility that i have.

and then there's an issue that most non-christians(and quite a number of christians) act in ways that i cannot reconcile or ignore. at the risk of sounding self righteous and holier-than-thou, to do so seems nothing more than a betrayal of myself, of what i stand for and who i live for.

it's not so much a question of tolerance. but i see it as an issue of acknowledging who i am, of understanding the shape i have been moulded into, of how hard it was to be moulded into that shape. 

so i'll have to find a way to get my big head and ear piercings around this. 

I like the way you look

those papered memories we took

a minute, a second from the giggles

we could never hope to stifle

now we're the past, and the past is broken

yes, we're broken, and it's still unspoken

we're the future, we're apart

we're the desires of our heart

it's a crying shame; that stupid game

i took the bait; now there're only losers

the seams are undone, it seems

it teems with unbridled arbitrary unlicensed hope

it's barely bound by fraying tattered rope

i'm running, i'm hiding

from you, myself, from everything

tell me your name, i fear of you

we haven't met; i already know you

i've seen you in black and white

moving pictures, at high temperatures

i spoke to you before, my friend of uncharted future

you just didn't hear, you never strained an ear

give me your self, and i'll give you mine

we could be beautiful, i can divine

never apart, at worst a part

of a One, a palpitating heart.

we're one plus one, and still we're One

or maybe we are halves, with wedges and nooks

crannies and crooks

all along waiting; all along aching

to fit and fill, relieve and fulfill

myself, yourself and us

to write an unwritten book

then unwrite the written book

that others, mortal and now dust

have painstakingly written, 

and left for replication

no, my dear, let's not be taken

we'll write a classic, an epic storybook!

we'll be divine, we'll learn to fly

we'll make our homes up in the sky

we're no Icarus, we'll never collide

with the earth, it's unbreakable hide

*here's a rather light hearted version*

we'll be divine, we'll be so fly

we'll even do our business in the sky

poor fools who're down to earth

when they find out what hit them, they'll be unnerved!

we could be beautiful, we could be divine

my friend from uncharted future, you left me for Time

we're apart now, but soon we'll be a part

of a One, a One beating heart

just tell me your name, show me your face

step through time, then we can keep in pace

I don't know you, but I don't know me too

we'll start on the same page, and write us through

Paul Washer

ok so a few months ago i was on duty and i was checking out this site www.godtube.com. so there was this preacher called Paul Washer, there was a video of him preaching at a Youth Group. here's one of the links, http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=c1d1e567eb773a4b288d.

so anyway, what he basically does, is he goes to a youth group, and lets them know how they've gone wrong.

'i'll preach as a dying man. to dying men. and women. and youth. and i'll preach as though i will never preach again. and i will tell you things that you will misunderstand, and i will tell you things that will make you so angry with me. and i will tell you things that you will deny. and i will tell you things and you will say i have no right to tell you what i'm telling you.'

and he's not wrong man. 

he lambasts them over and over and over again about their anti nominism, and what's frightening is that i wonder whether the message is for me too. he talks about American christianity, and one of his controversial quotes

"The greatest heresy in the American evangelical and Protestant church is that if you pray and ask Jesus Christ to come into your heart, He will definitely come in."

from there he talks about how salvation is by faith and faith alone in Jesus, which is preceeded and followed by repentance, a desire not to be like the world, not to be like the great majority of christians, not to be like britney spears, but to be like Jesus Christ. so the audience starts clapping, amening.

and then he says, "I don't know why you're clapping. I'm talking about you. I didn't come here to get amens. i didn't come here to be applauded. I'm talking about you."

as much as i love Donald Miller's writing, i'd say Paul Washer preceeds him should we talk about truth. simply because he used scripture. and it's sobering. and rather shocking.