I've been waiting

i think i need to hear Someone or someone
say something that i've been needing to hear
and i don't know what it is, exactly
but i figure i'll know when i hear it.

*warning: truckload of depression ahead*

I suppose putting God first is far more than regularly going for church and cell
and serving.
and refraining from spewing vulgarities
and being a good boy.
I could be the whitewashed tomb that Paul accused the pharisees of being.
But i've come to realize, time and time again, and painfully
that i am but naught
the difference now is that i can't seem to move on from there
i can't. i just can't.
i cannot hear, i cannot see
but i can feel that something is wrong.
i want to run away and i want to be chased after
I want to be wanted, and I want to want
i want to be accepted unconditionally, and at the same time i feel like disowning myself, if i could
i want to sing and dance, but there's no music in the background.
i really want someone around right now.
but really, there's nobody. there really isn't.
i'd like to sit down with someone and say no more than nothing, for an hour
and know that even if it was an hour more of silence, he or she would still be there
i wish somebody could see the look in my eyes, because i think it shows
or hear the emptiness of my words
i think i am hollow.
and there is
nobody

as of now

but I suppose God will come
He always does
He always will

i just wish i could go to Him

5 minutes ago, i said
"if anyone says the words i'm longing to hear,
i'll be his or her best friend"
i remember my best friend leaving 7 years ago
and now he's different, and so am I
against all my promises, and all my guarantees, we have changed
and again and again, we change
maybe it would be nice if we made a 360 degree change
and find ourselves back to where we once were
but i suppose we will not.

so i'll have to strap on my smile
and rehearse my laughter
because i suppose it would be wrong
to burden my friends when they have done nothing.
they have done nothing.

time machine

i think it's time to say goodbye to old friends who could have been friends

i wish i could undo whatever i've done that has ended this way

part of me wants to say 'ha! look here, i've made it'

and part of me wishes i could just say hi in a vacuum

but maybe one day we will meet and laugh

and smile and let the past be

the past

By the way if you haven't noticed, the lines get shorter and shorter. makes me think of some stupid finance graph thingy.

i wonder what it means

to live for others

to think others better than yourself

it makes me think that you retain some notion of your self;

that life does not have to pass by in a blur

that time does not have to be a tyrant

i miss getting goosebumps from hearing 1 riff

i want to feel the sea again, and the oblivion to the breakers and surf

I want to pray, for hours on end, and the foot of my bed

i used to do these things, but now i can't

living is for others now, and my name is just 3 words

i wish i could make all this go away, or just go away myself

but i can't

because i cannot be selfish

i cannot have a day to myself

and i'm afraid i may

lose sight of what truly matters.

after this, i am going to tell wawa that i love her

Came across this. please read it. and maybe someday something will happen and all this will stop.

"Yes, I Gas Dogs and Cats for a Living. I'm an Animal Control officer in a very small town in central North Carolina. I'm in my mid thirties, and have been working for the town in different positions since high school.

There is not much work here, and working for the county provides good pay and benefits for a person like me without a higher education. I'm the person you all write about how horrible I am.

I'm the one that gasses the dogs and cats and makes them suffer. I'm the one that pulls their dead corpses out smelling of Carbon Monoxide and throws them into green plastic bags. But I'm also the one that hates my job and hates what I have to do.

First off, all you people out there that judge me, don't. God is judging me, and I know I'm going to Hell. Yes, I'm going to hell. I wont lie, it's despicable, cold, cruel and I feel like a serial killer. I'm not all to blame, if the law would mandate spay and neuter, lots of these dogs and cats wouldn't be here for me to gas. I'm the devil, I know it, but I want you people to see that there is another side to me the devil Gas Chamber man.

The shelter usually gasses on Friday morning.

Friday's are the day that most people look forward to, this is the day that I hate, and wish that time will stand still on Thursday night. Thursday night, late, after nobody's around, my friend and I go through a fast food line, and buy 50 dollars worth of cheeseburgers and fries, and chicken. I'm not allowed to feed the dogs on Thursday, for I'm told that they will make a mess in the gas chamber, and why waste the food.

