Even squids have schools

I've been waiting

2011-05-03T17:28:00.003+08:00

i think i need to hear Someone or someone
say something that i've been needing to hear
and i don't know what it is, exactly
but i figure i'll know when i hear it.

*warning: truckload of depression ahead*

I suppose putting God first is far more than regularly going for church and cell
and serving.
and refraining from spewing vulgarities
and being a good boy.
I could be the whitewashed tomb that Paul accused the pharisees of being.
But i've come to realize, time and time again, and painfully
that i am but naught
the difference now is that i can't seem to move on from there
i can't. i just can't.
i cannot hear, i cannot see
but i can feel that something is wrong.
i want to run away and i want to be chased after
I want to be wanted, and I want to want
i want to be accepted unconditionally, and at the same time i feel like disowning myself, if i could
i want to sing and dance, but there's no music in the background.
i really want someone around right now.
but really, there's nobody. there really isn't.
i'd like to sit down with someone and say no more than nothing, for an hour
and know that even if it was an hour more of silence, he or she would still be there
i wish somebody could see the look in my eyes, because i think it shows
or hear the emptiness of my words
i think i am hollow.
and there is
nobody

as of now

but I suppose God will come
He always does
He always will

i just wish i could go to Him

5 minutes ago, i said
"if anyone says the words i'm longing to hear,
i'll be his or her best friend"
i remember my best friend leaving 7 years ago
and now he's different, and so am I
against all my promises, and all my guarantees, we have changed
and again and again, we change
maybe it would be nice if we made a 360 degree change
and find ourselves back to where we once were
but i suppose we will not.

so i'll have to strap on my smile
and rehearse my laughter
because i suppose it would be wrong
to burden my friends when they have done nothing.
they have done nothing.

time machine

2011-02-21T18:56:00.002+08:00

i think it's time to say goodbye to old friends who could have been friends

i wish i could undo whatever i've done that has ended this way

part of me wants to say 'ha! look here, i've made it'

and part of me wishes i could just say hi in a vacuum

but maybe one day we will meet and laugh

and smile and let the past be

the past

By the way if you haven't noticed, the lines get shorter and shorter. makes me think of some stupid finance graph thingy.

i wonder what it means

2010-09-14T09:53:00.002+08:00

to live for others

to think others better than yourself

it makes me think that you retain some notion of your self;

that life does not have to pass by in a blur

that time does not have to be a tyrant

i miss getting goosebumps from hearing 1 riff

i want to feel the sea again, and the oblivion to the breakers and surf

I want to pray, for hours on end, and the foot of my bed

i used to do these things, but now i can't

living is for others now, and my name is just 3 words

i wish i could make all this go away, or just go away myself

but i can't

because i cannot be selfish

i cannot have a day to myself

and i'm afraid i may

lose sight of what truly matters.

after this, i am going to tell wawa that i love her

2010-08-29T04:23:00.002+08:00

Came across this. please read it. and maybe someday something will happen and all this will stop.

"Yes, I Gas Dogs and Cats for a Living. I'm an Animal Control officer in a very small town in central North Carolina. I'm in my mid thirties, and have been working for the town in different positions since high school.
There is not much work here, and working for the county provides good pay and benefits for a person like me without a higher education. I'm the person you all write about how horrible I am.
I'm the one that gasses the dogs and cats and makes them suffer. I'm the one that pulls their dead corpses out smelling of Carbon Monoxide and throws them into green plastic bags. But I'm also the one that hates my job and hates what I have to do.
First off, all you people out there that judge me, don't. God is judging me, and I know I'm going to Hell. Yes, I'm going to hell. I wont lie, it's despicable, cold, cruel and I feel like a serial killer. I'm not all to blame, if the law would mandate spay and neuter, lots of these dogs and cats wouldn't be here for me to gas. I'm the devil, I know it, but I want you people to see that there is another side to me the devil Gas Chamber man.
The shelter usually gasses on Friday morning.
Friday's are the day that most people look forward to, this is the day that I hate, and wish that time will stand still on Thursday night. Thursday night, late, after nobody's around, my friend and I go through a fast food line, and buy 50 dollars worth of cheeseburgers and fries, and chicken. I'm not allowed to feed the dogs on Thursday, for I'm told that they will make a mess in the gas chamber, and why waste the food.
So, Thursday night, with the lights still closed, I go into the saddest room that anyone can every imagine, and let all the doomed dogs out out their cages.

I have never been bit, and in all my years doing this, the dogs have never fought over the food. My buddy and I, open each wrapper of cheeseburger and chicken sandwich, and feed them to the skinny, starving dogs.

They swallow the food so fast, that I don't believe they even taste it. There tails are wagging, and some don't even go for the food, they roll on their backs wanting a scratch on their bellys. They start running, jumping and kissing me and my buddy. They go back to their food, and come back to us. All their eyes are on us with such trust and hope, and their tails wag so fast, that I have come out with black and blues on my thighs.. They devour the food, then it's time for them to devour some love and peace. My buddy and I sit down on the dirty, pee stained concrete floor, and we let the dogs jump on us. They lick us, they put their butts in the air to play, and they play with each other. Some lick each other, but most are glued on me and my buddy.
I look into the eyes of each dog. I give each dog a name.
They will not die without a name.
I give each dog 5 minutes of unconditional love and touch.
I talk to them, and tell them that I'm so sorry that tomorrow they will die a gruesome, long, torturous death at the hands of me in the gas chamber.
Some tilt their heads to try to understand.
I tell them, that they will be in a better place, and I beg them not to hate me.
I tell them that I know I'm going to hell, but they will all be playing with all the dogs and cats in heaven.
After about 30 minutes, I take each dog individually, into their feces filled concrete jail cell, and pet them and scratch them under their chins. Some give me their paw, and I just want to die. I just want to die. I close the jail cell on each dog, and ask them to forgive me. As my buddy and I are walking out, we watch as every dog is smiling at us and them don't even move their heads. They will sleep, with a full belly, and a false sense of security.
As we walk out of the doomed dog room, my buddy and I go to the cat room.
We take our box, and put the very friendly kittens and pregnant cats in our box. The shelter doesn't keep tabs on the cats, like they do the dogs.
As I hand pick which cats are going to make it out, I feel like I'm playing God, deciding whose going to live and die.
We take the cats into my truck, and put them on blankets in the back.
Usually, as soon as we start to drive away, there are purring cats sitting on our necks or rubbing against us.
My buddy and I take our one way two hour trip to a county that is very wealthy and they use injection to kill animals.
We go to exclusive neighborhoods, and let one or two cats out at a time.
They don't want to run, they want to stay with us. We shoo them away, which makes me feel sad.
I tell them that these rich people will adopt them, and if worse comes to worse and they do get put down, they will be put down with a painless needle being cradled by a loving veterinarian. After the last cat is free, we drive back to our town.
It's about 5 in the morning now, about two hours until I have to gas my best friends.
I go home, take a shower, take my 4 anti-anxiety pills and drive to work.. I don't eat, I can't eat. It's now time, to put these animals in the gas chamber. I put my ear plugs in, and when I go to the collect the dogs, the dogs are so excited to see me, that they jump up to kiss me and think they are going to play.
I put them in the rolling cage and take them to the gas chamber. They know. They just know. They can smell the death.. They can smell the fear. They start whimpering, the second I put them in the box. The boss tells me to squeeze in as many as I can to save on gas. He watches. He knows I hate him, he knows I hate my job. I do as I'm told. He watches until all the dogs, and cats (thrown in together) are fighting and screaming. The sounds is very muffled to me because of my ear plugs. He walks out, I turn the gas on, and walk out.
I walk out as fast as I can. I walk into the bathroom, and I take a pin and draw blood from my hand. Why? The pain and blood takes my brain off of what I just did.
In 40 minutes, I have to go back and unload the dead animals. I pray that none survived, which happens when I overstuff the chamber. I pull them out with thick gloves, and the smell of carbon monoxide makes me sick. So does the vomit and blood, and all the bowel movements. I pull them out, put them in plastic bags.
They are in heaven now, I tell myself. I then start cleaning up the mess, the mess, that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not spay or neutering your animals. The mess that YOU PEOPLE are creating by not demanding that a vet come in and do this humanely. You ARE THE TAXPAYERS, DEMAND that this practice STOP!
So, don't call me the monster, the devil, the gasser, call the politicians, the shelter directors, and the county people the devil. Heck, call the governor, tell him to make it stop.
As usual, I will take sleeping pills tonight to drown out the screams I heard in the past, before I discovered the ear plugs. I will jump and twitch in my sleep, and I believe I'm starting to hallucinate.
This is my life. Don't judge me. Believe me, I judge myself enough."

2010-07-19T02:46:00.001+08:00

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

i wander

2010-07-05T11:36:00.002+08:00

came back from a dive trip and i got to see stuff that i never saw before, even in the rather hopeless Tioman (yes, i think that once paradise island is sadly quite a gone case, thanks to pollution, commercialism, and basically the idiotic human race)

so now i'm wondering what about me gets so happy seeing a turtle. I saw 2. there's definitely a lot of other stuff that would look way cooler than a turtle (like the nurse shark i saw) but it's really something bout turtles that just gets me. i managed to touch 1 too! yeah i'm part of the idiotic human race, not supposed to molest any turtles. but anyway, i stroked it's shell and rubbed it's foot and it didn't even give a crap about me. i think that's what i like so much about them. the way they go about their stuff, looking for food, despite the fact that there are monsters 5 times the size of them (monsters = us divers), despite the fact that their environment is pretty much like shit, they still seem to be in their own world, oblivious to what's going on around them.

talk about a good analogy for faith huh

now i'm thinking it's kinda sad.

i see other divers who have been doing it for years and decades, and i guess they're probably in love with the sea.

with the denizens of the sea, with the wonder and mystery of the sea, but despite all these they probably might never realise any truth about the Creator of the sea.

and i daresay if they knew there was a Creator who single-handedly designed all the wonderful intricacies, the myriad of colours and menagerie of mysteries that are contained underwater

i daresay they'd fall at His feet, and worship Him, without even hearing about the love Jesus.

for old times' sake

2010-06-06T00:15:00.001+08:00

'I had been working on a play called Polaroids that year. It was the story of one man's life from birth to death, each scene delivered through a monologue with other actors silently acting out parts behind the narrator as he walks the audience through his life journey. In the scene I had written a few nights before, I had the man fighting with his wife. They were experiencing unbearable tension after losing a son in a car accident the year before. I knew in my heart they were not going to make it, that Polaroids would include a painful divorce that showed the ugliness of separation. But I changed my mind. After talking with Paul I couldn't do it. I wondered what it would look like to have the couple stick it out. I got up and turned on my computer. I had the lead character in my play walk into the bedroom where his wife was sleeping. I had him kneel down by her and whisper some lines:

What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours?

What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that i used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should i show you who I am, we may crumble.

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

old stuff dragged out to the sunlight

2010-05-26T01:37:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men’s faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all.

2010-05-22T00:56:00.001+08:00

i wonder if this shows as a video... hmmm

ok most prob not

In Christ Alone lyrics

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

While you're there

2010-04-28T02:13:00.002+08:00

day 3 and i thought i'd be fine

but guess who's wrong again this time

plus i feel like a cockle for not asking you when

you'd be returning, so this feeling will end

enckrip't

2010-03-28T00:42:00.003+08:00

not healthy to hold eating in

best eyes can do, encrypt and degrammarize

maybe i'm the left

or it could be yew or perms

or just yew

the things unsaid are

the things unheard

fingers scrabble at them flimsy pebbles

but on Christ the solid rock i stand

i wish i was better

feeling better

being better

so now it's time

to listen more

and listen harder

sorry guys. it's not healthy, and this could be an ebenezer.

2010-03-24T03:09:00.002+08:00

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?

i used to love this song. and songs like this (although i'd say this one has more depth)
but honestly i'd say this song is undeniable.
a credited speaker (Denesh from SMU CF) was saying that emotionality differs from people to people.
so i'd take that to mean that we should not fault people for jumping up and down in a charismatic church (although i'd prob steer clear from them because they'd prob be stinky. and probably arms and legs flailing about while they're jumping)
neither should we fault people for looking like statues when they sing hymns in a traditional service.
But rather, we should let their walk do the talking.

it's no lie that christians tend to be judgmental. It's ironic. the more focused (on churchy stuff) i become, the more accusing i become. It was like that in JC. it got worse after YFC. it remained that bad in the army. and hopefully now it's not so bad. but there's a difference between love and apathy.

so i wonder if i'll become how i was like in JC. on hindsight, while it was a frivolous and naive phase, i don't think the 'garang' spirit was any wrong.

so hopefully somehow it comes back

2010-01-25T02:39:00.001+08:00

take everything

and leave me empty, full of You

i've seen enough emptiness

to know what's enough

so take everything and take all

once again, be everything and be all

2009-12-29T01:43:00.002+08:00

hmmm i'm imagining another me standing in front of myself and asking 'what do you want?'

and after a few stunned seconds of wondering how good looking i am,

i say,

'i want to want God.'

i don't think i can honestly say that I want God. such moments are few and far in between. And i realize that the flesh still wages war. Though the new Man is supposed to be very much alive and kicking, at times it feels like the new Man is committing guerilla warfare.

it's not like before, where what counted the most was 'feeling God's presence'.

I think i'm happy just to know that i could praise God with utter sincerity and earnesty.

I wonder whether something's missing now, or if something was missing back then

God provides right?

2009-12-18T00:17:00.002+08:00

I met up with Bezae yesterday morning for breakfast. by the way, my favourite meal to have with a person is officially BREAKFAST. on the condition that there is a lot of available time after that. But yes, if you're wondering what kind of a funny name 'Bezae' is, it's nowhere near as funny as the actual person is. Or his brother's name, which is Iranaeus. but anyway, I remember that one of the highlights of the meetup was when i told him i had achieved my measly GPA of 3.09, and he replied, almost smugly: 'see, God provides right? God provides right?'

unknown to many, i AM satisfied with my results. I didn't ask for much, but i asked to at least practice. and so my mid term exams were a nightmare. i had a C+ for both exams, and i was wondering whether i was actually cut out for this course in the first place. I need a minimum GPA of 3.0 to practice. and so i met bezae in a very troubled state of mind. he analyzed how my C+ was not that big a deal, since the paper was only 25%, and i would be missing out on a grand total of 3 marks in the final tabulation.

but more importantly, he brought me to Matthew 6.33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Then he brought me to 1 real life example after another. How Fu Khai(president of SMUCF) serves in Church, as a Cell group leader, meets up with the full time ministry staff, barely has any time for himself, and still ends up on the dean's list. How he also did nearly the same thing(because he's the vice president), and ends up with sufficient for himself.

