God provides right?

I met up with Bezae yesterday morning for breakfast. by the way, my favourite meal to have with a person is officially BREAKFAST. on the condition that there is a lot of available time after that. But yes, if you're wondering what kind of a funny name 'Bezae' is, it's nowhere near as funny as the actual person is. Or his brother's name, which is Iranaeus. but anyway, I remember that one of the highlights of the meetup was when i told him i had achieved my measly GPA of 3.09, and he replied, almost smugly: 'see, God provides right? God provides right?'

unknown to many, i AM satisfied with my results. I didn't ask for much, but i asked to at least practice. and so my mid term exams were a nightmare. i had a C+ for both exams, and i was wondering whether i was actually cut out for this course in the first place. I need a minimum GPA of 3.0 to practice. and so i met bezae in a very troubled state of mind. he analyzed how my C+ was not that big a deal, since the paper was only 25%, and i would be missing out on a grand total of 3 marks in the final tabulation.

but more importantly, he brought me to Matthew 6.33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Then he brought me to 1 real life example after another. How Fu Khai(president of SMUCF) serves in Church, as a Cell group leader, meets up with the full time ministry staff, barely has any time for himself, and still ends up on the dean's list. How he also did nearly the same thing(because he's the vice president), and ends up with sufficient for himself.

He told me to put God first. Which i tried my very best. and now i thank God for what He has provided me with.

but digging deeper will reveal a few other things.

Firstly, whether putting God first is the means to getting what i want(i like to use this phrase a lot: means to an end. watch out for it guys!) I'd think that a simple dissection of that sentence would logically come to the conclusion that putting God first is NOT what i ultimately desire. and so things'll probably go south from there. I've started to ponder about the passage from matthew 10:39, which says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

I initially thought that it was about martyrdom and stuff, and that it would never apply to me. But the application suddenly becomes a lot clearer, and a lot broader: that accepting Christ as my lord is exactly how it sounds; that i follow Him, pick up my cross, instead of doing it my way(Frank Sinatra, anyone?), and getting crossed with my cross.

The challenge, therefore, is ensuring that putting God first, serving God, sacrificing for God, and all those churchy stuff(ok maybe not churchy) is done because and simply because i love God and not myself.

The second was whether i could accept what God would give me. I remember VERY clearly during my A' level results, i was perturbed by my results. Not just that i knew that i did not deserve it, but whether i could still thank God so whole-heartedly if i had received less. ok obviously i most likely would have not. but in relation to this semester, i was wondering what if God did not intend for me to graduate with a GPA above 3.0. i mean, i honestly started preparing in case things went south. i.e, comforting myself that i had 7 more semesters to pull my GPA up, thinking of changing to Business with a major in marketing(because marketing seems really fun!) or even Social Sciences. There very obviously was the TRUTH that God provides. but my issue was whether God's provision was the same as what i thought He would provide, and whether i could bring myself to accept it if it was different from what i had thought. all the cliches came, y'know. stuff like 'if He can bring you to it, He'll bring you through it', basically the same stuff that you see on the panicky smses that people send around because the A or O levels are around the corner and they conveniently become a Christian for that short period. ok i'm being mean here, i am. I think in the end i would come to accept God's way. but i would very much rather accept it sooner than later.

It's hard when you don't know God's specific ways. especially when the Bible does not say that Tan Chao Yuan is gonna be a brilliant lawyer or just a very handsome BMA graduate. and it gets really ridiculous when you start announcing that your way is God's way simply because you have FAITH. believe me, i've heard stuff like that before. suffice to say, the poor dude did not make it into NUS medicine, did not end up skipping the most of his army, will not be getting his officer rank as a medical officer, but is instead, unfortunately, not studying in the 3 recognized universities. thankfully he did not quit christianity.

as an ending, this is where the cheap shot answer to the questions come. ready for it? here goes:

this is where faith comes in, my boy.

and it's not false. this IS where faith comes in. but not faith that things are gonna go your way. Faith that things are gonna go God's way. and faith that God will supply what you need. faith that God will supply the courage and ability to thank Him for what he supplies.

It's not easy, it's hard as heck. But the good news is that we(Christians) don't have a choice; this is the only way if we want to continue with this road.

I thank God for what He provided. and I hope that when what He provides is harder to thank Him for, i will thank Him as much as i thank Him now. I hope you will, too.

as yourself

And he said to him, "You shall love your the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets"

OK i've failed. miserably. It's easy to love those who are easy to love (pretty, nice, hot, sexy, cute, funny when they're clumsy, and i'm going on a bit too much here but MOVING ON...) but when certain people pop into the picture, this commandment ends up as a back breaking burden.

Suffice to say i've been shocked at how some people can behave. I used to want to never grow up. Thankfully that wish never came true. I mean, imagine acting like a 12 year old at your age now.

I had a hard time at the YF camp. i know i'm supposed to take things easily. but looking back 2 years, i had a group that helped me out in that area then.

now that i'm done complaining(hopefully it was subtle. i definitely did not go into any details), the worry is about myself.

God gives strength to the weak. and God knows i've been weakened(feel free to haha at this. I entered the camp in my usual garang 'welcome to the best group' mode, and left the camp thinking 'IT IS FINISHED'). Without intending to be self-centred, i question whether i have acted in God's will. Brennan Manning(my favourite christian writer still) always says that God expects you to fail a lot more than you expect yourself to. I don't know if i have even managed to act within God's expectations. ok actually, i have, because He's God. but the point is that i wonder if i have acted like a Reasonable Man(CRINGE, ALL YOU LAW STUDENTS! CRINGE AND WINCE!) would under such unreasonable(YES I THINK IT'S UNREASONABLE. OFFICIALLY, I DO!) circumstances. I'd imagine that the unreasonable man would lose all reason and self control under such grave and accumulated provocation.