So, Thursday night, with the lights still closed, I go into the saddest room that anyone can every imagine, and let all the doomed dogs out out their cages.

I have never been bit, and in all my years doing this, the dogs have never fought over the food. My buddy and I, open each wrapper of cheeseburger and chicken sandwich, and feed them to the skinny, starving dogs.

They swallow the food so fast, that I don't believe they even taste it. There tails are wagging, and some don't even go for the food, they roll on their backs wanting a scratch on their bellys. They start running, jumping and kissing me and my buddy. They go back to their food, and come back to us. All their eyes are on us with such trust and hope, and their tails wag so fast, that I have come out with black and blues on my thighs.. They devour the food, then it's time for them to devour some love and peace. My buddy and I sit down on the dirty, pee stained concrete floor, and we let the dogs jump on us. They lick us, they put their butts in the air to play, and they play with each other. Some lick each other, but most are glued on me and my buddy.

I look into the eyes of each dog. I give each dog a name.

They will not die without a name.

I give each dog 5 minutes of unconditional love and touch.

I talk to them, and tell them that I'm so sorry that tomorrow they will die a gruesome, long, torturous death at the hands of me in the gas chamber.

Some tilt their heads to try to understand.

I tell them, that they will be in a better place, and I beg them not to hate me.

I tell them that I know I'm going to hell, but they will all be playing with all the dogs and cats in heaven.

After about 30 minutes, I take each dog individually, into their feces filled concrete jail cell, and pet them and scratch them under their chins. Some give me their paw, and I just want to die. I just want to die. I close the jail cell on each dog, and ask them to forgive me. As my buddy and I are walking out, we watch as every dog is smiling at us and them don't even move their heads. They will sleep, with a full belly, and a false sense of security.

As we walk out of the doomed dog room, my buddy and I go to the cat room.

We take our box, and put the very friendly kittens and pregnant cats in our box. The shelter doesn't keep tabs on the cats, like they do the dogs.

As I hand pick which cats are going to make it out, I feel like I'm playing God, deciding whose going to live and die.

We take the cats into my truck, and put them on blankets in the back.

Usually, as soon as we start to drive away, there are purring cats sitting on our necks or rubbing against us.

My buddy and I take our one way two hour trip to a county that is very wealthy and they use injection to kill animals.

We go to exclusive neighborhoods, and let one or two cats out at a time.

They don't want to run, they want to stay with us. We shoo them away, which makes me feel sad.

I tell them that these rich people will adopt them, and if worse comes to worse and they do get put down, they will be put down with a painless needle being cradled by a loving veterinarian. After the last cat is free, we drive back to our town.

It's about 5 in the morning now, about two hours until I have to gas my best friends.

I go home, take a shower, take my 4 anti-anxiety pills and drive to work.. I don't eat, I can't eat. It's now time, to put these animals in the gas chamber. I put my ear plugs in, and when I go to the collect the dogs, the dogs are so excited to see me, that they jump up to kiss me and think they are going to play.

I put them in the rolling cage and take them to the gas chamber. They know. They just know. They can smell the death.. They can smell the fear. They start whimpering, the second I put them in the box. The boss tells me to squeeze in as many as I can to save on gas. He watches. He knows I hate him, he knows I hate my job. I do as I'm told. He watches until all the dogs, and cats (thrown in together) are fighting and screaming. The sounds is very muffled to me because of my ear plugs. He walks out, I turn the gas on, and walk out.

I walk out as fast as I can. I walk into the bathroom, and I take a pin and draw blood from my hand. Why? The pain and blood takes my brain off of what I just did.

In 40 minutes, I have to go back and unload the dead animals. I pray that none survived, which happens when I overstuff the chamber. I pull them out with thick gloves, and the smell of carbon monoxide makes me sick. So does the vomit and blood, and all the bowel movements. I pull them out, put them in plastic bags.