He told me to put God first. Which i tried my very best. and now i thank God for what He has provided me with.

but digging deeper will reveal a few other things.

Firstly, whether putting God first is the means to getting what i want(i like to use this phrase a lot: means to an end. watch out for it guys!) I'd think that a simple dissection of that sentence would logically come to the conclusion that putting God first is NOT what i ultimately desire. and so things'll probably go south from there. I've started to ponder about the passage from matthew 10:39, which says "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

I initially thought that it was about martyrdom and stuff, and that it would never apply to me. But the application suddenly becomes a lot clearer, and a lot broader: that accepting Christ as my lord is exactly how it sounds; that i follow Him, pick up my cross, instead of doing it my way(Frank Sinatra, anyone?), and getting crossed with my cross.

The challenge, therefore, is ensuring that putting God first, serving God, sacrificing for God, and all those churchy stuff(ok maybe not churchy) is done because and simply because i love God and not myself.

The second was whether i could accept what God would give me. I remember VERY clearly during my A' level results, i was perturbed by my results. Not just that i knew that i did not deserve it, but whether i could still thank God so whole-heartedly if i had received less. ok obviously i most likely would have not. but in relation to this semester, i was wondering what if God did not intend for me to graduate with a GPA above 3.0. i mean, i honestly started preparing in case things went south. i.e, comforting myself that i had 7 more semesters to pull my GPA up, thinking of changing to Business with a major in marketing(because marketing seems really fun!) or even Social Sciences. There very obviously was the TRUTH that God provides. but my issue was whether God's provision was the same as what i thought He would provide, and whether i could bring myself to accept it if it was different from what i had thought. all the cliches came, y'know. stuff like 'if He can bring you to it, He'll bring you through it', basically the same stuff that you see on the panicky smses that people send around because the A or O levels are around the corner and they conveniently become a Christian for that short period. ok i'm being mean here, i am. I think in the end i would come to accept God's way. but i would very much rather accept it sooner than later.

It's hard when you don't know God's specific ways. especially when the Bible does not say that Tan Chao Yuan is gonna be a brilliant lawyer or just a very handsome BMA graduate. and it gets really ridiculous when you start announcing that your way is God's way simply because you have FAITH. believe me, i've heard stuff like that before. suffice to say, the poor dude did not make it into NUS medicine, did not end up skipping the most of his army, will not be getting his officer rank as a medical officer, but is instead, unfortunately, not studying in the 3 recognized universities. thankfully he did not quit christianity.

as an ending, this is where the cheap shot answer to the questions come. ready for it? here goes:

this is where faith comes in, my boy.

and it's not false. this IS where faith comes in. but not faith that things are gonna go your way. Faith that things are gonna go God's way. and faith that God will supply what you need. faith that God will supply the courage and ability to thank Him for what he supplies.

It's not easy, it's hard as heck. But the good news is that we(Christians) don't have a choice; this is the only way if we want to continue with this road.

I thank God for what He provided. and I hope that when what He provides is harder to thank Him for, i will thank Him as much as i thank Him now. I hope you will, too.

as yourself

2009-12-15T12:41:00.002+08:00

And he said to him, "You shall love your the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets"

OK i've failed. miserably. It's easy to love those who are easy to love (pretty, nice, hot, sexy, cute, funny when they're clumsy, and i'm going on a bit too much here but MOVING ON...) but when certain people pop into the picture, this commandment ends up as a back breaking burden.

Suffice to say i've been shocked at how some people can behave. I used to want to never grow up. Thankfully that wish never came true. I mean, imagine acting like a 12 year old at your age now.

I had a hard time at the YF camp. i know i'm supposed to take things easily. but looking back 2 years, i had a group that helped me out in that area then.

now that i'm done complaining(hopefully it was subtle. i definitely did not go into any details), the worry is about myself.

God gives strength to the weak. and God knows i've been weakened(feel free to haha at this. I entered the camp in my usual garang 'welcome to the best group' mode, and left the camp thinking 'IT IS FINISHED'). Without intending to be self-centred, i question whether i have acted in God's will. Brennan Manning(my favourite christian writer still) always says that God expects you to fail a lot more than you expect yourself to. I don't know if i have even managed to act within God's expectations. ok actually, i have, because He's God. but the point is that i wonder if i have acted like a Reasonable Man(CRINGE, ALL YOU LAW STUDENTS! CRINGE AND WINCE!) would under such unreasonable(YES I THINK IT'S UNREASONABLE. OFFICIALLY, I DO!) circumstances. I'd imagine that the unreasonable man would lose all reason and self control under such grave and accumulated provocation.

Jesus says to love my neighbour as myself. and it seems to suggest that it is to be independent of how my neighbour acts or behaves. Lucky Jesus died for me.

2009-10-06T23:40:00.001+08:00

hi guys and girls, i just had a modified gospel preached to me on my way back to school. this was pretty much an attack on my beliefs and theology, and i thank God for putting me in SMU Christian Fellowship to ground me in His Word.

the culprit is known as the Church of God. the guy preaching to me was from korea, and essentially he was preaching about God the Mother. Don't laugh. it was scary because he tried to back it up with the Bible. so i hope each and every one of us knows

1. God

2. The authentic Gospel

3. The Word of God.

he quoted from Revelations, about a new Jerusalem being the Mother, and another portion about the Spirit and the bride. i questioned him about trinity but he went back to the spirit and the bride again. He even used my favourite verse (Matthew 7: 21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father hwo is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!")

he was trying to get to the point that the church today is headed to hell, because we do not know the proper God, which includes God the mother.

suffice to say, I came to the conclusion that all he was saying is pure and utter bull.

Salvation is by faith alone, and faith in Jesus Christ
God's fullness is revealed in Jesus Christ, and the fullness of God dwelled in Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ is the Word, and to know God is to know the Word

anyone trying to take out or add to the Gospel is blaspheming. I'm using such strong words here because i realise the urgency to know God's Word well. this is, very obviously, a sign of a false teacher, a false gospel.

by the way, they also added that we need to partake of the Passover to escape God's judgement and His plagues in the end times, because the passover will cause the seal of God to be on our foreheads, which is also mentioned in Revelations. they quoted Jesus saying that we have to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and that at the last supper, he said take, eat, this is my flesh and so on. i'm sure you know where to find it.

I believe, what Jesus meant by eating His flesh and drinking His blood was that we are supposed to live by God's Word. This is congruent with when the bible says that man shall not live by bread alone, but by the Word of God. the Gospel of John says that in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word is Jesus Christ.

guys and girls, please remember to read your bible and to be sure of the gospel. i'm grateful that God saved me from straying.

2009-09-28T23:23:00.002+08:00

ok the emo post is way overdue, and things are settling down.

well to be exact, i'm settling down, learning how to read cases, and learning how not to panic when more and more work pours in.

but uh, learnt the hard way that reasonable people are social creatures.

so, in a ministry context, ENCOURAGEMENT IS GOOD FOR ONE ANOTHER. and to think that i used to pride myself in not looking for compliments or praise.

well, i'd like to claim that i don't. but the truth is that it really will be nice to have a pat on the back once in a while, and not get a horrible feeling after giving up the saturday evenings half the time, waking up before reasonable people would on half the sunday mornings, carrying amplifiers(i'm ORD personnel now).

ok basically what happened was someone said something(unintentionally, probably) that cut quite a bit. i probably have an egg shell skull now, after all the incessant service and studying.

i know the part 1 of last sunday's message was: WE SERVE GOD.

but hey, the WE constitutes a very human we.

er, did i say the emo post was overdue? well, take this as a healthy outlet.

and thanks rachael :)

if only it'd ache

2009-08-11T00:45:00.003+08:00

it's pretty shameful, how i've manage to sort of relegate my qt and stuff.

it's great that i've managed to shift it to the morning, but i guess even a spiritual thing like qt would be affected by my inability to think clearly within a couple of hours from waking up.

and so, it's silent now.

no awe, no wonder, no amazement.

just, trudging on. it's another one of those times.

it's disgusting, really, how i can easily forget my Saviour in light of material, immediate and tangible(or even intangible) things. and what makes it even worse is how i always end up dismissing my lack of desire(for God) within 10 minutes.

thank God for His grace and mercy; new every morning.

i want to yearn, to ache for God. but i can't. and i know, the usual disclaimer, feelings aside, blah blah blah. but, i want my heart and flesh to cry out. i have tasted and seen, and now i want it all over again.

what could be wrong with that?

an unfortunately enjoyable time

2009-08-09T17:19:00.002+08:00

i had a really really great 2 weeks(those responsible for it, feel free to own up on my tagboard, i promise not to deny it if you played a part) and i'm feeling kind of guilty because of that.

JUST found out that a particular friend of mine is in a precarious position. and i'm sort of feeling ashamed because while he was having a horrible time, i was out having a great time. although, in total candor, i'm not really concerned for him and i would rather tai chi the responsibility of caring and whatever to others, i'm feeling the guilt now.

at which point, i'd really like to voice out my admiration for ANOTHER friend, who's shown how much of a friend he is.

and now i'm starting to realize how much i'm lacking in love, despite how much i say others should be more loving.

today's a humbling day.

exerpts from The Great Divorce by CS Lewis

2009-08-04T14:38:00.004+08:00

ok, 1 reason i've been eager to get my hands on this book is because it is one of BROOKE FRASER'S favourite books. don't blame me if i find her lyrics beautifully poetic all the time.

so, this book is about a chap who boards a bus and goes to heaven and hell.

ok, down to the quotes

'That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering. "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven." and the Lost, "We were always in Hell/" And both will speak truly.'

'There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God. "Thy will be done," and those to whom God say,. in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who knock it is opened.'

this book is rather short, so i think this is all that's significant from this book. it's interesting to see the imagery and stuff that CS Lewis uses to show how so many people are disqualified from heaven(and God) because mainly of their self absorption.

so, thanks jem for lending me this book!

today

2009-07-31T17:54:00.003+08:00

today is the only free day in July that has all 24 hours belonging to me. all the other days have been spent hanging out(thanks dear friends for being such great company), in school, having a beautiful japanese Fender Telecaster slung around me, or underwater.

so, after the obligated delayed wake up, i realize that i probably have to grasp the slightly-less-than-2-weeks of free days that i have. i'm currently not very sure how i'm going to spend them, but i do know that FISHING will be one of the much coveted activities, regardless of what i do or do not catch.

but most importantly, i have to figure out how i have to spend my free days for God's sake. it's funny how i don't know what i'm supposed to do after the whole 'picking up the cross' thing, which i'm not even sure i will remember to do. in fact, it's such an obscure thing, sometimes.

1 key thing i managed to take away from the campus crusade camp was another reminder of how God is not the distant cosmic manipulator i keep imagining him to be. honestly, it's hard to stop thinking of Him that way because of how people keep saying 'don't worry, God is in control' whenever my days are down the drain. so i guess we of this faith will have to keep coming back to the same things once in a while.

You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Psalms 56:8

postdive musings

2009-07-27T10:38:00.002+08:00

so,

my instructor was extremely menopausal

there were absolutely NO turtle sightings(thank YOU planetscuba for wrecking my turtle sighting streak)

there were absolutely NO pretty girls too(quite a common phenomenon, i find)

i lost a mask(my own fault and stupidity, by the way anyone wants to accompany me to get a replacement mask for planetscuba?)

the beach was a bi... ok nevermind. suffice to say, it was not a beach. it was TINY. it's just a patch of sand

the boat ride was rather seasick inducing

the stupid shower actually ran out of water at the end when everyone was rushing for a bath. imagine the misery!

all in all, the worst dive trip i have ever had. talk about getaway, i couldn't wait to get the hell away from pulau aur.

ok now on to the good stuff :

my bouyancy control is improving! cheers to that! can act pro now and hover upside down for a bit

i saw flying fish! a whole school skipping in and out of the water!

night dive is an experience everyone should try, regardless of what you do or do not manage to see. the best part was when we turned our torches off and waved our hands: the agitated bioluminescent plankton would give an irritated glow. in english, when we waved our hands, it looked like there were sparks in the water. veeryyy preeeeettyyy!

a getaway is a getaway nonetheless. managed to take a nice break from everything and just concentrate on diving

ok i got a tan. i think i sound like i'm running out of reasons here, but i did get a tan!

so, on to the more important stuff.

admittedly, i HAVE lost that sense of amazement and wonder during this dive trip. which is quite a pity, really. but i DID ponder, among other things, how ironic that God would ostensibly hide this seemingly insane myriad of colours and their combinations from our eyes, and conceal it underwater, only for a few to see.

it's rather mind boggling, that when WE are the fishes out of water(pun intended), we observe for a moment what goes on everyday ever since time began, and we end up getting blown away, marveling at its beauty.

the question on my mind was: how much more is there? how much more before i could actually disbelieve what would be before my eyes. now i start to imagine better how the israelites could not bear to behold God's glory. perhaps there ARE things that are too amazing, and too beautiful.

it's an immense pity, that people could scuba dive their whole life, and ignore the obvious fact that the very beautiful creations were handcrafted by an even more beautiful God.

i hope never to ever go back to aur again. i'll settle, at the very least, for Dayang. but i want to go back for diving now that i have my advanced open water certificate!!

For you make me glad by your deeds, O Lord;

I sing for joy at the works of your hands.

How great are your works, O Lord,

how profound your thoughts!

The senseless man does not know,

fools do not understand,

that though the wicked spring up like grass

and all evildoers flourish

they will be forever destroyed

Psalm 92: 4-7

pre-dive musings

2009-07-24T01:45:00.002+08:00

so before i go for my long awaited dive trip, i think i should just mention a couple of things

first to christine(the real one, in case the fake one is reading this), for making me look and sound so glamorous in her blog.

second, that i HOPE my handphone has been found. it's so sad that i feel a piece of myself is missing. but with that dive trip around the corner i doubt i'll be missing the handphone that much

3rd, to the awesome company today. didn't really miss my handphone with these lovely people around(own up on my tagboard if you see this!)

hopefully when i'm back i'll be able to write something arty farty dreamy creamy about diving and God! i always wanted to but could never put it in words.

mind:blank

2009-07-14T23:48:00.003+08:00

right, so there's nothing on my mind now, but i feel the urge to post something. so by hook or by crook, i'll fish out something from my head!

aha so here it is:

ok wait my mind's pretty much a blank.

aha ok

so my cousin's cousin was explaining to me, after i complained to him about the way the rich were hoarding their wealth, that the problem with AFRICA had a lot to do with their leadership.

because their resources were tangible things(diamonds, minerals), unlike singapore, which is our so-called talent, their way to success was to FIGHT for said resources. and hence, the corruption, the poor staying poor, the president suddenly getting very rich and disappearing, the CIVIL WARS.

so what does that have to do with africa being poor?

the instability of the country and its economy.

hence that rich old white man doesn't even want to set up his sweat shop in zimbabwe because it might get torn down to bits and pieces in a few months.

and the problem with that is (correct me if i'm wrong all you econs people) that once a shop gets torn down, it means that the $x it took to set up the shop is just wiped off the face of the earth. although money is being printed like mad nowadays, i guess the fact that the money disappears isn't diminished by that.

ok enough of all that rhetoric. told you i'd dig something up. just came back from a bjj class so i'm pretty much blank in my head(although some of you would propose that it's been that way all along).

so, it's time to GRAB SOME SHUTEYE. GOODNIGHT

what goes on during msn

2009-07-12T23:04:00.000+08:00

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting
eh gimme 1 more week

can get the ragamuffin gospel to you

BUT i recommend you be impatient

and borrow it from the library

11:01

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk!
haha!