Jesus says to love my neighbour as myself. and it seems to suggest that it is to be independent of how my neighbour acts or behaves. Lucky Jesus died for me.

hi guys and girls, i just had a modified gospel preached to me on my way back to school. this was pretty much an attack on my beliefs and theology, and i thank God for putting me in SMU Christian Fellowship to ground me in His Word.

the culprit is known as the Church of God. the guy preaching to me was from korea, and essentially he was preaching about God the Mother. Don't laugh. it was scary because he tried to back it up with the Bible. so i hope each and every one of us knows

1. God

2. The authentic Gospel

3. The Word of God.

he quoted from Revelations, about a new Jerusalem being the Mother, and another portion about the Spirit and the bride. i questioned him about trinity but he went back to the spirit and the bride again. He even used my favourite verse (Matthew 7: 21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father hwo is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!")

he was trying to get to the point that the church today is headed to hell, because we do not know the proper God, which includes God the mother.

suffice to say, I came to the conclusion that all he was saying is pure and utter bull.

1. Salvation is by faith alone, and faith in Jesus Christ
2. God's fullness is revealed in Jesus Christ, and the fullness of God dwelled in Jesus Christ
3. Jesus Christ is the Word, and to know God is to know the Word

anyone trying to take out or add to the Gospel is blaspheming. I'm using such strong words here because i realise the urgency to know God's Word well. this is, very obviously, a sign of a false teacher, a false gospel.

by the way, they also added that we need to partake of the Passover to escape God's judgement and His plagues in the end times, because the passover will cause the seal of God to be on our foreheads, which is also mentioned in Revelations. they quoted Jesus saying that we have to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and that at the last supper, he said take, eat, this is my flesh and so on. i'm sure you know where to find it.

I believe, what Jesus meant by eating His flesh and drinking His blood was that we are supposed to live by God's Word. This is congruent with when the bible says that man shall not live by bread alone, but by the Word of God. the Gospel of John says that in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word is Jesus Christ.

guys and girls, please remember to read your bible and to be sure of the gospel. i'm grateful that God saved me from straying.

ok the emo post is way overdue, and things are settling down.

well to be exact, i'm settling down, learning how to read cases, and learning how not to panic when more and more work pours in.

but uh, learnt the hard way that reasonable people are social creatures.

so, in a ministry context, ENCOURAGEMENT IS GOOD FOR ONE ANOTHER. and to think that i used to pride myself in not looking for compliments or praise.

well, i'd like to claim that i don't. but the truth is that it really will be nice to have a pat on the back once in a while, and not get a horrible feeling after giving up the saturday evenings half the time, waking up before reasonable people would on half the sunday mornings, carrying amplifiers(i'm ORD personnel now).

ok basically what happened was someone said something(unintentionally, probably) that cut quite a bit. i probably have an egg shell skull now, after all the incessant service and studying.

i know the part 1 of last sunday's message was: WE SERVE GOD.

but hey, the WE constitutes a very human we.

er, did i say the emo post was overdue? well, take this as a healthy outlet.

and thanks rachael :)

if only it'd ache

it's pretty shameful, how i've manage to sort of relegate my qt and stuff.

it's great that i've managed to shift it to the morning, but i guess even a spiritual thing like qt would be affected by my inability to think clearly within a couple of hours from waking up.

and so, it's silent now.

no awe, no wonder, no amazement.

just, trudging on. it's another one of those times.

it's disgusting, really, how i can easily forget my Saviour in light of material, immediate and tangible(or even intangible) things. and what makes it even worse is how i always end up dismissing my lack of desire(for God) within 10 minutes.

thank God for His grace and mercy; new every morning.

i want to yearn, to ache for God. but i can't. and i know, the usual disclaimer, feelings aside, blah blah blah. but, i want my heart and flesh to cry out. i have tasted and seen, and now i want it all over again.

what could be wrong with that?

an unfortunately enjoyable time

i had a really really great 2 weeks(those responsible for it, feel free to own up on my tagboard, i promise not to deny it if you played a part) and i'm feeling kind of guilty because of that.

JUST found out that a particular friend of mine is in a precarious position. and i'm sort of feeling ashamed because while he was having a horrible time, i was out having a great time. although, in total candor, i'm not really concerned for him and i would rather tai chi the responsibility of caring and whatever to others, i'm feeling the guilt now.

at which point, i'd really like to voice out my admiration for ANOTHER friend, who's shown how much of a friend he is.

and now i'm starting to realize how much i'm lacking in love, despite how much i say others should be more loving.

today's a humbling day.

exerpts from The Great Divorce by CS Lewis

ok, 1 reason i've been eager to get my hands on this book is because it is one of BROOKE FRASER'S favourite books. don't blame me if i find her lyrics beautifully poetic all the time.

so, this book is about a chap who boards a bus and goes to heaven and hell.

ok, down to the quotes

'That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering. "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven." and the Lost, "We were always in Hell/" And both will speak truly.'

'There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God. "Thy will be done," and those to whom God say,. in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who knock it is opened.'

this book is rather short, so i think this is all that's significant from this book. it's interesting to see the imagery and stuff that CS Lewis uses to show how so many people are disqualified from heaven(and God) because mainly of their self absorption.

so, thanks jem for lending me this book!