They are in heaven now, I tell myself. I then start cleaning up the mess, the mess, that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not spay or neutering your animals. The mess that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not demanding that a vet come in and do this humanely. You ARE THE TAXPAYERS, DEMAND that this practice STOP!

So, don't call me the monster, the devil, the gasser, call the politicians, the shelter directors, and the county people the devil. Heck, call the governor, tell him to make it stop.

As usual, I will take sleeping pills tonight to drown out the screams I heard in the past, before I discovered the ear plugs. I will jump and twitch in my sleep, and I believe I'm starting to hallucinate.

This is my life. Don't judge me. Believe me, I judge myself enough."

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

i wander

came back from a dive trip and i got to see stuff that i never saw before, even in the rather hopeless Tioman (yes, i think that once paradise island is sadly quite a gone case, thanks to pollution, commercialism, and basically the idiotic human race)

so now i'm wondering what about me gets so happy seeing a turtle. I saw 2. there's definitely a lot of other stuff that would look way cooler than a turtle (like the nurse shark i saw) but it's really something bout turtles that just gets me. i managed to touch 1 too! yeah i'm part of the idiotic human race, not supposed to molest any turtles. but anyway, i stroked it's shell and rubbed it's foot and it didn't even give a crap about me. i think that's what i like so much about them. the way they go about their stuff, looking for food, despite the fact that there are monsters 5 times the size of them (monsters = us divers), despite the fact that their environment is pretty much like shit, they still seem to be in their own world, oblivious to what's going on around them.

talk about a good analogy for faith huh

now i'm thinking it's kinda sad.

i see other divers who have been doing it for years and decades, and i guess they're probably in love with the sea.

with the denizens of the sea, with the wonder and mystery of the sea, but despite all these they probably might never realise any truth about the Creator of the sea.

and i daresay if they knew there was a Creator who single-handedly designed all the wonderful intricacies, the myriad of colours and menagerie of mysteries that are contained underwater

i daresay they'd fall at His feet, and worship Him, without even hearing about the love Jesus.

for old times' sake

'I had been working on a play called Polaroids that year. It was the story of one man's life from birth to death, each scene delivered through a monologue with other actors silently acting out parts behind the narrator as he walks the audience through his life journey. In the scene I had written a few nights before, I had the man fighting with his wife. They were experiencing unbearable tension after losing a son in a car accident the year before. I knew in my heart they were not going to make it, that Polaroids would include a painful divorce that showed the ugliness of separation. But I changed my mind. After talking with Paul I couldn't do it. I wondered what it would look like to have the couple stick it out. I got up and turned on my computer. I had the lead character in my play walk into the bedroom where his wife was sleeping. I had him kneel down by her and whisper some lines:


What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours?

What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that i used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should i show you who I am, we may crumble.

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

old stuff dragged out to the sunlight

Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men’s faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all.

i wonder if this shows as a video... hmmm

ok most prob not

In Christ Alone lyrics

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

While you're there

day 3 and i thought i'd be fine

but guess who's wrong again this time

plus i feel like a cockle for not asking you when

you'd be returning, so this feeling will end

enckrip't

not healthy to hold eating in

best eyes can do, encrypt and degrammarize

maybe i'm the left

or it could be yew or perms

or just yew

the things unsaid are

the things unheard

fingers scrabble at them flimsy pebbles

but on Christ the solid rock i stand

i wish i was better

feeling better

being better

so now it's time

to listen more

and listen harder

sorry guys. it's not healthy, and this could be an ebenezer.