11:01

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting
it's worth going all the way to national library to borrow it

11:01

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk!
library got ah

11:01

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting
but i dunno if it's there

ya have

if you're lucky it's not on loan

but it's quite an old book

11:01

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk!
i check now

11:01

chows. | Theos ein αγάπη | of things that sting
eh i tell you, i really think you will cry

11:02

Norah Johnes - No venue no talk!
ok

so far no book has made me cry

hm maybe my physics textbook

hahhaa

and the bible

what really matters

2009-07-11T23:34:00.002+08:00

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

this is like, the ultimate funeral song(such a great tune + Brooke Fraser sang it).

on a more sombre note, it started to make me contemplate all over again what really matters.

and the scary thing is that it's hard to tell when you're drifting away from God because you're(at least ME) busy enjoying and also busy enjoying being busy.

so it's a rather terrifying thought, that at the end of the road, we might find ourselves in a very different destination from where we intended to end up, all simply because we took a minor wrong turn along the way, and never bothered to turn back.

and it led us further

and further

and further away.

surely going to church isn't enough.

singing songs isn't enough

saying and doing the right things isn't enough.

desiring God seems to be the 2 magical words here.

but now i'm not sure that's enough. because somewhere along the way, we might end up getting mistaken in our pursuit.

and come on, we're human, how long can we desire God for?

surely we need to pick ourselves up once(not if) we fall.

i don't think simple words can tell anyone what's enough to stay on this straight and narrow path.

recently wilfred(a nice friend who happens to be quite tall) told me he and eunice(a nice friend who's very nice to laugh at) met with a car crash. eunice(women drivers heehee) lost control of the car and it FLIPPED OVER TWICE and landed upright. they got away with mere cuts and bruises.

and so i'm wondering what if i'm one of them, but i was not fortunate enough to escape death?

right now i can say that i'm pretty much ok with it; life is great because i have Jesus.

but oh man, it's gonna suck, to have to leave behind so many things.

what's scary is to wander away from God. and because i've friends who are away from God now, i don't dare to tilt my head back and laugh at the possibility of that thought.

so i hope that for those of you who are reading this, we WILL stay in this faith and receive that promised crown of righteousness(ok it feels weird to use such big words)

15 Aug

2009-07-05T20:52:00.002+08:00

hi, for those of you who have seen this, you are obliged to spend ten bucks on(for actually, but on sounds more loving and caring) me! my church is having a fun fair on 15th Aug. I was supposed to get dunked at first, which suddenly made the event neither fun nor fair for me, HOWEVER, SMU decided to have their convocation event on 15th Aug as well, and I, a freshman, am somehow involved in it. SO, I CANNOT GET DUNKED. GET OVER IT LADIES, NO WET T SHIRT ON ME!

however, i suspect that with some emotional blackmail and arm twisting(maybe literally) i might get forcefully dunked. but anyway, a little self glorifying is going to follow in the ensuing paragraph.

MY BAND ROCKS!

ok it's done. honestly, it does! i'm proud to say i'm the guy in my band who pulls everyone down-everyone is so good at what they do, and since we have 2 guitarists, obviously i'm lousy cos JUSTIN CHAN IS SO MUCH BETTER. but we just grabbed Nina Natasha Naidu to sing for us-missing quite a few of us, but i really honestly do think we can pull off a decent gig.

so while i'll be performing for half an hour, the rest of the band will carry on without me. do enjoy yourselves at the fun fair, and spend lots of money on ME(this money will go directly to the church rebuilding fund) so my church can grow bigger and taller and deeper(literally, but hopefulyy spiritually too).

by the way, for those of you who are from my church, my cell group, you are not exempted from buying the tickets from me too. who ask you to keep stalking me.

friend of fishes

2009-06-29T12:22:00.002+08:00

so i figure, after today's fishing trip, that i should be a fish's friend.

didn't catch a single one. nope, not one. and 1 infuriating part was when my line was tangled(a phenomenon known as char bee hoon), the fishes near me decided to say hi by giving a little splash.

i'm not kidding! i heard like, 2 or 3 splashes NEAR me, in a reservoir that was SUPPOSED TO BE DEVOID OF ANY FISHES.

apparently these fishes must have learnt something. you know how they always describe fishes to be in schools? they aren't that wrong now, because after i excitedly and accurately cast slightly in front of a ripple(a sign of a fish), that fish didn't take a chomp out of my lure.

1 word: infuriating!

but honestly, fishing at lower pierce is therapeutic. the whole scenery, the fun of casting, the solitude, as long as you remember to apply insect repellant so that the mozzies don't come and destroy your alone time.

much thanks also goes to the 3 lovely ladies(better mention them here cos at least rachael has already read this blog) for food, drinks and entertainment.

gotta go again. anyone interested, lemme know. i have an extra rod and reel!

petty man week: a review

2009-06-24T00:05:00.002+08:00

so this petty man syndrome week, ironically, has been a really great week.

because after all the horrible moods, irritating faces and everything, i really managed to see how God really IS better than all these. and to come to such a point, i realise, is painful.

was having a talk with a cute girl(muahahaha) today and somehow the talk went south(by the world's standards) and we were talking bout the second coming. but the food for thought(ironic, since we were having lunch) was that both of us like, didn't really want Christ to come yet because there were quite a number of things to do. and so i guess something's wrong with me(aside from being so good looking) because as a Christian, why am i not panging for the new heaven and earth? by the way, cute girl, feel free to tag my whatever flooble chatterbox or whatever it's called and put your name there. i've a feeling someone NOT CUTE will prob try to impersonate her.

another talk was with jem, bout how i always felt rather artificial as a church musician, especially because we always talked about how the mood was like, congregation response was like, technical skills were like, during the evaluation. er ok i still don't really like the part bout congregation, and i still feel rather unsettled that NO ONE(except maybe Joe P) ever says a sentence with the word 'God' in there. bleagh i'm in that list too. so i guess it's time for another change. but essentially, i'm quite thankful that jem brought me to the realization that as part of the band, playing good music IS part of my role as a musician, and hence the mood, the atmosphere, i feel, is an undeniable consequence of how the band plays. whether God does move in the congregation is a separate issue.

oh, so like, 3 hours ago, i applied a kimura to a 16 year old boy. heard a CRACK and my goodness, i was done sparring for that night.

COME ON MAN, YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD, HAVE A BIT OF MATURITY TO TAP OUT!

fortunately his arm was alright, or at least he said so. but my goodness, that was the worst sound i heard in a long time. and i don't intend to hear anymore of that. it's really sick.

so, once again, I thank God for the petty man syndrome. because i am glad to be where i am: at the point of realization that all things are truly rubbish in light of knowing God. i don't intend to curse any of you, but i do hope you receive your fair share of PMS weeks so that you can come and enjoy this place like i have.

Petty Man Syndrome

2009-06-22T14:27:00.004+08:00

yeah i'm having my Petty Man Syndrome(PMS) now. the funny thing is that a few years ago i might have gone all spiritual and screamed 'SPIRITUAL ATTACK! GET BEHIND ME SATAN!' and utter a series of unintelligible guttural screams and gibberish. ok i'm exaggerating. i am. but the point is that number 1: i'm prob easily irritable now and 2: it's gonna prob last for a while so 3: please be careful lest you find yourself in an armbar(if your name is Jason Quek Tee Jien maybe i'll just wave a pointy stick at you and scream curses in your face)

the good point in all these is that i managed to see how God is better.

maybe it's an irresponsible remark, considering how i'm moving away from something that should be confronted. but maybe i'm also not in the best of states to confront whatever needs to be tackled horns on.

what i AM worried about is the lack of initiative and action to act accordingly after how i have managed to arrive at this rather painful point of realisation. work is ending soon, and i can see how easy it is to be distracted because my MACBOOK AT HOME IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS CRAP IBM LAPTOP I'M USING.

so, if you will, please pray for me.
thank you.

2009-06-21T18:52:00.001+08:00

i'm starting to realise i have no problem with finding faults with people, ironically after i get to know them better. so much for love.

more C.S Lewis

2009-06-18T10:12:00.003+08:00

No doubt Pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. It removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul. If the first and lowest operation of pain shatters the illusion that all is well, the second shatters the illusion that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us. Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We 'have all we want' is a terrible saying when 'all' does not include God. We find God an interruption. As St Augustine says somewhere, 'God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full - there's nowhere for Him to put it'. Or as a friend of mine said, 'We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.' Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call 'our own life' remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interests but make 'our own life' less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible sources of false happiness? It is just here, where God's providence seems at first to be most cruel, that the Divine humility, the stooping down of the highest, most deserves praise. We are perplexed to see misfortune falling upon decent, inoffensive, worthy people - on capable, hardworking mothers of families or diligent, thrifty little trades-people, on those who have worked so hard, and so honestly, for their modest stock of happiness and now seem to be entering on the enjoyment of it with the fullest right. How can I say with sufficient tenderness what here needs to be said? It does not matter that I know I must become, in the eyes of every hostile reader, as it were, personally responsible for all the sufferings I try to explain - just as, to this day, everyone talks as if St Augustine wanted unbaptised infants to go to Hell. But it matters enormously if I alienate anyone from the truth. Let me implore the reader to try to believe, if only for the moment, that God, who made these deserving people, may really be right when He thinks that their modest prosperity and the happiness of their children are not enough to make them blessed: that all this must fall from them in the end, and that if they have not learned to know Him they will be wretched. And therefore He troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have to discover. The life to themselves and their families stand between them and the recognition of their need; He makes that life less sweet to them

The Problem of Pain, pp. 76-7

If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

'The Weight of Glory' in Screwtape proposes a Toast, pp 87-8

But the most obvious fact about praise-whether of God or anything-strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honour. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless (sometimes even if) shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it. The world rings with praise-lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favourite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game-praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious, minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least.

Reflections on the Psalms, p. 80

Brooke Fraser-The Thief

2009-06-10T15:31:00.004+08:00

Your eyes are full

full of the future of us

the air changes as you look across

at me in that wondering way

It is as if

I knew you before you spoke

do our hearts know something we don't

conspiring, converging without giving us any say

You

sing me to sleep

talk down my walls

look through my windows as I

wait

You could be the thief

I give the key to

You're ruining me

with secrets and gestures and looks

with sonnets in second-hand books

playing the chords in me

nobody knew how to play

You

sing me to sleep

talk down my walls

look through my windows as I

wait

You could be the thief

I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain

It unlocks our two differences and shows

we are the same

rather than wait till I

put me out for the taking

you're breaking

you're breaking into my heart

and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full

full of the future of us

you guys have gotta hear this song if you haven't.

old man stuff

2009-06-07T21:33:00.000+08:00

so, i'm getting down to do more old man stuff. reading books in my free time(not at work), taking a break from all those computer games(helps when you have a mac, which is incompatible with tons of windows games, and then in addition to that i don't have a whatever geforce blablabla graphics card) and making instant soup(erm cos i'm supposed to be too old to make proper soup?)

OK SO I ADMIT THIS IS PROBABLY NOT WHAT ALL OLD PEOPLE DO. JOEL'S DAD PLAYS COMPUTER GAMES FOR GOODNESS' SAKE. AND IT'S NOT TEXAS HOLD'EM POKER ON FACEBOOK(like my dad does) IT'S LIKE CALL OF DUTY 4 OR 5.

but hey, this is something nice. i'm reading this book that has collected quotes by C.S Lewis on topics ranging from A to Z. and it's a pretty good way to unwind, contemplate God's goodness, and at the same time sound like a really high class guy who has read those incredibly hard to understand C.S Lewis books.

so, another nugget that i have from reading said book.

on Glory:

The promise of glory is the promise, almost incredible and only possible by the work of Christ, that some of us, that any of us who really chooses, shall actually survive that examination, shall find approval, shall please God. To please God... to be a real ingredient in the divine happiness... to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son - it seems impossible, a weight or burden of glory which our thoughts can hardly sustain. But so it is.
'The Weight of Glory' in Screwtape Proposes a Toast,
pp.96-7

by the way, bought this tomato and basil instant soup packet stuff from malaysia. you know, the kind that you put into a nice mug and add hot water?
it's well.... souper....

2009-06-04T21:10:00.002+08:00

it's hard to wait

for things that come

a little too late

Time is Yours it's not mine

my fingers they scrabble and grasp

for things of a few different kind

I said it was You

I hope it still holds true

keep me from walking, keep me from searching

make me start to stop, get me started on waiting

it's hard to wait

even for things

that were never late

a quote from C.S. Lewis

2009-06-03T21:36:00.002+08:00

You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. In the Trinity Term of 1929, I gave in and admitted that God was God and knelt and prayed: perhaps that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England. i did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing, the divine humility which will accept the convert on even such terms. The prodigal son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can not duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance to escape? These words, compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but. properly understood, they plumb the depth of the divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and his compulsion is our liberation.

Surprised by Joy, p. 17

i love this. it made me guffaw, and at the same time want to cry.