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?





i used to love this song. and songs like this (although i'd say this one has more depth)
but honestly i'd say this song is undeniable.
a credited speaker (Denesh from SMU CF) was saying that emotionality differs from people to people.
so i'd take that to mean that we should not fault people for jumping up and down in a charismatic church (although i'd prob steer clear from them because they'd prob be stinky. and probably arms and legs flailing about while they're jumping)
neither should we fault people for looking like statues when they sing hymns in a traditional service.
But rather, we should let their walk do the talking.

it's no lie that christians tend to be judgmental. It's ironic. the more focused (on churchy stuff) i become, the more accusing i become. It was like that in JC. it got worse after YFC. it remained that bad in the army. and hopefully now it's not so bad. but there's a difference between love and apathy.

so i wonder if i'll become how i was like in JC. on hindsight, while it was a frivolous and naive phase, i don't think the 'garang' spirit was any wrong.

so hopefully somehow it comes back

take everything

and leave me empty, full of You

i've seen enough emptiness

to know what's enough

so take everything and take all

once again, be everything and be all

hmmm i'm imagining another me standing in front of myself and asking 'what do you want?'

and after a few stunned seconds of wondering how good looking i am,

i say,

'i want to want God.'

i don't think i can honestly say that I want God. such moments are few and far in between. And i realize that the flesh still wages war. Though the new Man is supposed to be very much alive and kicking, at times it feels like the new Man is committing guerilla warfare.

it's not like before, where what counted the most was 'feeling God's presence'.

I think i'm happy just to know that i could praise God with utter sincerity and earnesty.

I wonder whether something's missing now, or if something was missing back then

God provides right?

I met up with Bezae yesterday morning for breakfast. by the way, my favourite meal to have with a person is officially BREAKFAST. on the condition that there is a lot of available time after that. But yes, if you're wondering what kind of a funny name 'Bezae' is, it's nowhere near as funny as the actual person is. Or his brother's name, which is Iranaeus. but anyway, I remember that one of the highlights of the meetup was when i told him i had achieved my measly GPA of 3.09, and he replied, almost smugly: 'see, God provides right? God provides right?'

unknown to many, i AM satisfied with my results. I didn't ask for much, but i asked to at least practice. and so my mid term exams were a nightmare. i had a C+ for both exams, and i was wondering whether i was actually cut out for this course in the first place. I need a minimum GPA of 3.0 to practice. and so i met bezae in a very troubled state of mind. he analyzed how my C+ was not that big a deal, since the paper was only 25%, and i would be missing out on a grand total of 3 marks in the final tabulation.

but more importantly, he brought me to Matthew 6.33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Then he brought me to 1 real life example after another. How Fu Khai(president of SMUCF) serves in Church, as a Cell group leader, meets up with the full time ministry staff, barely has any time for himself, and still ends up on the dean's list. How he also did nearly the same thing(because he's the vice president), and ends up with sufficient for himself.

He told me to put God first. Which i tried my very best. and now i thank God for what He has provided me with.

but digging deeper will reveal a few other things.

Firstly, whether putting God first is the means to getting what i want(i like to use this phrase a lot: means to an end. watch out for it guys!) I'd think that a simple dissection of that sentence would logically come to the conclusion that putting God first is NOT what i ultimately desire. and so things'll probably go south from there. I've started to ponder about the passage from matthew 10:39, which says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

I initially thought that it was about martyrdom and stuff, and that it would never apply to me. But the application suddenly becomes a lot clearer, and a lot broader: that accepting Christ as my lord is exactly how it sounds; that i follow Him, pick up my cross, instead of doing it my way(Frank Sinatra, anyone?), and getting crossed with my cross.

The challenge, therefore, is ensuring that putting God first, serving God, sacrificing for God, and all those churchy stuff(ok maybe not churchy) is done because and simply because i love God and not myself.

The second was whether i could accept what God would give me. I remember VERY clearly during my A' level results, i was perturbed by my results. Not just that i knew that i did not deserve it, but whether i could still thank God so whole-heartedly if i had received less. ok obviously i most likely would have not. but in relation to this semester, i was wondering what if God did not intend for me to graduate with a GPA above 3.0. i mean, i honestly started preparing in case things went south. i.e, comforting myself that i had 7 more semesters to pull my GPA up, thinking of changing to Business with a major in marketing(because marketing seems really fun!) or even Social Sciences. There very obviously was the TRUTH that God provides. but my issue was whether God's provision was the same as what i thought He would provide, and whether i could bring myself to accept it if it was different from what i had thought. all the cliches came, y'know. stuff like 'if He can bring you to it, He'll bring you through it', basically the same stuff that you see on the panicky smses that people send around because the A or O levels are around the corner and they conveniently become a Christian for that short period. ok i'm being mean here, i am. I think in the end i would come to accept God's way. but i would very much rather accept it sooner than later.

It's hard when you don't know God's specific ways. especially when the Bible does not say that Tan Chao Yuan is gonna be a brilliant lawyer or just a very handsome BMA graduate. and it gets really ridiculous when you start announcing that your way is God's way simply because you have FAITH. believe me, i've heard stuff like that before. suffice to say, the poor dude did not make it into NUS medicine, did not end up skipping the most of his army, will not be getting his officer rank as a medical officer, but is instead, unfortunately, not studying in the 3 recognized universities. thankfully he did not quit christianity.

as an ending, this is where the cheap shot answer to the questions come. ready for it? here goes:

this is where faith comes in, my boy.

and it's not false. this IS where faith comes in. but not faith that things are gonna go your way. Faith that things are gonna go God's way. and faith that God will supply what you need. faith that God will supply the courage and ability to thank Him for what he supplies.

It's not easy, it's hard as heck. But the good news is that we(Christians) don't have a choice; this is the only way if we want to continue with this road.

I thank God for what He provided. and I hope that when what He provides is harder to thank Him for, i will thank Him as much as i thank Him now. I hope you will, too.

as yourself

And he said to him, "You shall love your the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets"

OK i've failed. miserably. It's easy to love those who are easy to love (pretty, nice, hot, sexy, cute, funny when they're clumsy, and i'm going on a bit too much here but MOVING ON...) but when certain people pop into the picture, this commandment ends up as a back breaking burden.

Suffice to say i've been shocked at how some people can behave. I used to want to never grow up. Thankfully that wish never came true. I mean, imagine acting like a 12 year old at your age now.

I had a hard time at the YF camp. i know i'm supposed to take things easily. but looking back 2 years, i had a group that helped me out in that area then.

now that i'm done complaining(hopefully it was subtle. i definitely did not go into any details), the worry is about myself.

God gives strength to the weak. and God knows i've been weakened(feel free to haha at this. I entered the camp in my usual garang 'welcome to the best group' mode, and left the camp thinking 'IT IS FINISHED'). Without intending to be self-centred, i question whether i have acted in God's will. Brennan Manning(my favourite christian writer still) always says that God expects you to fail a lot more than you expect yourself to. I don't know if i have even managed to act within God's expectations. ok actually, i have, because He's God. but the point is that i wonder if i have acted like a Reasonable Man(CRINGE, ALL YOU LAW STUDENTS! CRINGE AND WINCE!) would under such unreasonable(YES I THINK IT'S UNREASONABLE. OFFICIALLY, I DO!) circumstances. I'd imagine that the unreasonable man would lose all reason and self control under such grave and accumulated provocation.

Jesus says to love my neighbour as myself. and it seems to suggest that it is to be independent of how my neighbour acts or behaves. Lucky Jesus died for me.

hi guys and girls, i just had a modified gospel preached to me on my way back to school. this was pretty much an attack on my beliefs and theology, and i thank God for putting me in SMU Christian Fellowship to ground me in His Word.

the culprit is known as the Church of God. the guy preaching to me was from korea, and essentially he was preaching about God the Mother. Don't laugh. it was scary because he tried to back it up with the Bible. so i hope each and every one of us knows

1. God

2. The authentic Gospel

3. The Word of God.

he quoted from Revelations, about a new Jerusalem being the Mother, and another portion about the Spirit and the bride. i questioned him about trinity but he went back to the spirit and the bride again. He even used my favourite verse (Matthew 7: 21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father hwo is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!")

he was trying to get to the point that the church today is headed to hell, because we do not know the proper God, which includes God the mother.

suffice to say, I came to the conclusion that all he was saying is pure and utter bull.