Before the throne

2009-05-27T22:36:00.002+08:00

Before the throne of God above

I have a strong, a perfect plea

a great High Priest whose name is Love

who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on His hands

My name is written on His heart

I know that while in heav'n He stands

no tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair

and tells me of the guilt within

upward I look and see Him there

who made and end of all my sin

Because a sinless Saviour died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God the Just is satisfied

to look on Him and pardon me

Behold Him there the risen Lamb

My perfect spotless righteousness

the great unchangeable I Am

the King of Glory and of Grace

One in Himself I cannot die

my soul is purchased with His blood

My life is hid with Christ on High

with Christ my Saviour and my God

i wish there'd be more *GOOD* remakes of hymns.

too many fruitless hours in the ACS(I) chapel coupled with an immature mind to comprehend the lyrics I now find 'high class' and 'arty farty' but generally really beautiful and poetic.

and it rhymes!

yomama

2009-05-23T11:01:00.001+08:00

YOMAMA SKIN SO BAD SHE GAVE FREDDY KREUGER NIGHTMARES

sorry just had to let it out. dunno why i suddenly thought of this in the shower 2 days ago.

another sidenote: Wawa pissed on my mum's bed. more specifically, the blanket. the funny thing is that my dad didn't even scold wawa at all, but immediately remarked that my mom must have treated wawa badly(which isn't exactly true, she just doesn't treat wawa as good as the rest of us do).

this is so remarkable. wawa throwing tantrums and bringing 'piss off' to a whole new and much more literal level.

laxatives

2009-05-17T21:10:00.002+08:00

what do certain people and laxatives have in common? they irritate the s**t out of you.

this past week has been rather horrible as far as my mood has been concerned. perhaps most of it came from continuously thinking of things said at my expense. and i know how some people are gonna say i'm too sensitive, but honestly sensitivity and maturity is needed on their part as well.

when i'm annoyed i'll voice it out to someone else in a joking manner.

when i'm really annoyed i'll shut up and sit out.

i'm annoyed now, but it's ebbing.

i'm desperate too. WHERE ARE ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS??? DEFINITELY NOT NEAR ME AND NOT TALKING TO ME!

a day in the life of the Tan family's chihuahua

2009-05-05T12:42:00.003+08:00

6am: wake son up to open the door
6.05am:bug the father for breakfast
6.15am: scratch at son's door to be carried in and go back to sleep on son's bed(now that the son has found work, daughter takes place, if not, go to own bed and sleep)
6.20am-12pm: sleep/keep low profile lest grandma scolds for absolutely no reason at all
12pm: bug anyone and everyone for extra lunch
1pm: back to afternoon nap in own bed
6.30pm: greet son when he comes back from work, follow son around until father and mother arrive
7.30pm: greet father and mother. remember to treat father badly by barking very loudly
7.30pm: bug people for extra dinner. father is most likely to relent, followed by son, then grandmother.
8pm: dash upstairs and proceed to bark madly at father again. exercise a bit by playing catching with anyone who will play(usually the father)
10pm: start bugging son to open door. must be carried in by son so as to maintain high level of class and respect.
11pm: sleep on son's bed. walk over son a few times to make sure he does not go to sleep peacefully.

2009-04-26T22:17:00.001+08:00

this is so provoking

how their smiles can bring tears

and we shouldn't keep it inside or forget about it.

David Crowder Band - Surely we can change

2009-04-22T22:27:00.001+08:00

And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn't hit

And I don't know
What to do with a love like that
And I don't know
How to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something

And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything

Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Oh surely we can change
Something

Oh, the world's about to change
The whole world's about to change

But let the cross draw men to You

2009-04-09T19:10:00.002+08:00

now this is some R & B that I like

quite an old song, but this is one of those reminders that show me how dynamic and ALIVE God's love is. that from time to time i am still amazed by Jesus' words.

All for love a Saviour prayed

'so Abba Father, have Your way

though they know not what they do

but let the cross draw Man to You

to You

to You'

how timely, that Good Friday is around the corner.

and it's so ironic, that on Good Friday a good man died for the bad ones.

we wouldn't say it's good unless we were the bad ones, would we?

it's still so amazing, so unresolved, this love that God has for us.

unresolved, because i hope to never ever come to a conclusion about it

that it'd remain a mystery to me.

if my leg was long enough

2009-03-30T00:13:00.002+08:00

i'd kick myself in the butt. ok maybe i can reach, but it's not really hard enough.

went for the life con full dress rehearsal today. wonderful! and i feel like kicking myself for not jumping into it. ok actually i don't, i'm really thankful for all of these blissful moments of serenity and er.... dizzy dazes.

it's just that i'm getting older(not old yet! i look 18!) and i think this year may have been my last shot at life concert. but God willing, if He grants another opportunity i'll jump into it. the drummer is pretty fantastic man. i love the way the bass drum is mic'd up, and each pound makes the floor tremble. so wonderful man.

so, here is one song they sang. love this one

Steven Curtis Chapman - Children of God

i know it's just a word but

2009-03-23T22:29:00.002+08:00

you will think i'm an irritant for doing this but i've been a bit bothered by this popular phrase used lately. so i will break it down and copy the 2 separate meanings from macbook's dictionary.

camera 1 |ˈkam(ə)rə|nouna device for recording visual images in the form of photographs, movie film, or video signals.PHRASESon (or off) camera while being filmed or televised (or not being filmed or televised) : on camera, she was error-prone and nervous.

whore |hÃ´r|noun derogatorya prostitute.• a promiscuous woman.verb [ intrans. ](of a woman) work as a prostitute : she spent her life whoring for dangerousmen.• [often as n. ] ( whoring) (of a man) use the services of prostitutes : he lived by night, indulging in his two hobbies, whoring and eating.• debase oneself by doing something for unworthy motives, typically to make money : he had never whored after money.

yeah i know it's just a simple word, and i'm possibly acting like i have an umbrella up my posterior. but words don't just mean things, they also indicate things. for us who have been freed to live the holy lives, let's do our utmost best to live it.
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water
James 3:9-12
alright it's out of context cos i think this verse refers to cursing people. but this one came to mind.

this is a bit sudden

2009-03-22T22:51:00.004+08:00

ok this is a bit sudden but i'm going for a mission trip in 2 weeks time on the first weekend of april to kuala lipis. those interested pls let me know, there's like space for only 1 more. this trip should be fun fun fun because it's 3 AC guys. and it's a combination of Lee Kelvin's lame jokes and my lame jokes! powerhouse!

ulterior interior anterior

2009-03-21T00:59:00.002+08:00

been talking about intending to pray for someone, and the bible mentions that faith is useless without deeds. so this means that this person will have to be talked to. so now i'm wondering how we could go about doing this.

and now i realize the slight manifestations of our selfish nature. that when we have friends, it seems like somehow we try to gain something out of it. i wonder if we can ever go to a person with no agenda, no motive, but just as friends, just to hang out.

oh wait we can. i think we do that a lot.

oops.

but with how many people? hmmmm. not a lot, for me.

but on to the pressing issue, i wonder if i can hang out with this guy, and not ignore his problem, but just be a friend. show how God loves people by showing God's love to His people.

i think it's pretty tough. i'm not very familiar with this person(i keep my distance), like a lot of people. and maybe God is telling me to throw myself at His mercy by abandoning my privacy, by moving into a bigger shell. or getting out of my current one.

Live Out Loud - Steven Curtis Chapman

2009-03-16T02:10:00.001+08:00

Imagine this...I get a phone call from Regis
He says, "Do you want to be a millionaire?"
They put me on the show and I win with two lifelines to spare
Now picture this...I act like nothing ever happened
And bury all the money in a coffee can
Well, I've been given more than Regis ever gave away
I was a dead man who was called to come out of my grave
And I think it's time for makin' some noise

Wake the neighbors, get the word out
Come on...crank up the music...climb a mountain and shout
This is life we've been given made to be lived out
So la la la la live out loud
Live out loud, yeah

Think about this...try to keep a bird from singing
After it's soared up in the sky
Give the sun a cloudless day and tell it not to shine
Now think about this...if we really have been given
The gift of a life that will never end
And if we have been filled with living hope we're gonna overflow
And if God's love is burning in our hearts we're gonna glow
There's just no way to keep it in

Wake the neighbors, get the word out
Come on...crank up the music...climb a mountain and shout
This is life we've been given made to be lived out
So la la la la live out loud
Live out loud, yeah

Everybody, come on
La la la...la la la la
La la la live out loud
I want to hear everybody sing
La la la...la la la la
La la la live out loud, loud, loud

Every corner of creation is a living declaration
Come join the song we were made to sing

Wake the neighbors, get the word out
Come on...crank up the music...climb a mountain and shout
This is life we've been given made to be lived out
So la la la la live out loud
Live out loud, yeah

BJJ

2009-03-15T20:23:00.002+08:00

ok so i've started learning brazilian jiujitsu with wilfred, and maybe jem is gonna join in soon. i even made a lame joke about it(bjj costs an arm and leg!) but that's another story. simply put, this sport is pretty fun, offers a really intensive workout(i almost vomitted after last training, and that was the 2nd time in my life. i never even vomitted after bball although i experience another set of problems) and i think i feel a lot safer with the knowledge(or delusion) that i can pretty much defend myself. although i'm still getting bullied/owned by about everyone i've sparred with. the closest i ever came to winning was when i used an illegal lock. yeah that's how sad it is. but anyway, here's a rather glamorous vid for BJJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzHraEVEaY4&feature=related

But other than that, most of the time we are basically molesting each other to get to advantageous places. i am seriously not kidding about this. GUYS, if you want to impress GIRLS, do NOT use BRAZILIAN/GRACIE JIUJITSU or any other form of ground fighting. just. don't.

i don't know whether to thank you or to whack you

2009-03-10T00:24:00.003+08:00

ok Jem, i don't know whether to thank you or to whack you.

to thank you, is because you lent me that fantastic Shane and Shane album. you know how when some musicians are REALLY good, other musicians somehow just appear less talented? with the exception of Joe Satriani, Brooke Fraser, Lifehouse, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones, Organissimo, Salvador(hopefully i have not left out important others. JOHN PETRUCCI AND DREAM THEATRE ARE NOT INCLUDED IN THIS LIST MUAHAHAHAHAHA), i feel like swearing off other musicians and trampling their cd into the ground.

i'd wanna whack you cos you didn't introduce me to this band earlier or lend me their cd earlier.

i mean, it's not like i didn't introduce you to Joe Satriani or Brooke Fraser. in fact i introduced you to them over and over again over the course of... hmmm..... ok ever since i knew you.

plus the fact that i save you from long tongued, agile, fragile, fat, bloated, obese, muscular and female zombies on an average of 5 times a week.

alright for those of you who are confused, I am raving about how good Shane and Shane are. Shane and Shane is an acoustic Christian band. they are good. listen to them now. i have already included them in my favourite music list in facebook.

and i'm also saying that i help jem a lot in left 4 dead. a lot. and he's rather unappreciative of it.

to be the fastest, you don't have to be the smartest

2009-02-26T23:59:00.002+08:00

ok chao, so you're not exactly the brightest bulb in the box. a few sandwiches short of a picnic. dumber than a box of nails.

so just remember next time, when the weather is anything colder than warm, STAY THE HECK OUT OF THE SWIMMING POOL!

apparently you were the fastest sperm, but maybe not the smartest.

ok i'm done berating myself. today is the 5 hour practice for the wedding gig.

help her go to india

2009-02-24T17:41:00.001+08:00

hi everyone, my friend jayce tham jing wen will be going to india to sample all their various curries.

yeah right. she's going there to help build a hospital. as such, PLEASE kindly help for her fundraising. you can either help by donating directly to her, or buying t -shirts from her which will go towards the fund raising. personally, i feel the t-shirts are a great idea, because if you don't like them, you can still use them as rags.

jayce is a good friend of anna, who should become my future wife. please also help my future! thank you!

2009-02-17T23:04:00.003+08:00

had a talk with Pastor Leslie today(he actually said he just wanted to know me better! how cool is that? squeal!) and man, it was pretty interesting to see the interest he took in the congregation. and even more interesting, that when he was young, he really did look quite good(i think i look better though) and almost like a girl(so totally unlike me!)

ostensibly deliberate or not, i get the feeling he wanted to encourage me to choose God's way over the world's way. and definitely, i did feel encouraged. example after example of ridiculous concepts and potentially side-splitting ideas(potentially, because we still have to respect the fact that people did spend a lot of time and effort into coming up with these strange notions) that psychologists, students, generally people who thought they were too smart for their own good came up with, have all failed to prove any more solid than God's way.

the only problem is that nowadays we don't know what's right and wrong anymore. that the line has been blurred, that both white and black look like grey.

and we, as christians, have the good book to stand by us. how are people supposed to believe that the secret to everything in life can actually be contained in one book?

Pastor Leslie was talking about these two psychologists who came up with the idea of an open marriage. basically, Man weds woman, beds Woman, then beds women with the knowledge of Woman. though not necessarily in that order, given the way things go. and the same is true for Woman. they were lauded for their openness, ingenuity, innovation, and cleverness to vent their lusty desires openly.

they divorced a decade later.

the problem now is that somebody somewhere will say something like 'so what's so bad about divorce?'

makes me wonder what a typical family will be like ten years from now. whether having 2 parents will actually be more odd than having 1 or 3 parents. i think if i ever do specialize in family law, my job will be very interesting.

what is this world coming to? sounds like we are becoming a really really big Sodom/Gomorrah. Don't think there'll be reverse fireworks(the pyrotechnics, in this case, fire and brimstone, go down from above, instead of the other way round) this time round to pop the party.

I wonder if someone will come along and curse me, calling me as a fundamentalist. and the irony is that, the left wingers are allowed to rant all they want, and all they rant seems to be correct. well, whatever happened to freedom of speech? why are we christians forbidden to say what we want now?

some freedom indeed.

excerpt from the Darwin Awards

2009-02-16T19:55:00.005+08:00

Honorable Mention: Explosive Mix of Girls

Three teenage girls were hanging out in the public rest room sniffing lighter fluid gas, when one of them casually lit a cigarette. The explosion ignited the fumes filling the small enclosure, and the girls rushed from the toilets-straight into the arms of police, because the rest room they had chosen was in the same building as the police station.

Inspector Leif Hoy said. "We heard a bang from the toilets. A moment later the girls ran out screaming." The officers gave them first aid by dousing them with cold water, and sent them to the hospital for further treatment.

None of the gas-sniffing girls was in danger of losing her life, but unless they learn a few permanent lessons from this experience, we expect to hear from them again.

Lesson One: When sniffing lighter fluid, avoid doing so next to a police station, unless you foresee the need for first aid
Lesson Two: When sniffing lighter fluid in a small closed room, try to control the urge for nicotine until you are well away from the fumes.
Lesson Three: Do not sniff lighter fluid.

Personal Account: Eat the Young

One day a ranger for the Yellowstone National Park Service joined a crowd of people, cars, trucks, and motor homes that had congregated to watch a bear. One woman and her little boy stood out in the crowd. She was smearing something unidentifiable all over the boy's face.

The ranger asked the woman what she was doing.

She answered, "Putting honey on him, of course!"

Stunned, he asked the obvious question: Why?

She answered matter-of-factly, "I want to take a picture of the bear licking it off his face!"

Fortunately for the child, but perhaps unfortunately from an evolutionary standpoint, the ranger prevented the child from approaching the bear. To this day he has nightmares about it. This event just goes to show why some animals feel compelled to eat their own young in the wild.

Darwin Award: Dive to Death

If you fly over Houston, you will see the sky-blue rectangles of countless backyard swimming pools. A Houston man joined the club and purchased his own aboveground pool on June 21, 1998. He selected the location, and the pool was installed by an independent contractor a few days later. He rated all aspects of the installation as "excellent."

A few weeks later, the pool owner was swimming with his friends and enjoying an alcoholic Fourth of July haze in the humid Houston heat. In an unprecedented show of bravado, the man decided to climb onto the patio roof and dive into his new pool.

The man was six feet tall. His pool, typical for an aboveground model, was four feet deep. So when his head hit the bottom, his legs were still sticking two feet out of the water. The dive broke his neck

He sued on the grounds of faulty installation and inappropriate location. Yes, the same installation the man had rated as "excellent," placed in the location he himself had selected.

The pool owner passed away in December. Next time you fly over Houston and see those miles of swimming pools, remember the story of this man's last, miscalculated dive.

Urban Legend: Mad Trombonist

In a misplaced moment of inspiration, Enrique Medolino, bass trombonist with a local orchestra, decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired during a performance of Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" at an outdoor children's concert.

In complete disregard of decorum, he dropped a large lit firecracker, equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of his new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through a mask of bandages, "I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra like a rocket."

However Enrique was not up to speed on his propulsion physics, nor was he qualified to wield high-powered artillery. Despite his haste to raise the horn before the firecracker exploded, he failed to life the bell high enough for the airborne mute's arc to clear the orchestra. What happened should serve as a lesson to us all during our delirious moments of divine inspiration.

First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of musicians in the woodwind and viola section, entirely bypassing the players, and rammed straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him backward off the podium and into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus protected from serious injury. The chairs collapsed under the first row, and passed the energy from the impact of the flying conductor backward into the people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the third row, and so on, like a series of dominoes. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased geometrically, adding to the overall commotion of cannons and brass playing the closing measures of the overture.

Meanwhile, unplanned audience choreography not withstanding, Enrique Medolino's own personal Waterloo was still unfolding back on stage. According to Enrique, "As I heard the sound of the firecracker blast, time seemed to stand still. Right before I lost consciousness, I heard an Austrian-accented voice say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekval unt opposeet reakshon!"

This comes as no surprise, for Enrique was about to become a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he paved the way for the energy of the blast to jet a superheated plume of gas backward through the mouthpiece, which slammed into his face like the hand of fate, burning his lips and skin and knocking him mercifully unconscious.

But the pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha trombone right down the middle, turning it inside out while propelling Enrique backward off the riser. For the grand finale, as Enrique fell to the ground, his limp hands lost their grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases to propel the slide like a golden spear into the head of the third clarinetist, knocking him senseless.

The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch this!" you'd better duck!

Urban Legend: The Bricklayer

This accident report needs an introduction so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for Block Number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, so I trust the following details will be sufficient.

"I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new eighty-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about three hundred pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

"Securing the rope ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a descent of the three hundred pounds of tools.

"You will note in Block Number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

"Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the forty-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

"Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold on to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in Block Number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.

"In the vicinity of the forty-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

"The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

"I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel eighty feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

"I let go of the rope..."

don't get cocky!

2009-01-27T22:51:00.003+08:00

right so here's one cocky fellow.

ok well the images don't seem to be loading on stupid blogger.

suffice to say, i found out that jeremy quek and a few others (like joel ong and tim wan) have been right about my intelligence all along. or rather, the lack of it. because genius me intended to bring my mac along, snickering happily that THIS YEAR i have something to fight the immense boredom in malaysia.

i DID bring the mac. i stuffed it in my bag and everything. in fact, i intended to do this 'photo journal' during the malaysia trip. the only problem was that i forgot to bring the adaptor. so with 4 hours of battery life on my macbook, i ended up with a 3kg ipod and little more than no self esteem.

this year was pretty good. my usually unreasonable mother decided to be a little more motherly and less unreasonable, and we did not visit any relatives save for our immediate cousins. (does that mean that we can decide to be cousins at a later stage in life? or have i used immediate wrongly?)

after Batu Pahat i travelled to malacca. and it was there i found out that gula melaka(the magic stuff they put into their chendol that makes their chendol taste so foreign compared to singapore) is just plain old boring caramel. probably with some other parts. but oh, if I can taste caramel, it means there's a hell lot of caramel. that said, malaysia's food is waaay better than singapore's food. hate to say it, but it's true man.

what made my experience a little more tragic was that my cousin's house had wireless! not to get all patronizing, but last year when i visited, their means of connectivity was just via the LAN cable. and this year they had wireless!!! imagine if i had my macbook AND adaptor! i was probably more green than the pomelo on my cousin's table, what with watching my sis go on msn, facebook, getting all sorts of messages(ok i'm also jealous that SHE gets messages while I don't because she's a pretty girl and i'm not.) while i had to watch malaysian chinese sing new year songs and trying to convince people that they were very happy and enthusiastic about continuing the great legacy of chinese tradition.

by the way, the original plan was to have lots and lots of photos. but until now, i couldn't really upload any. this sucks man.

Malaysia has a lot more stripes on the road than singapore. and i don't mean the pedestrian crossings. i mean the kind that ridge out, and made me think 'HEY THAT WAS FUN LETS GO OVER MORE' when i was a kid. but now, it just made the urgency of my toilet break even more urgent. fortunately there was no loss of self control.

the journey back was like 6 hours. there was actually an accident in between the countries at the 2nd link(TAKE THAT YOU LANE CUTTERS) which caused the entire queue to come to a standstill for twenty minutes. and then the horny buggers started their stuff. i hate those car horns. it doesn't improve the traffic situation, but it sure fires you up!

ok that seems to be all. blogger apparently doesn't seem very keen on letting you upload your photos, just to let you know.

something comprehensible!

2009-01-27T22:36:00.005+08:00

alright here's something comprehensible! my new year experience!

it's not that new, since it's been going on for 20 years(1 year was when i was forced to miss it cos my passport expired, and i ended up collecting extra money cos i visited my cousins' relatives. yummy.)

so here's a coherent(i hope) post that is not at any risk of having any incorrect christian doctrine!

For the first visit, we had to visit my granny's house in Batu Pahat(rock white)

So here's the road to the Kampung. can't see the house right?

well here's the house! 3 cars too, i think all of them belong to my cousins.

2009-01-20T23:27:00.003+08:00

Found

here's a trip down memory lane!

2009-01-18T21:38:00.000+08:00

i've been reading the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and i came across something he wrote.

anyway, this is the background info/ context/ of the bunch of italics, according to him.

What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours?

What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that i used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should i show you who I am, we may crumble.

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

Come, O thou traveler unknown

2009-01-01T20:16:00.003+08:00

   Come, O thou Traveler unknown

 Come, O thou Traveler unknown,   whom still I hold, but cannot see!   My company before is gone,   and I am left alone with thee.   With thee all night I mean to stay,   and wrestle till the break of day;   with thee all night I mean to stay,   and wrestle till the break of day.

        I need not tell thee who I am,   my misery and sin declare;   thyself hast called me by my name,   look on thy hands and read it there.   But who, I ask thee, who art thou?   Tell me thy name, and tell me now.   But who, I ask thee, who art thou?   Tell me thy name, and tell me now.

 Yield to me now, for I am weak,   but confident in self despair!   Speak to my heart, in blessing speak,   be conqured by my instant prayer.   Speak, or thou never hence shalt move,   and tell me if thy name is Love.   Speak, or thou never hence shalt move,   and tell me if thy name is Love. 
 'Tis Love! 'tis Love! Thou diedst for me,   I hear thy whisper in my heart.   The morning breaks, the shadows flee,   pure, Universal Love thou art.   To me, to all, thy mercies move;   thy nature and thy name is Love.   To me, to all, thy mercies move;   thy nature and thy name is Love. 
came across this oriental sounding hymn. really nice lyrics, and somehow i get the 
insight that some of those english gentlemen with the funny hair and cardboard clothes
are not as prim and proper(and forever grammatically correct)as I imagine them to be.
that there's a similar sense of that humble longing for familiarity with God.

an excerpt from Blue Like Jazz

2008-12-27T01:45:00.001+08:00

an excerpt from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

From Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

I felt like both churches came to the table with a them and us mentality, them being the liberal non-Christians in the world, and us being Christians. I felt, once again, that there was this underlying hostility for homosexuals and Democrats and, well, hippie types. I cannot tell you how much I did not want liberal or gay people to be my enemies. I liked them. I cared about them, and they cared about me. I learned that in the woods. I had never felt so alive as I did in the company of my liberal friends. It isn’t that the Christians I had been with had bad community; they didn’t, I just liked the community of the hippies because it was more forgiving, more, I don’t know, healthy.

The real issue in the Christian community was that it was conditional. You were loved, but if you had questions, questions about whether the Bible was true or whether America was a good country or whether last week’s sermon was good, you were not so loved. You were loved in word, but there was, without question, a social commodity that was being withheld from you until you shaped up. By toeing the party line you earned social dollars; by being yourself you did not. If you wanted to be valued, you became a clone. These are broad generalizations, and they are unfair, but this is what I was thinking at the time. Bear with me, and I will tell you what I learned.

I began to attend a Unitarian church. All-Souls Unitarian Church in Colorado Springs was wonderful. The people were wonderful. Like my friends in the woods, they freely and openly accepted everybody the church didn’t seem to accept. I don’t suppose they accepted fundamentalists, but neither did I at the time. I was comfortable there. Everybody was comfortable there. I did not like their flaky theology though. I did not like the way they changed words in the hymns, and I did not like the way they ignored the Bible, but I loved them, and they really liked me. I loved the smiley faces, the hugs, the vulnerable feel to the place, the wonderful old gray-haired professors, former alcoholics and drug addicts, the intellectual feminists who greeted me with the kindest, most authentic faces that I understood as invitations to tell my story.

I began to understand that my pastors and leaders were wrong., that the liberals were not evil, they were liberal for the same reason Christians were Christians, because they believed their philosophies were right, good, and beneficial for the world. I had been raised to believe there were monsters under the bed, but I had peeked, in a moment of bravery, and found a wonderful world, a good world, better, in fact, than the one I had known.

The problem with Christian community was that we had ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in Christian community, but it was conditional love. Sure, we called it unconditional, but it wasn’t. There were bad people in the world and good people in the world. We were raised to believe this. If people were bad, we treated them as though they were evil or charity: If they were bad and rich, they were evil. If they were bad and poor, they were charity. Christianity was always right, we were always looking down on everybody else. And I hated this. I hated it with a passion. Everything in my soul told me it was wrong. It felt, to me, as wrong as sin. I wanted to love everybody. I wanted everything to be cool. I realize this sounds like tolerance, and to many in the church the word tolerance is profanity, but that is precisely what I wanted. I wanted tolerance. I wanted everybody to leave everybody else alone, regardless of their religious beliefs, regardless of their political affiliation. I wanted people to like each other. Hatred seemed, to me, the product of ignorance. I was tired of biblical ethic being used as a tool with which to judge people rather than heal them. I was tired of Christian leaders using biblical principles to protect their power, to draw a line in the sand separating the good army from the bad one. The truth is I had met the enemy in the woods and discovered they were not the enemy. I wondered whether any human being could be an enemy of God.

enigmat

2008-12-21T13:54:00.002+08:00

tell me, O Mysterious One

am I an enigma,

bits of conundrum, pieces of riddle?

that between the 2 of us, it might be easier, if not already better

to spend this span

figuring You?

that it would take eternity and then some

to decipher us

eternity for Yours

and an age for mine

maybe we're truly accidents that were waiting

once one examines the world we're inhabiting

and if not for You, I'd have bought into that

are we to be figured out

or are we to question the answers

all already given out?

now this is really rather random

2008-12-14T20:03:00.000+08:00

who are we, that You would actually die for us. who are we, that you still sustain us, from each breath to the next, heartbeat to heartbeat?

who are You, that you defend your enemies, the ones who hate You, and hold them to Yourself as Your children?

who are we, and who are You? what is life, a sojourn, a mystery, a moment of consciousness out of a rend in time?

oh that this would be forever! that i would feel you every moment of my life!

But let Your will be done.

Let me go without drink so that i would thirst.

For You.

let me lose myself only to find You.

Take my heart. You can't steal it, I'm giving it to You.

i'm wondering me; and pondering us

2008-11-22T22:37:00.003+08:00

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

not now seeing

but thinking of stars

how far they are

how high they seem

how cheap we've made ourselves

for You to redeem

we were scarlet in sin

now we're white as snow

sacred blood, so carelessly spilled

so aimlessly wondering, amidst its flow

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

was it all worth it,

when You got Your scars

Yours is no place for a mind

a heart for numbers; profit and gain

Yours is a mystery

unwritable, untamable

who are You, and who am i?

but show me yourself, before anything else

show me yourself, and i'll have nothing else

have i told You before

how much i need You,

how much i want to want You?

yes i have, a thousand times over

and still, i repeat that prayer

which reaches further than stars

words are words, and i'll be me

while i wait for You

to release me from my skin

i'm wondering me

and pondering us

but now, no need for that

when i'm here, with the First and the Last

2008-11-16T23:32:00.002+08:00

the crossroad is a memory away

and now the journey is the only way

would i lose it to refind it

lose it to refine it

sometimes it stings;

the knowledge that

at the end of the day

i'm still clay

there to be made nothing

when i figure i've became something

to form teetering shapes

tottering towers

Holy water-holding vases

for thirsty, pained faces

we're hardened, but we're breakable

we go through fires, fire after fire

when it all ends, who can, who will say

if i'm what i hoped to be, on that distant day

would I lose you, to find the real You

lose me, to refine the aged me

or are things what they seem to be

but blurred through wide awake eyes

don't let me lose You

but let me release me

let me find myself

in You

You can have all this world, but give me Jesus

2008-11-07T23:22:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tsEvV5REww

another amazing video of Brooke Fraser. yeah yeah, here i go again. this one is her doing a cover of Fernando Ortega(who's that?!)'s song, and then followed by Faithful(my most most most favourite song off Albertine)

my pessimistic soliloquy is overdue.

somewhere on the other side of the world, a so-called Christian is getting laid. and then on this side of the world, a similar confessor is having a similar experience.

and perhaps one third around the world, a Christian in Africa is facing a test of faith. at gunpoint.

on the same continent, the people starving to death are a lot more than the hairs on your head. your families' head, even.

in 3 different places at once, sons and daughters are denying their heavenly Father because of temporary things they see and feel. circumstances meant for their own good.