1. Salvation is by faith alone, and faith in Jesus Christ
2. God's fullness is revealed in Jesus Christ, and the fullness of God dwelled in Jesus Christ
3. Jesus Christ is the Word, and to know God is to know the Word

anyone trying to take out or add to the Gospel is blaspheming. I'm using such strong words here because i realise the urgency to know God's Word well. this is, very obviously, a sign of a false teacher, a false gospel.

by the way, they also added that we need to partake of the Passover to escape God's judgement and His plagues in the end times, because the passover will cause the seal of God to be on our foreheads, which is also mentioned in Revelations. they quoted Jesus saying that we have to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and that at the last supper, he said take, eat, this is my flesh and so on. i'm sure you know where to find it.

I believe, what Jesus meant by eating His flesh and drinking His blood was that we are supposed to live by God's Word. This is congruent with when the bible says that man shall not live by bread alone, but by the Word of God. the Gospel of John says that in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word is Jesus Christ.

guys and girls, please remember to read your bible and to be sure of the gospel. i'm grateful that God saved me from straying.

ok the emo post is way overdue, and things are settling down.

well to be exact, i'm settling down, learning how to read cases, and learning how not to panic when more and more work pours in.

but uh, learnt the hard way that reasonable people are social creatures.

so, in a ministry context, ENCOURAGEMENT IS GOOD FOR ONE ANOTHER. and to think that i used to pride myself in not looking for compliments or praise.

well, i'd like to claim that i don't. but the truth is that it really will be nice to have a pat on the back once in a while, and not get a horrible feeling after giving up the saturday evenings half the time, waking up before reasonable people would on half the sunday mornings, carrying amplifiers(i'm ORD personnel now).

ok basically what happened was someone said something(unintentionally, probably) that cut quite a bit. i probably have an egg shell skull now, after all the incessant service and studying.

i know the part 1 of last sunday's message was: WE SERVE GOD.

but hey, the WE constitutes a very human we.

er, did i say the emo post was overdue? well, take this as a healthy outlet.

and thanks rachael :)

if only it'd ache

it's pretty shameful, how i've manage to sort of relegate my qt and stuff.

it's great that i've managed to shift it to the morning, but i guess even a spiritual thing like qt would be affected by my inability to think clearly within a couple of hours from waking up.

and so, it's silent now.

no awe, no wonder, no amazement.

just, trudging on. it's another one of those times.

it's disgusting, really, how i can easily forget my Saviour in light of material, immediate and tangible(or even intangible) things. and what makes it even worse is how i always end up dismissing my lack of desire(for God) within 10 minutes.

thank God for His grace and mercy; new every morning.

i want to yearn, to ache for God. but i can't. and i know, the usual disclaimer, feelings aside, blah blah blah. but, i want my heart and flesh to cry out. i have tasted and seen, and now i want it all over again.

what could be wrong with that?

an unfortunately enjoyable time

i had a really really great 2 weeks(those responsible for it, feel free to own up on my tagboard, i promise not to deny it if you played a part) and i'm feeling kind of guilty because of that.

JUST found out that a particular friend of mine is in a precarious position. and i'm sort of feeling ashamed because while he was having a horrible time, i was out having a great time. although, in total candor, i'm not really concerned for him and i would rather tai chi the responsibility of caring and whatever to others, i'm feeling the guilt now.

at which point, i'd really like to voice out my admiration for ANOTHER friend, who's shown how much of a friend he is.

and now i'm starting to realize how much i'm lacking in love, despite how much i say others should be more loving.

today's a humbling day.