6 hours ago, a potential believer had his chances erased when he saw a believer in cavorting in sin. and enjoying it.

someone just died of starvation.

3 people in Africa just got infected with AIDS.

and there's not a single thing any of us did about it.

we'd probably forget about all these next week.

it sucks to know someone is really suffering, and all you do about it is sit on your ass.

Tony Campolo once said, "some of you don't give a shit about poverty in the world. And some of you are more offended that i just said 'shit' than by the fact there are more children dying of starvation in Africa."

I know, we're supposed to pray. and pray about it.

but honestly, doesn't anyone find it a bit idealistic?

but i guess i'm called to be a fool. so that some smart alecs out there would be put to immense shame.

so after i've finished writing this, i'm going to pray. and perhaps someone out there would live to suffer another day.

and with that put aside, i've got my own winding road to travel. Lord knows how many potholes are waiting out there for me to sprain my ankle in. brambles and thistles, do your worst. i'm gonna meet the Gardener.

now, if you can, please pray a seemingly futile prayer for someone in africa. somewhere a kid has forgotten to smile. he hasn't smiled, and he'd rather spend the energy worrying about where the next scrap of food will come. his bloated stomach is an ironic stark contrast to his limbs. but it's bloated because he's starving, not because he's full. your futile prayer may help him remember how to smile one day.

in the neighbouring country, a 3 year old girl has just been raped because of a stupid and ridiculous myth that AIDS can be cured by having sex with a virgin. so that 3 year old girl will probably not live beyond the age of 14. all because of a stupid myth.

who wants this world? give me Jesus.

Lord, we can't hear their cries. we may have felt their gastric pangs once in a while, but not as often as they do. we can't hear them but You do. and You hear our prayers too. Hear our prayers. Please.

Tim and Jem, you guys KNOW you're jealous!

2008-10-29T23:57:00.002+08:00

oh yeah you 2 guys know you're so jealous of me

so anyway, i just came back from a Tommy Emmanuel concert with Tim and Jem. and it was so amazing.

and the beautiful thing is, i met this beautiful caucasian girl with a lip stud, and she talked to us, but SPECIFICALLY TO ME.

and she used a horrible pick up line! she asked 'excuse me, do you know where to get an afro wig?'

i mean, come on, can you believe someone would actually use such a random and horrible pickup line? and did i mention i'm totally nuts about pretty caucasian girls who have lip piercings, are shorter than me, and use totally random and horrible pickup lines?

oh yeah i'm NUTS about them.

and so now tim and jem are sick with envy that she talked to ME. ME! and tim had to steal the attention away from me by telling her where to find afro wigs while i was soaking in the amazing moment where i've finally met my soul mate.

ah nothing like a little distortion of the truth. but hey, boys, please don't be jealous of me. man i really should have offered to BRING her to the party store or whatever.

so, i guess the last gig of the year is over. and it was so amazing.

i'm starting to realise that there seems to be no way i can ever lock any memories of gigs and replay them in my head. but i think the beauty of it is fleeting. and it's pretty amazing. sadly, i think i've only been to 2 official gigs, both of them this year and in this semester. but hey, it's Joe Satriani's fault for refusing to put on a show here.

anyway, back to fleeting beauty. if i may roughly quote and summarize C.S Lewis and Donald Miller, one ironic constant of our human life is change. although C.S Lewis says that we fluctuate around a heavenbound path , while Donald Miller says that the beauty of change is to see how much we have changed once we have returned from a journey while others remain the same. ok i'm not quoting the exactly what they said, and i suspect i'm manipulating their words a little bit so i could get to my point. but what i'm trying to say is, hmmm.... oh well, i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. maybe something about how we should seize the day, the moment, or maybe something about avoiding ending up in a state of denial where we find out too late that we have somehow manage to seemingly cryogenically freeze ourselves while everything else has thawed with time, and altered so much that our frozen state is obsolete, and our best attempt is nothing more than a futile struggle.

but i'd say the best thing is to um, ignore that whole paragraph. i need some sleep.

so tim and jem, stop being so jealous of me. SHE CHOSE ME. LIVE WITH IT MUAHAHAHAHA

2008-10-28T23:11:00.002+08:00

like my eggs done over easy and flour tortillas

10:43

one girl i know actually said she might be interested in you

43:41

lols

43:50

cos she said she likes big heads and ear piercings

43:51

hahahahah

thanks alot jem.

anyway, here's a really cool video about an incredibly incredible and poisonous(venomous?) underwater

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHnm4I4RBMo

well let's just put aside all the evolution and creationism theories and differences, and let's all just agree that such animals deserve more dignity than just being evidence for people's theories. (HOWEVER, I SUPPORT CREATIONISM!)

sometimes i really wonder if it's possible that i remove all lines between christians and non-christians. and let friendship be friendship. no ulterior motives, like wanting to convert everything that moves to christianity.

and then i realise, regardless of public or private opinion, that wanting my friends to become christian is really concern, and sadly at times a legalistic responsibility that i have.

and then there's an issue that most non-christians(and quite a number of christians) act in ways that i cannot reconcile or ignore. at the risk of sounding self righteous and holier-than-thou, to do so seems nothing more than a betrayal of myself, of what i stand for and who i live for.

it's not so much a question of tolerance. but i see it as an issue of acknowledging who i am, of understanding the shape i have been moulded into, of how hard it was to be moulded into that shape.

so i'll have to find a way to get my big head and ear piercings around this.

2008-10-27T20:35:00.003+08:00

I like the way you look

those papered memories we took

a minute, a second from the giggles

we could never hope to stifle

now we're the past, and the past is broken

yes, we're broken, and it's still unspoken

we're the future, we're apart

we're the desires of our heart

it's a crying shame; that stupid game

i took the bait; now there're only losers

the seams are undone, it seems

it teems with unbridled arbitrary unlicensed hope

it's barely bound by fraying tattered rope

i'm running, i'm hiding

from you, myself, from everything

tell me your name, i fear of you

we haven't met; i already know you

i've seen you in black and white

moving pictures, at high temperatures

i spoke to you before, my friend of uncharted future

you just didn't hear, you never strained an ear

give me your self, and i'll give you mine

we could be beautiful, i can divine

never apart, at worst a part

of a One, a palpitating heart.

we're one plus one, and still we're One

or maybe we are halves, with wedges and nooks

crannies and crooks

all along waiting; all along aching

to fit and fill, relieve and fulfill

myself, yourself and us

to write an unwritten book

then unwrite the written book

that others, mortal and now dust

have painstakingly written,

and left for replication

no, my dear, let's not be taken

we'll write a classic, an epic storybook!

we'll be divine, we'll learn to fly

we'll make our homes up in the sky

we're no Icarus, we'll never collide

with the earth, it's unbreakable hide

*here's a rather light hearted version*

we'll be divine, we'll be so fly

we'll even do our business in the sky

poor fools who're down to earth

when they find out what hit them, they'll be unnerved!

we could be beautiful, we could be divine

my friend from uncharted future, you left me for Time

we're apart now, but soon we'll be a part

of a One, a One beating heart

just tell me your name, show me your face

step through time, then we can keep in pace

I don't know you, but I don't know me too

we'll start on the same page, and write us through

Paul Washer

2008-10-25T22:00:00.002+08:00

ok so a few months ago i was on duty and i was checking out this site www.godtube.com. so there was this preacher called Paul Washer, there was a video of him preaching at a Youth Group. here's one of the links, http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=c1d1e567eb773a4b288d.

so anyway, what he basically does, is he goes to a youth group, and lets them know how they've gone wrong.

'i'll preach as a dying man. to dying men. and women. and youth. and i'll preach as though i will never preach again. and i will tell you things that you will misunderstand, and i will tell you things that will make you so angry with me. and i will tell you things that you will deny. and i will tell you things and you will say i have no right to tell you what i'm telling you.'

and he's not wrong man.

he lambasts them over and over and over again about their anti nominism, and what's frightening is that i wonder whether the message is for me too. he talks about American christianity, and one of his controversial quotes

"The greatest heresy in the American evangelical and Protestant church is that if you pray and ask Jesus Christ to come into your heart, He will definitely come in."

from there he talks about how salvation is by faith and faith alone in Jesus, which is preceeded and followed by repentance, a desire not to be like the world, not to be like the great majority of christians, not to be like britney spears, but to be like Jesus Christ. so the audience starts clapping, amening.

and then he says, "I don't know why you're clapping. I'm talking about you. I didn't come here to get amens. i didn't come here to be applauded. I'm talking about you."

as much as i love Donald Miller's writing, i'd say Paul Washer preceeds him should we talk about truth. simply because he used scripture. and it's sobering. and rather shocking.

i wonder!

2008-10-18T21:39:00.002+08:00

i forgot i had a bunch of stuff saved in my macbook(i'm deliberately mentioning macbook because i want to let all of you know that ONCE YOU GO MAC YOU DON'T GO BACK), them being excerpts from good reads i had. so this one is from The Ragamuffin Gospel, it's really my most favourite book of the year, i'm not saying that it's my most favourite book simply because i'm mentioning it now and therefore i'm unconsciously brainwashing myself that the book is good, the book is wonderful, the book is therefore THE BEST.

if you don't understand what i said, there's a high chance a lot of other people don't. me included.

anyway, this was the prayer of a rabbi, which he revealed as he lay on his deathbed. he said that he had never regretted a single moment of his life, thanks to God.

without further delay, here it is

i don't wanna spoil the mood now by saying too much stuff, but i think this is something i really could learn from. to re learn once again how to be a child. a good boy, not a naughty one, of course. to take my cynicism, my skepticism, and sarcasm(the kind that is intentionally hurtful) and give their butts a good hard kick. then chuck them out of the window(remembering to open the window because it would be a pain to sweep up any broken glass).

Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all.

the Hall of Shame

2008-10-13T23:24:00.003+08:00

well just yesterday, youtube managed(for the umpteenth time) to keep me awake a few hours longer than i was supposed to.

but anyway, on to the reason for my title.

for those of you who want to find out how disgusting some of today's so-called Christians can actually be, you may want to visit this site

http://leavingfundamentalism.org/hallofshame.htm

there's this guy, called Peter Popoff(this surname is a LAME JOKE waiting to happen, i tell you). apparently, he was found out by a professional skeptic(can you believe such a job exists?) to be fake. one of his tricks was to feign prophecy. so he'd point out a poor(sometimes, literally) unsuspecting audience member, and start to declare, much to his/her amazement, his/her name, address, personal details, like what he/she was suffering from.

well, James Randi used a radiowave detector, and discovered popoff's wife popping off information to him into his earphones.

he went bankrupt shortly after that.

and then in 2007, he came back to the commercial scene selling AUTHENTIC HOLY WATER. and it was FREE!

so upon ordering, the person will find with it a bunch of instructions on how to properly use the holy water. like, drinking it for 5 days, after which, do not be surprised to find yourself healed of cancer! aids! necrophillia! and remember to make send a large paycheck to Rev. Peter Popoff too! as he says from an instructional video, the power does not come from drinking the Holy Water, it comes from following the instructions!

i know i'm not the only one hoping popoff well, pops off.

desperate people suffering from cancer, have been made bankrupt because of a misguided faith used when they were at their wits' end. you know what's one thing worse than having cancer? having cancer and being a lot poorer than you already are. and that's what popoff did.

Peter, the Holy Ghost is telling me you're a huckster and an idiot. Welcome to the Hall of Shame.

to my pentecostal charismatic(or is it charismatic pentecostals?) friends, i really am not trying to lambast you, and i know this will contribute to your chagrin. but i've given up on these signs and wonders. take a look at Derren Brown and his 'conversions' of the atheists he randomly assembles. Derren Brown is an atheist, and with manipulative words and 'mysterious' gestures, he achieves the same wonders, such as causing people to be slain in the spirit.

The book of James tells us true faith is accompanied by works. i guess the question is what kind of works?

would you speak in tongues on saturdays and sundays, and maybe for fifteen minutes every day as well, and for the rest of the time, a vulgarity is waiting to spring off your tongue? with the same mouth you curse man and praise God?

i'd rather be silent.

i know, i have generalised. i have assaulted an imaginary enemy. or maybe i haven't. i don't know, i've never met these people.

something different

2008-10-05T00:16:00.002+08:00

Simon

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

(Chorus):
And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

by Lifehouse

when i first heard this song(now on hindsight it sounds like a possible soundtrack for City of Angels) i knew it was one of those songs that was different. and so i couldn't listen out for the lyrics, mostly cos everyone around me was singing very loudly and out of tune, but not as bad as the overweight and overbearing bimbo wannabe happily screaming for Jason Wade(MARRY ME! AAAAHH!). maybe Jason Wade would be screaming(in horror) if he saw her demanding him to forfeit the rest of his life(and romantic dreams) to her. furthermore, i bet most of her screaming didn't reach Jason Wade cos it ended up in MY LEFT EAR.

furthermore there was another guy who happily stood in front of me, conveniently being a head(a t-rex's head) taller than me. after introducing himself as Shawn/Shaun/Sean, he happily started grooving, giving an impression that he was either drunk, on drugs, mad, asking for a beating, or (most likely) all of them. it was quite funny how he looked like a happy pigeon with the unique and er, rather bollywood style of moving his head. oh well, at least he has a flexible neck. and most importantly, the opening act(Jack and Rai) managed to tire him out when Lifehouse started.

oh my, how i've digressed. deliberately.

but hey, for those of you who dunno yet, i just came back from a Lifehouse gig at Power Station at St James', my first time seeing what a club looks like. no clubbing involved, although i could say that a lot of us wanted to club Shawn/Shaun/Sean with anything and everything we could find. man, if only we had some clubbing.

shucks, i've digressed again.

so, back, and fully devoted to Lifehouse. before Brooke Fraser came along, i think i probably thought Jason Wade wrote lyrics that i, with hot air, deemed high class enough.

this gig was really fantastic. i really wish i could have recorded it in my mind but it seems like i'm forgetting it. but lifehouse live is fantastic. really fantastic. even though they managed to attract a few psycho fans.

on a more sombre thought, i really hope i haven't been one of the arrogant weak mentioned in this song. i doubt it's being meaty beefcakes with tattoos, but more of oppressing different people, who usually are different because they are weird. well, Shawn/Shaun/Sean the pigeon was weird but he really didn't seem oppressed, depressed, and he definitely impressed nobody with his extreme enthusiasm.

after watching boy a, i'm starting to have a more empathic sympathy(or should it be sympathetic empathy?) for the outcasts. the thing is i always find myself on the apathetic side. and i really don't know how it would be like, to stand up for them, to be proud of being a weirdo's friend, to treat them the same as everyone. it's not as easy as it seems in the movies, where the weirdos are just quieter people. how easy is it when you're asked to put your arm around somebody who talks differently, has a complete set of interests that you may never have heard of, basically, someone you can't identify with?

sometimes i wish i had cotton wool for brains. then i'd innocently befriend anyone and everyone, and treat them the same. but it's different when you want to be part of the crowd.

so, i wonder how it would be like not to be part of the crowd. to be alone, but not lonely.

Boy A

2008-09-29T22:22:00.002+08:00

so i went to watch this show with a hot date.

yeah right who am i kidding. i watched it with jeremy. i mean, it's not that he's not hot(just get a fever!) it's just that he doesn't qualify as a date.

the movie was quite a short story stretched out to fill a 2 hour time slot. and fill it did. with garnish, icing, spices and whatever. fantastic movie. to cut the long(after being stretched out) story short, it's based on the murder of James Bulger, a 3 year old boy, very cute, although no where near as cute as I was when i was 3, all the way till now. 2 10 year old boys murdered him really brutally, including splashing blue paint on his face, to kicking and hitting him with BRICKS, stones and a 22lb iron bar(can you imagine 2 boys holding either side of the bar and smashing it into his fragile body).

and i guess the most shocking thing about the 2 boys is that during the trial, they were LAUGHING as they recounted their murder and mutilation.

yeap, they were laughing. that's cold, man. it's the stuff that brings goosebumps.

but the show showed none of the laughing part. it showed one of the kids as a poor oppressed boy who befriended the other murderer, who protected him from bullies(kicking one of their faces in) and then revealed how he was raped by his elder brother, and mutilates an eel he caught before throwing it back into the river it came from. i mean, i thought he'd smack the eel to eat it or something.

the two boys, with their family, have been given new identities and released from their detention.

in the movie, phillip, portrayed as the instigator and basically, the more evil one, was murdered by older boys in the detention centre, and the whole scene was set up to look like a suicide.

but the movie focused on how Jack(previously known as Eric, the more innocent one) faces life, with an immense phobia of having his identity found out, as well as a lack of communication skills with the people he works with. with a guardian who is a lot more effective playing the paternal role in his life than his biological father, as well as a rather, well, large girlfriend(to be honest i was quite disappointed to see the girlfriend wasn't one of those hot hollywood mamas) and a couple of friends, he DOES eventually have his identity found out and-AHA! I WILL NOT TELL YOU THE STORYLINE! oh wait i already have. ok well i won't tell you how it ends.

the movie was basically fantastic. the guy acting as jack is really incredible, in fact the whole crew acted incredibly well. and i did leave the movie feeling arty and farty. well, arty cos i was already in artillery, and as for the latter... i'll let you know after i finish this basket of onions.(sorry jem, it's an old joke for you) and there were like, only 10 people in the cinema(from such a small number, i can easily say i was the BEST LOOKING GUY in the theatre, although this bears no significance to the movie whatsoever)

ok now it's time for the serious stuff(why so serious)

i went to the movie with an impression that i could see this as an avenue for me to exercise my new found opinion of showing grace and mercy to everyone who deserved and did not deserve it. not that i was anyone high up, mind you, but we who have normal lives, even good lives, ought to bear in mind those who do not, and can not have the mundane schedules that we take for granted and at times curse.

it was so easy to say that Jack did not deserve to be persecuted by a public who cannot let go of the past. simply because jack seemed like a decent chap. innocent, even.

and so, i'm thinking past the issue of Jack, and wondering about Phillip, had he survived.

what kind of person would he have been? and what kind of person would we become when we meet him? i could just imagine, in the movie, normal people having normal lives, suddenly becoming extremely hateful when they hear a murderer was released. without seeing, talking the murderer, who, by the way, saved a girl from a car wreck too.

how many masks do we have? and are we aware of when we change our faces? of how gradual, or how abrupt the change is?

i wonder if we Christians would be scared to forgive someone like Phillip. someone who seems like, basically, 95% evil when he was already just 5% the size of Shaq.

I wonder whether Jesus would have forgiven him, and somewhere deep inside me, i think Jesus wants to, but whether Phillip would let himself be forgiven is a different thing.

I think we're stingy with our love, maybe because we're afraid we'd lose it if we give it to the 'wrong' person, or because we'd be seen as idiots who are flamboyant and extravagant with affections.

and i know we're quite a bunch of proud buggers who think we're immensely much better than the poor fools who've made a mistake in life that happens to be specified in a penal code from a miscellaneous country. and so we set up our own unwritten and unspoken code of ethics, and whoever does not fit in is given a good hard sharp kick in the butt, and left for dead after that. You would make a wide berth around a corpse wouldn't you? i think most companies make a wider berth around ex-cons too.

and then i wonder if phillip could have changed while in detention, and came out a person very much as apparently innocent as jack.

I think one of the hardest parts about being a Christian is the way God wants us to treat others. in a way opposite from that unwritten and unspoken code of ethics. we show love to whoever. that's basically how i see it. that we don't withhold our love from anyone. but this 'anyone' just mentioned did not contain people like phillip.

well, Jesus did love Judas. He did wash Judas' feet. He loved, knowing that it would not be reciprocated did he not? us, we're already afraid if there's a mere CHANCE that the love would not have any results whatsoever. it seems like we're treating love like an investment. but what about when our love is GUARANTEED not to have any results? i wonder if we could be like Jesus, and love Judas just like that. I wonder if Jesus enjoys giving love, and not seeing its rewards.

well the movie didn't give me any answers. it left me asking the same questions, perhaps with a bit more insight and a lot less naivety, thanks to excellent acting.

these murderers are the very ones Jesus died for.

imagine that.

2008-09-26T16:16:00.001+08:00

2008-09-25T23:42:00.000+08:00

It's so strange

that in these moments, i know it's true

all love, joy, freedom and peace

they're all found in You

despite my meandering

you make my paths straight

when i look elsewhere

you still keep your eyes on me

and i realise it's all true

nothing will keep anyone from you

not rules nor laws

mistakes or flaws

any kind of distractions

or our lame attempts at perfection

not songs of love, or songs of hate

politics, politicians, and all their perfidious bait

a lack of money, a lack of time

the absence of life's reason and rhyme

any victory, any loss

any gain or any cost

show me something that will quell You

any fane or rumination

even strongest rock and softest flow'r

smallest sparrow and highest tower

could only came into being

by your call and beckoning

so keep me, keep me with You

though the grass seems greener off the beaten path

if i stray, if i fail to follow through

call me, bring me back to You

show me, tell me of Your love

keep me in awe, and very much in love

with You

It's so strange

that in these moments, i know it's true

Your love is too good, and only too true

that i'd captured in this wonderful rapture

for one day further than forever

it's so strange

that it's so natural;

how i'm made to fit the crook of your arms

how we wander to you, in cheer and doldrums

how we long for You

Oh how we long for You

Day is dimming

2008-09-22T23:19:00.003+08:00

The day is dimming and I'm yearning for You

I won't be satisfied till I see Your face

Every victory, every loss,

every ticket every cross

You can put them all in place

It seems I'm finding more of why in these moments

I feel like I'm made to sing of how good You are

The more the years swell by and pass

each seconds more than last

it's true by far

that no profound thought or clever rhyme

no soaring, grand melodic line

no theory, philosophy or sign

can explain it

can explain

Where You are, I wanna be

It's Your love that has changed me

I'd give the world and all its charms

for a moment in Your arms

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

I still remember what it felt like before You

I'm grateful everyday for how things have changed

I'll thank You everywhere i can

'cos my life only began

when I heard You call my name

now no praise of man, no great acclaim

no humble looking kind of fane

no power, wealth or worldly gain

could satisfy me,

could ever satisfy

cos where You are I wanna be

It's Your grace that has raised me

I'd give my whole life

to honour You

and whom I live

and whom I move

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

Better is one day in Your courts

better is one day in Your house

better is one day in Your courts

than anywhere else

Lead me, lead me

lead me to Yourself

lead me to Your heart

where You are I wanna be

It's Your love that has changed me

I'd give my life to honour You

and whom I live

and whom I move

better is one day with You

than a thousand elsewhere

Lead me to Yourself

Lead me to Your heart

I'll be found in You

here is peace

here is joy

here is life

here is, freedom, freedom

in You

I'm quite grateful that I forgot that i saved a draft of the very same lyrics.

quite a few times I had to pause while typing this out.

I knew i had to seize that moment while it lasted.

that moment when the lyrics took on a form bigger and deeper, a lot more animated and alive than the words on my monitor.

where the lyrics seemed to be God's way of speaking to me, despite them being a melancholic paean to Himself.

and so I grabbed it.

it felt like I was clutching at empty straws. because, to be completely dead honest, I did deliberately decide to pause halfway while typing the lyrics so I could honestly say I did so. to perhaps, appear more sentimental than I felt(I heard this song last wed and only slept after midnight).

but I dunno how, once again, this song impacted me like a sledgehammer.(i've never felt it before actually, so perhaps the closest thing it comes to is Tim's(cos he was the first) and everyone else's hands smashing my face into a birthday cake. well, you can't blame me, my birthday was quite recent so I want to bring this up although i doubt it will make any of the guilty parties feel as though they are supposed to-GUILTY!)

the best part is, I can't seem to give this song a permanent form.

it seems to have taken on a few forms and spoke different volumes of similar impact each time. (the irony is that it seems i could be describing an extremely satanic song but it's time to get back to the topic.)

I can't explain it, I can't box it up. I wish I could capture its impacting essence in my mp3 or my macbook(MACBOOK FOR THE WIN!), but i can't. I can't.

why something so beautiful has to be so fleeting, is something that at times frustrates me, but other times makes me sit back and realise the frailty and infidelity of my heart.

So i hope that, as you listen to this song, you're as impacted as I was.

that you find yourself wanting to repeat this song even before halfway through the first verse

that you realise God is in all the beautiful things, but more importantly, that all the beautiful things are in God

that you see how things could and should be between you and your Maker

that you realise once again that tears can burn, and then they leave a gelid residue

and then when you take an occasional glance at the clock, you realise it's the next day, but you decide it's worth staying up to contemplate something unknown, because you have forever and a day

and then you realize that all your contemplation brings no answer, but you've been glad to receive an apparent nothing, because you finally feel, deep within your bones, that all this while you've never been alone.

Hosea's Wife

2008-09-16T23:39:00.003+08:00

'... and he was a prophet, he was a kind of minor prophet in the bible, and he had a wife called Gomer. which is kind of a............... really.......

gross name.

and so, that's why this song isn't called Gomer, it's called Hosea's Wife'

I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me

She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech

That turned to mine and asked belligerently

“What do I live for?”

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go

From hearts to wars to literature to radio

There’s a question like a shame no one will show

“What do I live for?”

We are Hosea’s wife

We are squandering this life

Using people like ladders and words like knives

If we’ve eyes to see

If we’ve ears to hear

To find it in our hearts and mouths

The word that saves is near

Shed that shallow skin

Come and live again

There is truth in little corners of our lives

There are hints of it in songs and children’s eyes

It’s familiar, like an ancient lullaby

What do I live for?

We are Hosea’s wife

We are squandering this life

Using bodies like money and truth like lies

We are more than dust

That means something

We are more than just

Blood and emotions

Inklings and notions

Atoms on oceans

ok i just found the first part really funny and i wanted to show EVERYONE Brooke Fraser has an incredible sense of humour. so i decided to paste the song lyrics after that.

THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP

2008-09-11T23:28:00.003+08:00

Just yesterday i was walking from city hall to excelsior hotel(yes, i christen that place 'Guitarland').

and there was this woman. this large woman. with crooked teeth and an annoying way of speaking.(i bet you can't tell my inclination toward her!)

and she is Christian.

yup, she is. at least i'd think so. she loudly said words like 'HALLELUJAH'(that was much later on). but at that moment, a blind man selling tissues was saying(loudly) to her, 'no i don't want to talk about religion' and stuff like that. anyone could tell he was miffed.

and so was the lady.

at a traffic light, she prayed(loudly, with her eyes open, and in chinese) 'Lord please let it rain'

I was thinking, what for? i mean, the grass outside St Andrew's Cathedral looked pretty green. i couldn't see anyone crawling on the ground(the way they do in books and movies when they're lost in the desert and looking for water).

'please PUNISH all these people'

my eyes widened. Justin(he was with me, naturally)'s eyes widened. and no one else seemed to care.

Why are we Christians wishing judgement on non-Christians?

Why are we wishing on others the same punishment we would deserve?

Why?

What happened to grace and mercy? what happened to humility? what happened to meekness, to being sent out as lambs among wolves, to patience, kindness, forgetting wrongs, a lack of envy, and the whole load from 1 Corinthians 13?

here's one age-old question: What would Jesus have done?

would he have wished punishment on the people who rejected Him?

maybe we've forgotten, but at his last moments on the cross, in pain, at people's insults, he said 'Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing'.

imagine that.

'Father, forgive them'

'Father, punish them'

while i have not been ridiculed and rejected yet, here's what i think :

If we love the lost, we would be SAD at rejection. not bitter and angry. we would say 'Father, help them to listen', NOT 'Father, punish them.'

the new guy in my office told me, while he was going out with his friends, someone came up to him and said, 'if you do not believe in God, you're going to hell'.

well, very obviously, people do not like to find out they're going to hell. and they probably think that if they disbelieve it, it won't happen to them.

imagine saying 'I'm not gonna become a Christian because if i do, i don't need to go to hell!'

it's like they're a sucker for punishment.

but ok back to the serious stuff. it's like how children would close their eyes when they were in trouble, the logic being 'if i can't see him, he can't see me!'

pretty cute, but honestly, it's rather pitiful.

I think some of us Christians are a lot less helpful than we imagine ourselves to be.

that in trying to help some people get their one-way ticket to the pearly gates, we end up trying to give the ticket by SMACKING it on their noses and telling them to hold the ticket with said facial feature. that in trying to save, we hurt, maim, poison. in trying to show God's glory, we end up forfeiting it. albeit unwillingly. but we do.

it sucks when i feel like this. so helpless.

caught in between righteousness and grace, looking across a chasm at a blindfolded friend trying to build a bridge.

have we gone overboard? i get the feeling that if a stranger approaches you on a street, he's either a surveyor, an insurance salesman, someone trying to sell stuff for charity, or a street evangelist. and i dunno why but the last category seems to receive the most complains from my friends.

I believe we should show unconditional love.

i believe we can show unconditional love.

that we don't use love as a currency, as a reward, as bait.

but we give love, because love is not quantitative.

and we can give more and more love. because the more we give, the more we have.

Jesus could have thrown the first stone at the woman. out of everyone there, he was the only one who met the standard(although he set the standard. rather crafty way of stopping everyone to chuck granite chunks at the poor lady).

If He should have, he would have.

but he did not.

Jesus was(and since he is unchanging, IS) a radical.

so why are some of us going back to all that legalism?

'it's fair, i see' some of us may reply.

well it sounds like it's 'phar-i-see' if you say it really really fast.

it's not that we Christians disregard God's rules for living. no, we hold on to it. but we do not live by it.

2 commandments : Love God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul. and also love your neighbour as yourself

and see how it has been changed to laws, rituals, restrictions, penalties.

we are a lot less helpful than we think we are.

to non-Christians who read this: i mean no harm to you. as much as I would like you to accept my Jesus, i would also like to treat you the same way i would if you were a Christian.

2008-09-10T23:50:00.002+08:00

I'd show you all within myself

If you'd acquiesce to unconditional love

not acceptance, but love

more than acceptance, but love

but you won't; you can't

us mere humans who'd conquer the sky

if not for the fact that

we're but humans who want even the sky

i see the silver coated glass

and i watch you return the glare

if you'd become what you've metamorphed

then i'd pull the beam lodged in my eye

even blow off the sawdust and specks

if i'd see what i've become

maybe i'm wrong; i've been right all along

maybe the fault lies in your saying, your doing

i could be clean; you might have been dirty

all this while, you were more than just annoying

still i'd choose to

remain as promised: true

true to unconditioned affection

to be part of a love compelling

overbearin us, overloading us;

our pain is our joy, Your joy is my strength

I'll wear Your yoke, i'll carry Your load

I can't see what i'll carry

though You carried the world

2 beams, a promise to You

all You ask is all i have

all You want is all i can give

and it's Yours

it's all Yours

In the air

2008-09-08T00:07:00.002+08:00

Another Brooke Fraser song. this one's called mystery

i have a feeling pretty soon i'll have all the lyrics for all the Brooke Fraser songs.

I wanna get your words stuck in my head
I wanna touch your soul with mine
I want to always be, be by your lead
Always

I wanna know that you hung the stars in the sky
So on lonely nights I would know your presence
I wanna feel your love under my skin, down through my bones

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures

I wanna feel the wind and know that you're near me
And see in the seasons your mystery
I wanna feel your love flow through my veins

I want to know how this could be
Yet your love remains a mystery
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way through me

But anyway, this one isn't for fun.

Despite how sleepy i've been, despite how thick my skull has grown, no matter how callous my heart may grow to be, in spite of how impervious my soul can become,

there's something in the air. I can feel it.

(and no, it's not the haze, to all you snickering cynics out there)

this one is to my fellow future eternal neighbours.

I do believe there's going to be a buildup. maybe it's cos church camp is coming and i'm trying to hype myself up.

but i think i'd rather be disappointed by something i make up, then be cynical and be saying the famous 'i told you so' to others.

yeah i think i wouldn't mind risking a fall. i wouldn't mind risking an embarrassment.

it's rather remarkable(i use this word because i don't know if this is a good or bad thing) how cynical and disbelieving i've become, thanks to how other self professed Christians have behaved(and in the process, really making me feel ashamed and at a loss for words), the lack of 'God-talk' in my life, the draining effect of WORK. On one hand, i don't think i rattle off stuff i'm not sure about anymore. my brain seems to have better control over the wacky nerves in my mouth. and i don't think i missed the days when i was an enthusiastic, albeit ignorant and impulsive little fish. (for those of you who may want to know, the fish was a sign of Christianity in the early days. Christians who shared no common language would draw the symbol of the fish, which looks like an infinity sign with one end closed. however, aside from myself thinking it sounds cute, i dunno why i described myself as a fish) those were the Ibanez days, i'd think. yet on this side of the hill, i think my cynicism has caused me to experience lesser moments of awe. those were the moments where time would seem to sit still, and i'd let myself be taken to Calvary. those were heart wrenching moments of joy. and i do miss those spaces of time.

i do.

I wanna have the cake and eat it.

I want the innocence of the Ibanez days, and I wanna play like Satriani.

I want to be doubtful and cynical at the correct time and place, but lavish my faith, hope and love on the Way, the Truth, the Light, and all the things He stands for.

I want to sound like a child who flows over the brim with wisdom.

I want to be funny without hurting anyone

I want to be holy, and not be aloof

I want to love unconditionally, but not partake of sin

I want God's blessings on my friends, and I want His blessings on my enemies.

I want to experience the joy of giving a large wad of cash to people who need it

I want the income disparity in the world to end

I don't want any enemies.

I don't want the pain from the baptism of fire, but i want to be refined as gold.

I don't want to make screw ups, but i want to remember not to make them.

I don't want black bile. but I want to be driven heavenward

I want to want God more and more. and more and more.

then I want to love Him more and more.

this would be the perfect birthday present. ok maybe not perfect, perfect would include stuff like being taller, being able to dunk, having the same skill and MUSICALITY as Joe Satriani, having a 24 fret fender telecaster, having a wife that's 'HOTTER THAN MUTHU'S CURRY AND SPICIER THAN FATIMAH'S SPICES'(and a voice and talent like Brooke Fraser's!), having time and money to go on ALL the dive trips i want, which would somehow, with the help of worm holes and time machines, NEVER clash with sunday services.

there's still a lot more.

Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven

The Least of us

2008-09-01T18:31:00.005+08:00

31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory.32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

Matthew 25:31-46

This sucks.

I mean, it's great for the hungry, naked and imprisoned guy.

but not for me.

this means that I am supposed to meet his or her need. hmmm... now that we're talking about ME meeting the need, maybe it's not so great for that person.

so if he/she's hungry, i'll cook maggi mee for him/her(anything else will give him a stomachache, if he's lucky)

if he's naked, i'll lend him my clothes. however, because of my size, or rather the lack of it, it may inadvertently end up making him look sexually confused. an alternative lifestyle, as they like to say. but the rest of us call it GAY.

if he's in prison, i'll visit him. and tell him lame jokes and funny stories. I mean, he's a CAPTIVE audience.

but if he's a jerk, if he treats me and everyone less than what we deserve, if the sight of him makes my stomach churn, if he's balding prematurely, how do I respond? even a bottle of Yun Nam hair cream has to be tactfully given in love, lest he misunderstand my genuine concern as mockery.

there is a need in all of us. and for some of us, Jesus wants to use us to meet that need in others. sounds glamorous. but that's all the glamour we could ever get.

Lord knows I don't want to do it. I feel like Ananias going to Saul's house to heal his eyes. Or more accurately, like me wearing a giant chicken wing suit and dancing in front of a ravenous crocodile.

but i think there's more to it than meeting a need. I think this is another one of His ways of changing us. of making us pick up our cross (now it feels like a crucification!), of denying ourselves and following Him.

This is one of those things where i do it because i know i have to. if i could, i'd do it willingly and cheerfully, with a big smile on my face. but if i can't do it willingly, i'd rather do it unwillingly than not do it at all.

2008-08-30T22:14:00.002+08:00

another fantastic Brooke Fraser video! I wanna marry that girl! I'm too late though. and too short

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLVWnjVxcyY&feature=related

Never mind about Pastor Mike's Oscar, Grammy, Emmy award winning big bluff

Never mind that I can get so ashamed over how other people behave. and those people are my fellow Christians.

I'm choosing what's better.

I'm choosing what's real, what will last, what will pass through the fire, what will not be eaten by moth and mildew.

I'm choosing what's really important.

Marley and Me

2008-08-29T23:31:00.002+08:00

for those of us who haven't read this book Marley and Me by Josh Grogan, i STRONGLY RECOMMEND reading this book. and best is to read the last few chapters in private because there's a high chance you'll cry badly. yeah i have to admit i cried when i read it, and it was in front of army buddies too. fortunately it was discreetly done(i hope).

somehow this writer has a way of translating memories into words. amazing how he can go from outright-rolling-on-the-floor funny to it's-so-tense-you-can-hear-a-pin-drop seriousness.

ok i can't control it, i'm gonna spoil it. Marley died. but hey, show me an immortal dog and i'll show you a happy ending.

it just seems so tragic how all the joy that Marley brought to the author's household mutiplied their grief(and mine) with his death. like how everything seemed for nothing because Marley had to go. yeah yeah 'chao yuan, that's not the way to look at it bla bla bla' but honestly, i can't see it any other way. Marley really was too precious.

but anyway, read the book man! buy it, borrow it, but don't steal it or the owner will come after you and ground you to dust with a toothbrush and his granny's dentures.

Do you want to?

2008-08-26T00:14:00.002+08:00

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Do we want to?

just had a thought.

Do we actually want to love these people?

we're supposed to, but is it within ourselves?

Paul crucified his old man.

I think mine is still alive and kicking.

struggling to put a hold on me.

i feel sanctimonious.

because when people curse this certain fellow, i manage to keep my face calm, treat it like a laughing matter, like it's no big deal. but the truth is i don't even wanna see his face. i don't even want to hear his voice. and i know it's no justification, that not saying anything or doing anything TO him is better than what i would do. but there's a gut feeling that there's something deeper that is undistinguised and yet manifested.

So plaster saint, take off the bleached robe

sewn from rags and tattered rope.

show the face behind the mask

let it be changed to something that lasts

give it up

give it up.

turn the stonied blackened heart you don't want

to the scarlet, pulsing, God-given one

give it up

the scorching tears withheld too long

it's time to change your surname to Ong(oh SHIT THAT'S RANDOM!)

-sorry can't remain so serious for so long-

thanks a lot mike

2008-08-23T16:27:00.004+08:00

finally i'm not ripping off any song or poem or prose or whatever.

i'm just ripping off a news article.

but in short, for the information and displeasure of my fellow Christians, pastor Mike Guglielmucci of Planetshakers' cancer ordeal has been found out to be

FAKE.

fake enough to be on Australia's main newspapers.

how it was found out, i have no idea.

what really sucks is that anti-christianity, anti-religion, anti-establishment blah blah blah people, of whom some happen to be my friends(i think i love them dearly. i think) will probably either go 'AH-HAH! WHADDYA HAVE TO SAY TO THAT' or 'i told you so'*shakes head*

and there's no denying it.

so what do i have to say in response?

nothing.

we're not defeated, though we are ashamed.

honestly, it's nothing very new. the crusades massacred a bunch of people in the name of religion. that's probably only about the atrocity i know done by us Christians. there are probably a bunch more. so what can i say? worse things have happened.

myself, i've been selfish, i've been unkind, rude, proud and insensitive, and it's only just beginning. so i'm not perfect. but that's the exact reason why i need Jesus.

yesterday i was reminded that the public enemy #1 of a certain organization i am obligated to be involved heavily with is also a Christian.

now that hurts.

i admit my reasons are not good. it's because i feel ashamed of him. especially because we're all in such close proximity.

what's worse is that i'm supposed to show grace and mercy. as a friend often points out to me, 'some people just don't deserve mercy', albeit in a joking manner. but i know he did not mean the opposite.

so now it's another one of those moments where i'm wishing stuff like 'why can't things just be nice simple and happy'. honestly why can't they?

so far one of the few bad things of being cave men and women is that the cave women would probably not bother shaving their armpits. and there would be no such thing as an electric guitar(there could be drums though!).

but think about it, if we, as cave people, could be christians, would it be an easier alternative?

no bankruptcy. no complaints(not much of language either), NO SCHOOL, NO ARMY.

just lots of armpit hair and hygiene problems.

ok snap out of your dream Chao.

so what about pastor Mike?

he probably had received tons of money(dunno if he's one of those prosperity gospel types), received a lot of glamour singing with an oxygen machine(he could sing very well too!) and now he's less than dirt. despite people treating him less than human, he still is one.

so yeah, it's another one of those cases of easier said than done. we really should forgive him. but he really should return all that money too.

Someone's work again

2008-08-22T12:43:00.002+08:00

yeah yeah, I'm not very original. well i'm not gonna be original now too.

so, here's the lyrics of my most favourite song from Brooke Fraser's 2nd album Albertine.
if only she was shorter(or i was taller) and younger..... ooohh boy.

There's distance in the air
and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me,
and blow with all my might
I cannot sense You close
though I know You're always here
but the comfort of You near
is what I long for

When I can't feel You
I have learnt to reach out just the same
When I can't hear You
I know You still hear every word I pray
and I want You
more than I want to live another day
and as I wait for You
I am made more
Faithful

All the folly of the past
though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one
still try to make it right
So I whisper soft You name
let it roll around my tongue
knowing You're the only one
who knows me
You know me

When I can't feel You
I have learnt to reach out just the same
When I can't hear You
I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You
more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You
I am made more (faithful)

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

When I can't feel You
I have learnt to reach out just the same
When I can't hear You
I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You
more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You
maybe I am made more
And as I wait for You
I am made more
Faithful

For those who don't believe that great lyrics can be found in fantastic melodies, msn me!
and for those who want to confirm that great lyrics can be found in wonderful melodies, msn me!

an excerpt from Blue Like Jazz

2008-08-20T20:32:00.003+08:00

i've been reading the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and i came across something he wrote.

anyway, this is the background info/ context/ of the bunch of italics, according to him.

What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

Simply amazing.

2008-08-20T00:17:00.002+08:00

had he and she not taken that bite

from the alluring scarlet fruit despite

the one warning from the One before Time

conceivably we would never know

infinite grace, unlimited mercy

love in the hour of utmost need

scarlet was the fruit of the devil's labour

scarlet is the colour of a High Priest's payment

for that spotless robe over each of us

us who await our entry to the gates of pearl

gold paved streets but no bright shining sun

His glory darkens any star

will there be stargazing in heaven

are there shadows, anything His glory cannot reach?

will our knees be bruised, our feet tired

our throats sore from praises incessant?

or will His joy truly be our strength

our rest truly in Him?

ok, so i've succumbed.

2008-08-18T22:15:00.003+08:00

ok, so i've succumbed. i've made a blog. and i'll probably spend hours trying to make it look prettier. i've held off this urge for years but now there's no fighting it.

i get the feeling i may have exceeded the border of this post window too.

so. test shot number 1, here we go.